yeah.

Apparently monsoon season is upon us.

..and to add insult to injury, it looks as though I'll have a "d" in english diction.

That sucks.

And so does a lot of other stuff at the moment.

When you wish upon a star.... not much happens.

How is it that I have grown so afraid of all the things I used to enjoy? I never used to be so inhibited. I used to love performing and flying and being the center of attention, but now these situations stress me out! There was a time when I knew nothing of nerves, and fear was something I only experienced when mom caught me in a lie, but it seems that lately fear and nervousness have taken residence in several areas of my life... and I really don’t like it.

I don’t really consider myself a shy person, just much more reserved than I used to be. I suppose that’s somewhat normal, but even so. Who’s faullt is this? How do these sorts of changes happen, and how was I unaware of them at the time they were taking place? Are they reversible? Can the past be undone? And would I really want to go back and change things if I could? After all, I don’t think I turned out all that bad... and I think some of my fearlessness as a child was slightly due in part to immaturity. Looking back, I was lucky that I was never abducted. I’d talk to anyone, about anything.. and good luck getting rid of me! (hmm, maybe some things haven’t changed all that much..)

I don’t mind being more reserved, but I do wish that I could salvage some of my childhood fearlessness. I wish I could honestly say that I don’t care about what others think of me. I wish that I could enjoy singing the way I used to instead of being overcome with fear of failure every time I have to perform. I wish that turbulence didn’t flood my mind with visions of death and set my heart racing. .. so many things I wish... in the words of Ms. Braxton.. “I wish I didn’t wish so hard..”

It wouldn't be a Thanksgiving vist home without...

-too much food
- too much noise at grandmom’s house
-The sermonized prayer at the dinner table
-games
-The dreaded question. (and the dreaded answer)
- Thanksgiving morning preperation stress
- Football.
-being suprised by (even more) changes on the house
-The wednesday morning phone call asking me to sing on Sunday morning...
-A terrible performance at church
- Danica and Julie random movie night!
- Explaining (for the thousandth time) what I’m doing, and where I go to school
- Being teased for my “liberal” ideas
-mom feeling “ganged up” on
-listening to Josh play
-the chores list
-dinner at Gaillardia. (prime rib, shrimp, lobster, yum!)
- christmas decorating
-christmas movies
-christmas music
- everything Christmas
-Not enough sleep!!

She's Thankful for...

So it’s almost Thanksgiving. The time where we sit around stuffing ourselves in the name of “tradition” (which could be debated) and tell each other that we are thankful to be the free American capitalists that we are... ahh good times.

Well I have no qualms with turkey, but the ‘proud to be an American’ bit lost it’s luster a few years ago.. SO, in an attempt to put thankfulness back into Thanksgiving I decided to post a list of things that I am thankful for... (side note: just so you know... in an effort to save time and space, this list does not contain the basic things I am thankful for, such as food, water, good health and shelter... yes, I am very thankful for all of these things too..)

Alrighty, here goes nothing...

I’m thankful...
1. ...for my newfound Christian friends. I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding any. They have, by far, been the greatest blessings in my life this year.

2. As much as I hate myself for it, I am thankful that I am an analytical person. Sure it’s annoying, and sure, sometimes it feels like my head never gets any rest.. but I’ve grown accustomed to this terrible habit, and now I can’t really imagine things any other way.

3....that I have a brother who calls me, and isn’t afraid to “discuss” issues with me. I’m thankful that he will let me disclose all the details of my life without judging me. Yay Josh, I love you!

4. ...for my church. While there are times that I feel like the black sheep in the crowd, I am thankful that I have a church to call home here in Nashville.

5. ...that my friends trust me enough to ask me for advice, even if it is difficult at times.

6. As much as it sucks, I’m glad that God is slowly opening my eyes to what I really want out of life.

7. I’m extremely thankful for all of the opportunities I have had this semester: being an RA, heading up H&H, volunteering, visiting politicians.. I am truly blessed to be in a position to do so many different things...

8. “...that I’m incapable of doing any good on my own.” =)

9. ...that God doesn’t give me everything I ask for

10. ...that my 2 mile is faster than Cadet Clark’s. (haha, sorry, it’s a “Vision” thing)

11. ...that the only religious persecution I have to endure consists of: the preconceived ideas of others, sarcasm, the occasional eye-roll, and Lifeway.

12....that I’m not right about everything.

13. ...for my family... Even if I disagree with them a lot, I am still blessed to have them.

14. ...that I have more confidence this year, I’m a little less of an emotional pushover. YAY!

15. ...that I can run 3.5 miles! Ahhh!

16. ...that God saved me from this summer... in more ways than one..

17. ..that I’m a tad bit more patient than I was when I arrived in August, though not by much.

18. ...that my car has made it through the semester without any trouble! (amen!)

19. ...that I’m actually in a good choir now. yay.

20. ...that God has kept me open-minded to new people, places, things, and ideas.

21. ...for my cat. 15 yrs and still going strong. wow.

and finally, (though there are so many more..)

22. ... for all of my friends, all over the world (literally!). I know it sounds cheesy, but you have all added a piece of your uniqueness to my life. Thanks.

Have a great holiday! Be safe!

"...one vast substantial smile"

Today looks and feels like Dickens. Mom says that the trees are gorgeous back home. It was all she could talk about on the phone. The trees here are almost naked, but a few are holding out on us. There is a row of trees on campus that have all turned a deep red autumn shade, and it is quite beautiful if I do say so myself. There's also a tree by me that is really yellow and I get to walk under it everyday, and everyday I think, "If I could only take a picture and make it look exactly as I see it now, if I could take a picture by blinking my eyes or something..." but I know that a picture would seem anti-climatic after experiencing it for myself.. even if it is something as simple as a tree. Earlier today I saw a dark Honda Prelude drive by, and to my suprise I felt my stomach get all weird. How is it that some people move on more quickly than others? Not that I haven't moved on, because I definitely have, I just thought I had passed the point of "feeling" anything about the situation.. but now that I think about it, I suppose that's an unrealistic expectation to have.

"Why are you wearing that stupid human suit?"

I told you Sam Walton was satan. "With a lion like Wal-Mart on the loose, no store is ever safe.."

...But did I tell you that Dick Cheney is "Just like a Stepford Wife!"?
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I am so, so sad that Colin Powell is resigning! He was the best part of the Bush administration, in my opinion. And Condoleezza Rice? Don't get me started... Call me a pessimist, but the thought of the damage that this appointment will bring makes me ill!
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Sad day! The Belcourt is showing the directors cut of Donnie Darko.. but they're showing it on November 26th, when I won't be here! BUT, I won't have to miss their midnight showing of Dr. Strangelove on December 3rd!
---------------------------------------------
Saw Miss Saigon last night. So good. So sad. Poor Kim. =(
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I go home Tuesday... should be interesting.
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Well.. I've procrastinated my paper long enough... till next time..

Peace, Love, and cheese...

hmm

Pray please.

Pet Peeve #98745

Those who, either in word or in deed, subscribe to the philosophy that states that "romantic" love is a cure to loneliness.

This is not true.

I wasn't going to post about this... but it's too late now.


I'll be the first to admit that this is hard trap to avoid. After all, our culture has "Jerry-McGuired" us into believing that there are people out there who can "complete' us. But based on my experience (which, granted, is limited) "romantic" love is most definitely NOT a cure to loneliness. In fact, some of my loneliest moments were moments when I was dealing with "romantic" love.

I think that part of the problem here is our definition of "love." Sadly, the English language only has 1 word for love, whereas other languages have several. (Greek, for example, has 4) It is interesting to look at the implications this has made on our society. We throw the word “love” around as if it were any common noun or verb. We love chocolate, the color blue, the ocean, and sometimes we even love people! Because of our limited vocabulary options, we are forced to define love every time we use the term.

In my mind love is a choice. It’s a call to compassion, it’s a commitment to caring. A commitment that says, from now on, whether I “feel” like it or not, I choose to act in this persons best interest. Love is selfless, and therefore, is difficult. I think that this “version” of love is a cure to loneliness because it calls us into community and forces us into solidarity with others.

Unfortunately, we often confuse fondness and attraction with love. Granted, these are wonderful emotions, and often they are extremely powerful but they are not a “choice” as love is. You can’t control who you will or will not “like,” but you can control who you will or will not love. Attraction and fondness will not cure loneliness! They might subdue it for a while, but is only a matter of time before you’ll be faced with situations that call for commitment or conscious decisions rather than emotions.

In my opinion this is why so many marriages fail, because they are based on a love that is purely emotional: intense feelings of attraction and passion mixed in with an overall “caring” attitude. Now I’ve never been married, but I know for a fact that this kind of love has a limited shelf-life.

This should also explain why I don’t really believe in “love-at first-sight” either. (I know, I know.. what kind of a female am I?) I mean sure, I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in that initial feeling of “Oh, my goodness..” or in some cases “Please God, not now..” but LOVE at first sight? I’m not so sure... after all, if you can “fall” IN love so quickly, who’s to say that you can’t “fall” OUT of love just as fast? (again, another example of how liberally we use the word “love”)

I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way I became aware of the fact that no one will ever complete me like God does... because in Him I am complete! Does this mean that I see no point in marriage? No, it doesn’t. I believe in marriage. I’m a fan. And I think that there are people that are meant to be together. There are people who, together, can do more for “the kingdom” together than they could on their own. So yes, yay marriage! This realization simply means that I am free from putting that expectation onto a mere human (who should never have to carry that kind of burden anyway!). It also means that, as much as I hate to admit it, deep down I know that I can handle being single for the rest of my life if that’s what God has planned. Wow I really hate saying that... but it’s true, and I also know that if that’s my “destiny” then God will change the way I feel about it. (because I’m not exactly “fond” of the idea...)

Anyhow, I say all of this because over the past month I have been confronted with several situations that revolved around this twisted way of thinking, around the idea that loneliness can be destroyed with a significant other. Multiple friends have come to me describing desires for fulfillment, and each time they summed up their wish by saying “I just want someone to love me. I just want to be satisfied.”

Let me just say that it kills me to hear my friends “longing” for such things, because I know what it is that they are really looking for. How can anyone argue that fact that God has placed something in us that makes us yearn for Him? Yes, we all want the “physical” something in the “here and now”, something tangible... but at the end of the day, whether we have the tangible or not, we all long for completion, for fulfillment, and there is only one who can meet that need.

Patience: How's that for a Four-Letter Word?

I’ve thought a lot about patience these past few weeks. As many of you know, I have never considered myself to be a patient person. Some might say I’m impulsive.. I like to call it “pro-active.” So I’m not one who likes to wait around, but who is? Let’s face it, American culture has conditioned us to believe that patience means surviving the 3 minute holdup on your fries at McDonalds. No matter what “it” is, we want it now!

I constantly struggle with being patient. It’s irritating. I often find myself wondering why this particular discipline takes so long to master.. I often think, “Why is God taking so long to teach me something I am so willing to learn?” Oh the irony of patience. Like everything else, it’s a process, and when you are an impatient person, it’s not so fun.

So I was reading through parts of 2 Samuel the other day and I came across the passage in Chapter 7 where David toys with the idea of building a house for the ark of the covenant, but in the end, God says no. (because that’s Solomon’s job...) Well I got to thinking. Here’s David, wanting to do a “noble” thing, something beneficial, something “worthy” that one would think God would be pleased with.. and yet God says, “Thanks, but no. Not your responsibility. Patience, David, patience.”

Ok, so maybe he doesn’t put it in those specific terms, but essentially that’s what I see being said here. Interesting, isn’t it? Generally I tend to think of patience in selfish terms, in other words, “I want something I can’t have yet, so I have to be patient.” Or, “I want to achieve this, but it’s taking forever for me to get there, so I have to be patient.” But oddly enough, sometimes God calls us to be patient regarding things that, to us, seem God-ordained.

I just finished a book that addresses this specific issue here’s a bit of what its authors had to say:

“Often, what we want to do seems so unquestionably good- setting up a religious education program, helping with a soup kitchen, listening to people’s problems, visiting the sick, planning the liturgy, working with prisoners or mental patients- that it is hard to realize that even these things can be done with impatience and so become signs of our own needs rather than of God’s compassion... We tend to be so concerned with doing something worthwhile, bringing about changes, planning, organizing, structuring, and restructuring that we often seem to forget that it is not we who redeem, but God... Then even the Lord has become the victim of our impatience.” (for more where that came from, check out "Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life", by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeil, and Douglas Morrison)

The authors point out the fact that the words “passion” and “patience” both find their roots in the Latin word ‘pati’ which means ‘suffering.’ Thus they state that compassion could be read ‘Com-patient.’ They claim that “If we cannot be patient, we cannot be ‘com-patient.’ If we ourselves are unable to suffer, we cannot suffer with others. If we lack the strength to carry the burden of our own lives, we cannot accept the burden of our neighbors.”

Obviously I’ve had patience on the brain these past few weeks. I’ve come to learn that patience is more than passivity, and that it is hardly the state of powerlessness that our society associates it with. Patience is just as much endurance as anything else. Patience requires prayer. (perhaps this is where David went wrong; caught up in his good intentions he failed to consult with God first) Patience involves a level of suffering and above all, patience requires faith. A faith that believes that what you are waiting for, or working through will one day be complete (in one way or another).

Bottom line: Patience is complicated and as a discipline it is extremely difficult to learn, but as Christians it is essential to our "fruitfulness." (is that a word?) I might struggle with patience, but I'm letting God work on me...and for now I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this struggle...at least I know that I have something in common with David... =)

Normal is relative...

...it just doesn't happen to be a relative of mine.

Mom...
Chicago had cows, Nashville had catfish, Oklahoma has... Buffalo?
The Living Room Installation
Quoted on CNN?
The FECU Memorial Garden. Yup. She found time to design this too.

Wow. My mom is so much cooler than me.

Dad..
See, we're nothing like the family on 6 Feet Under..

Me...
My Frame..(oh wait.. mom did this too.. it's just named after me..)
But I am here! Scroll Down!

Josh...
I found a lot of weird "Josh Mercer" entries.. but none of them were the right Josh. =( I tried!

Happy Birthday to...

JULES!!

Yay. I love you and I miss you so much! Happy 21st. Congratulations, you're legal. (yeah yeah, wohoo.. we know, we know..) But seriously. Be happy!

I saw your post, and might I add:
A. You are NOT old!

B. News Flash, A LOT has changed since you were 15, and I have the pictures to prove it. We were weird. Trust me in this, you have surpassed that stage of your life.. (i'm still working on mine, but that's beside the point..) Don't believe me? remember Mrs. Thionnet? Hmm.. remember how the biggest stress in our lives was making those stupid masks, and "God so Loved the World," and Mrs. Rezek, and the Chili Supper, and not getting into Stu-Co, and should you do training or not, and how could Jordan date Megan, and yadda yadda yadda? Think of all the things we've dealt with since then, and now look at how miniscule all of those things are now in the light of the past 6 years. Plus you've learned to drive!

C. You do not have to have a plan for your life yet! I know I should take my own advice here, but enjoy the fact that you don't know where everything/anything is going! I'm slowly (ever so slowly) learning that this is a blessing in disguise that we often write off as this horrible state of imbalance. This way of thinking is dangerous! It keeps us slaving away to get to "the next step" or "the next big thing" so much so that it paralyzes us from living in the current moment. (you can feel free to make me eat all of this later because I'm sure I'll give you the opportunity)

D. I don't think anyone every really knows where their life is going. We simply try to convince ourselves and others that we do as a means of justification for the choices we make. Think about it. At the end of the day, how much control do you really have? We can stress over every detail of our lives, big or small.. but ultimately what will be, will be. Intimidating yes.. but oddly liberating at the same time.

and here's why..

E. God has a plan and a purpose for you. (and He loves you too.. which is nice.) So as hard as it is sometimes, "Be still and know that He is God.." He is God, and thankfully, we aren't. So we don't have to have it all figured out. Not at 15, 21, 41 or 91.

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands."
Ps. 138:8

Now go relax and have GREAT day!
Happy Birthday!! I will see you soon!!!!

Danica takes on "The Tennessean"

Since it probably won't make it into the paper, I thought someone should enjoy the fruits of my labor.. so here they are, for what they're worth.. my "Letter(s) to the Editor." (side note: you'll see 2 letters that are somewhat similar posted below... one is my origianl letter.. the other is the edited version that Bread For the World thought I should submit.. I'll let you figure out which is which..)
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As a twenty-year old college student, I am accustomed with the stereotype that America's younger generation is politically inactive. However, I would counter that many of us do care deeply about America's influence in the world, expecially when it comes to foreign affairs and terrorism. Terrorism exists and grows in many forms, poverty being one of them. By keeping our promises to the world and fully funding certain International Development Programs, we could not only help fight Global poverty, but help to stop terrorism before it starts.

Two new foreign assistance programs- The Millennium Challenge Account (MCA) and the Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief- promise to help alleviate suffering, keep disease at bay and to provide opportunities for hungry people in poor countries to care for their families. With hunger and poverty on the rise around the world, we need to strengthen these initiatives to move forward in the fight against poverty. Both the MCA and the AIDS initiative, as well as significant appropriations for Sudan are included in the Foreign Operations Bill that can potentially be brought to the floor during Congress' lame duck session beginning November 16th.

In the final funding decisions of this Congress, we need to urge our leaders to help reduce global hunger and disease by providing appropriate funds to both intiatives without making cuts to other crucial programs. As Tennesseans, we have been blessed with leadership such as that of Sen. Bill Frist. As a student who cares about America's political leadership, I can only hope that Senator Frist will use his voice to help fully fund these programs and to move the Foreign Operations Bill to the floor this month.

---------------


As a twenty-year old college student I have grown accustomed to dealing with the political stereotypes that America places on its younger generation, but I have yet to acclimate myself to the world's perception of America.

For example, as American's we are once again represented by an Administration that is self-proclaimed as antiterrorism. While this statement is certainly a worthy aspiration I'd like to take a moment to ponder the implications of this
dangerous generalization. If we are truly going to fight terrorism, then we must be consistent. Terrorism exists in many forms, poverty being one of them. We must keep our promises to the world by fully funding programs such as the Foreign Operations Bill which contains several key initiatives that would not only help fight poverty, but would also aid in
salvaging America's global reputation.

Two new foreign assistance programs- The Millennium Challenge Account (MCA) and the Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief- promise to help alleviate suffering, keep disease at bay and to provide opportunities for hungry people in poor countries to care for themselves and their families.

With hunger and poverty on the rise around the world, we need to strengthen these initiatives and move forward in the fight against poverty and oppressive social structures. Fortunately, as Americans we have to opportunity to make a direct contribution to this effort.

Both the MCA and the AIDS initiative, as well as significant appropriations for Sudan are included in the Foreign Operations Bill, which will brought to the floor during Congress' lame duck session beginning November 16th.

In the final funding decisions of this Congress, we need to urge our leaders to help reduce global hunger and disease by providing appropriate funds to these newly developed, bipartisan programs, (without making cuts to other development and poverty-focused assistance programs) by fully funding the Foreign Operations Bill.

As Tennesseans, we have been blessed with leadership such as that of Sen. Bill Frist, who cosponsored the addition of the Sudan Act into the Foreign Operations Bill. I can only hope that our congressmen will follow Sen. Frist's lead, by actively pursuing war on poverty as a key component in the fight against terrorism.
-------------

Wow.. it's scary how "political' I sound! In my defense I did a lot of "cutting and pasting" from Bread For the World's website... I swear I don't walk around talking like this everyday... well.. maybe some days... =)

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered...

Life is so frustrating. Seriously. I don't know what my problem is, but I am pissing myself off. It seems as though everything I need is happeneing 10 minutes too late. Not to mention that currently I am sick and tired of being Miss Give give give all of the time. I'll admit it. I'm selfish... and I hate that part of myself, but at the same time, when is it my turn? I would like to be on the receiving end of some giving here. (haha God, very funny... right after I typed that last line a friend IMed me offering to take me to Las Paletas)

Ok, ok.. so yes it's been one of those days. I'm stressed. My head is tired of trying to work its way around issues that seem to be indefinite, and my body is tired from all of the running and lack of sleep. My bank account is tired of waiting on checks and my emotions are sick of being screwed around with. My apartment has become a pit, and yet it is nothing compared to state of disaster that I feel I am in.

I feel mediocre, as though everything I do is good, but not good enough. I feel like my thoughts and ideas are mundane and that they, like my art are merely exagerated replications of another's genius. I certainly don't feel original.

I find myself asking, "What's the point?"

I know I am not alone in how I feel, so please don't read this as an attempt to fish for compliments, or what have you.. because that's not what I'm getting at. I guess what I am trying to say is that once agian, I have been forced to realize my own humanity, and it sucks.. because I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be selfish and controlling in terms of my life and where it is going. I don't want to be that person, and try as I might, at the end of the day, whether anyone notices or not... I am.

I suppose we really are helplessly flawed.

But there is hope. Despite the fact that this has been a rough day, there is a part of me that can take it with a grain of salt and interpret this mess of emotions as another simple reminder of how I need Jesus.

Nobody has it all together, thank God.

It's 1 am I must be lonely...

Or perhaps just wide-awake.

So we made it through elections and once again America proves that good or bad, life goes on.. and hopefully democracy goes with it. Life here is busy as usual and I find myself completely apathetic toward most everything at the moment, especially school. However, today I got my 2 mile down to 21:20... not light-speed of course, but fulfilling nonetheless.

The Hunger and Homelessness Conference went well. Plenty of info as always.. but Baltimore.. wow! You should have seen the leaves, unbelievable. So beautiful. I saved some.

I suppose there are several key things that I could talk about at the moment, but to be honest, my brain is tired. My head gave up on comprehension about 20 minutes ago, so I apologize for all of the rambling...

...time for bed.

Advocacy: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

This past week has been crazy! And I can only assume that the craziness will continue, but that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve found that at times craziness is beneficial, even essential, to ones sanity. However, in the midst of all the activity, I’ve had to remind myself to slow down, breathe, sleep, eat. I’ve noticed that over these past few weeks I’ve been doing plenty of thinking but I’ve had very little time for reflection; and as past experience has proved, in my life this is generally a danger sign.

So the other day I spent some time reflecting over the past few weeks: the seminars, the convo’s, the programs, the conventions, even conversations that I have had with others, or God. I thought about the direction my life is heading (or better yet, my attempt to understand where my life is going) and the types of things that I have been involved with over these last few years.

Once again I was reminded of how strange God is. I think back to three years ago and to the person I was, and when I flash back to the future it is amazing to see how far God has taken me (and I’m not talking just miles either). If I had any idea then that I would be where I am today, doing the things that I am doing now, I’m not so sure what I would have thought! Seriously, Romans 12:2 has to have been God’s secret agenda for me over these past few years. And I never saw it coming! (which is good, because if I had.. things might have turned out differently...)

Alas, I digress..

So I bet you’re wondering what this post has to do with advocacy. Well.. as I was mulling things over the other day, my usual doubts and fears regarding my current “passions” came to visit me yet again..

The biggest struggle I’ve encountered since I became involved in social justice issues has been trying to find that fine balance between coming across as “advocating” or complaining. All too often it seems as though people who advocate are simply whining, (I blame part of this on the media, who are notorious for portraying activists in this light) and I don’t want to be seen that way. This has become a focal point for me these days. I’ve started forcing myself to ask those dangerous questions such as: “Am I creating a sense of community through this?” “Are these issues promoting unity, or are they keeping us in a state of division, arguing over legalities and petty differences?” “Does this issue divide those who should be in common accord?” (yes.. I just said ‘common accord’.. stop laughing) “Am I taking a particular stance on this issue simply becuase it’s not the majority opinion?” “Am I making political decisions based on what I’ve been conditioned to believe is politically correct?”

I’ll admit it... I really don’t enjoy answering most of those, but lately I have been taking a closer look at my motives in all of this. My biggest fear is that I will get so caught up in everything that I lose sight of the “Why?”. Or worse, that I will be completely ‘sold-out’ to one particular side of an issue to the point that I won’t recognize it’s path of destruction.

In addition, while I don’t base my decisions on the opinions of others, I think it’s safe to say that I haven’t passed the point of caring how others perceive me. I’m sure that to some I come off as a ‘radical,’ as some “hippie” who is always protesting something. Now I can live with the “radical” part (since it adds humor to my life, and well.. I’m really not!).. but I don’t want people to think that I am simply on some “kick” going through some “liberal college phase” where it’s cool to disagree with social norms and conservative ideals all of the time. I want people to take me seriously.

Spiritually speaking, I’ve been praying that God’s opinion remain what matters most in my life. Afterall, at the end of the day, the most important question I can answer is: “What is at the heart of my mission?” ...and the day my answer becomes anything other than Christ, is the day that I am headed for trouble.

Anyhow.. I’m sure you’ve had enough of my stream-of-consciousness musings..

Till next time..

Side note..

In response to all of the "fan mail" I've received over certain statements from 'Politically Speaking"... This is what I was trying to say.. I know, I didn't do such a great job at it the first time around...

"Being gay, in the respect that you have same-sex attraction, may be inborn and unavoidable for many. It’s the lifestyle that’s a choice."

This article further explains how I feel about the situation.. it's really good and the author does a better job explaining herself than I do...

To read click HERE

On other matters... I've decided that I am voting on Wednesday, so be sure to send in any last minute propaganda by then.

I've got 2 great posts comming... so stay tuned!

FYI

..I have a musical form of terets. I just know it.

..Sadly, it took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to spell "terets"

..While I was attempting to find the correct spelling I ran across all sorts of things. For example: Google "psychological disorders" and look at what the first entry is. (and what a sad commentary this is on modern day advertising techniques)

...I think I have eaten my weight in chips today while I've been working the desk.

...Now that I think of it, that's really gross... but they tasted really good.

...I have a really good post commming up! Yay. That's right, even BETTER than this one! (hard to imagine, isn't it)

...Lately I've been reminded of how impatient I am.

...Congratulations Nicole! See, I told you that being my friend would pay off! I think this is engagement #9 of my friends. Yay! (and another one bites the dust.. j/k)

...Those last 2 statements were not intended to have anything to do with each other, although, now that I think of it, they could...

...and I have to get back to "work"...

And a real post is coming! I promise! A good one! (I hope)

Top 9 Posts of 10/03-10/04

So I was reading through some of my old posts, and I decided that I should honor all of my faithful followers (all 5 of you) with a list of my favorite posts from the past year. That way, when you find yourself extremely bored and in need of quality entertainment, you can come read my opinion of my life, and now you know the best posts to read! (please, no applause..) haha Alrighhty, here they are ...

1. My all-time favorite post of this past year has to be "A Dissertaion over current Fine-Dining Myths, and the rules that should as such be applied." I was really really bitter when I wrote this, so it's especially funny now! To read, click HERE and it should be the second post on the page.

2. The next 3 pose as a sort of 3-way tie.. as is everything on this site.. these are all opinionated, so.. yeah, don't say I didn't warn you... anyhow, here they are: "Religiously Speaking"...

3. ..."Culturally Speaking"...

4. ...and "Politically Speaking" (FYI: Politically Speaking is on this page, just scroll down.. it's long! There should be a link to Religiously Speaking and Culturally Speaking, over on the right under "Previous Posts")

5. Next comes "Another Year Gone' my review of year 1 at Belmont.. to view click HERE and it should be the 3rd post...

6. 4-1-04 Scroll down to the list at the bottom...

7. 2-2-04 Hahaha, glad those days are over... scroll ALL the way down.. this is a short one..

8. Stalker IM conversation It's the 3rd post.. wow.. this one is too funny. And yet, very sad... because yes, it really did happen.

9. And finally What Girls are REALLY thinking.. This is on the same page as the last entry, just scroll down further... And let me jsut say, in my defense... the guy that this post is about.. turned out to be a "stalker" and some poor other girl had to move off campus and everything! See, my gut instinct was right! Ha!

Ok.. wow. I can't belive that I find times to do these things. Seriously.. I probably have homework somewhere or something... oh well... enjoy!

Fall Break?

Current Mood: melancholy

So fall break is already coming to a close, and I find myself wondering, where did it go? Most everyone around here mangaed to find a way to get out of this place, but no, not I. I could have gone home to Asheville with April, but no, I decided to stick around here and work. Yay for work! Oh, well.. at least I'll be rich next month. Plus, it's not like I had to do much!

Despite the lonliness, the break has been nice. For the first time in a while, there really wasn't anything that I absolutely HAD to get done. With this in mind, I decided to catch up on my indie flicks. In the past 3 days I've watched "Gummo" "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" "Rules of Attraction" "Dancer in the Dark" "Blow" and "Elephant." Go me!

Even better fo you is that, since this is my site, you get the benefit of hearing my opinion on each of them!

Ok, we'll start with the "not so sure's" and then work our way up ..so...
-"Rules of Attraction" hmmm... I'm not so sure what to say here... I'm sure some of you are appaled that I watched this, some of you are appaled that i didn't love it, and some of you have probably never even heard of it.. so, with that said.. I guess I have to be honest and say that I didn't really like it so much. Granted, I had some expectations of what I thought it was going to be.. and I know that I missed some things, so I may have to watch it again becasue honestly, I don't think I totally understood what they were trying to say... All that to say, I'm not sure I would recommend it to "most" of you simply for content reasons.. for those of you who can handle it (you know who you are) go right ahead. Then call me and we'll talk...

-"Gummo"... hmm.. again...not so sure what to say about this one, except for the fact that it was bizarre. It's from Harmony Korine, creator of KIDS, which I haven't seen (and now I wonder if I want to or not..) Very cool filming techniques, but extremely disturbing material. Not "Requiem for a Dream" disturbing... just "abnormal behavior" disturbing.. very odd.. but captivating nonetheless.

-"Dancer in the Dark"... finally, a film with a blatant storyline.. wohoo. Beautiful cinematography! Wow. a tad bit on the long side, and I wasn't a huge fan of the musical numbers, but other than that it was a nice film, (and it did very well at Cannes in 2000) I had no idea tha bjork could act. Scary thought... haha.. no, really, she was good!

-"Confessions of a Dangerous Mind"... Very interesting story.. based on the autobiography of Chuck Barris. the film style didn't really "grab" me, but the story was cool...

-"elephant"... wow. beautiful. very cool. this did well at Cannes in 2003. From director Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting). High school story... content nothing to ride home about..but wow the filming. Nice.

-"Blow".. now this one suprised me.. it was not at all what I expected it to be. Great story, nice film work... you should see it.

So there ya go, hopefully I've given you some film ideas! As for the rest of my "break" I'll be going to see "Jump, Little Children" at Exit/In tonight, and then my dad comes into town tomorrow!

ohh.. did I mention that I was offered a ticket to go see Bono speak on Monday in Memphis? He's receiving a Freedom Award at the Civil Rights Museum, and since I volunteer with DATA (his organization) and I know the guy in charge of the southern region, I get a ticket if I want one! Ahhh! I really really want to go, but I don't want to go alone, and I would have to miss all my classes, plus my first HIV vaccine educational session at Vanderbilt, plus my dad's here, so I want to have time with him... Sigh... one day....

Politically speaking...

(stop groaning... you knew this was comming..)

So, the debates are finally over and elections are less than 3 weeks away. I have to admit, I am ready for this to be over! The arguing, the mudslinging, the on-campus haggling between the College Republicans and College Democrats. Seriously, I’ve had a growing headache for the past 2 months. Granted, I am extremely pleased to see so many students involved in the political process, but more often than not I’m finding that it is blind loyalty, and not research, that is leading students to decide who to vote for, and that’s just sad. If I hear the argument that “The Christians support Bush” one more time, I seriously think I will puke.

Many of you know how torn I am over this election... at times the answer seems so simple, but most of the time I find myself hating the both of them. So it comes to this... “Who is the lesser of two evils?” And I’m not sure that I have an answer to that. But in an attempt to explain myself to the masses, I offer the following thoughts...

...Yes,Kerry is prone to change his mind, and that’s dangerous, but on the other hand, Bush never changes his mind, and that’s dangerous too. Which is worse? It depends on how you look at it... as a leader, I want someone who is dependable, and yes, firm.. but I also want someone who is flexible, and willing to change direction if it is in the best interest of the people.

...I agree with Kerry in that I don’t think we can force our articles of faith on others.. I believe that to do so would go against everything the constitution says. Our country was founded on the basis of religious freedom, and it seems that we have forgotten that lately. But on the other hand... I believe that our sociology reflects our theology, and if that is the truth, then we find ourselves at a bit of a crossroads... for example, the gay marriage issue... personally, I am against it. I believe that it is wrong... but how can I legally justify denying them rights that are free to everyone else? I am all for preserving the sanctity of marriage, but I am against denying rights to a specific group of American citizens. (in my opinion, the solution to this problem is simple... come up with a new “term” for gay marriage... the equivalent of “marriage” with all of the benefits, but with a different name.. after all, at the end of the day, I have to wonder, is this just a linguistics argument?)

...Again, I agree with Kerry in that I think the role of a religious President is not to be a “Christian or Catholic President” but to be a President who happens to be Christian or Catholic. Call me crazy, but I think this relates directly to my post over the “Christian Industry” (to the right click on "Religiously Speaking..." to read more..) Yes, if our faith is “active” or “relevant” in our lives, then it should be apparent in all we do... but I get hesitant when I hear Christians label themselves, especially in politics. I mean, come on! At the end of the day, your legislation and the policies that you fund and support should give me an idea of where you stand. (but then again... with separation of church and state, and with the desire to not “legislate” our beliefs on others... sometimes the lines are blurry)

...I’ll just say it now, because I know someone will bring it up. Yes, I disagree with Kerry over his statement that homosexuality is not a choice. In other words, yes, I believe that homosexuality is a choice. I know I might be making some enemies by saying this, but honestly, you shouldn’t be surprised. I could go on here, but I think I will abstain for now...

...Monetarily speaking, I think that Bush is a little bit more realistic in how we go about funding everything. Let’s be honest, who is Kerry fooling? There is no way he can fund all of his initiatives without increasing the taxes. And he has promised not to raise taxes for those of us making less than $200,000? That’s just retarded. That’s more than half of America! Heaven help the wealthy, cause by the time they pay their taxes, they’ll be making less than the rest of us! And I’ll be honest, I don’t think it’s fair to make one tax bracket responsible for the rest of us. I don’t think there should be tax brackets at all. I think we should establish a percentage tax. Where everyone pays the same percentage to taxes, regardless of what you make.. that way, it’s based on your income, but at the end of the day you’re paying the same percentage as everyone else, even though the amount would of course be different. and no one can complain about being “overtaxed”

...As for where the money will be spent, I have to agree with Kerry. (big surprise) His initiatives are more in tune with what I would like to see happen. I think that healthcare is a basic right, and not a privilege, and that we should treat it as such. We are the only industrialized nation in the world that does not offer government-based healthcare to its citizens. Yes, I know that this would mean a tax increase, a very very big one. But if we could only rearrange the money we already have, then perhaps this could be a possibility. (After-all, we’re spending over $52 million a day on the war in Iraq.) Initiative-wise, I’m for Kerry... Money-wise I’m for Bush..

.. Wait, did I just mention Iraq? Wow, let me just tell you that I am sick of hearing that argument. Seriously, Iraq.. our nations new 4-letter word. Here’s my opinion in a nutshell.. we went into Iraq because we believed that there were WMD there. Even Kerry voted for that move. Then, low and behold, still no WMD.. turns out, we were misled. Oops. So should we not have gone at all, even though at the time we were “certain” that there was something going on? I think we did the right thing by going in.. i mean, when I was in High School and we had bomb threats, everyone had to leave. This happened about 6 times, and turns out that there never were any bombs, but you have to take those kinds of things seriously. Anyhow, I digress.. so we did the right thing by acting on the information that we had (that we assumed was true), but then we find out that we were misled.. so do we pull out? Hmm, I say no.. I say, let’s finish what we started, but let’s be quick about it. It kills me to hear all these people whining about how we weren’t supposed to go, and how we need to get out ASAP and blah blah blah. What did they expect us to do? Ignore the initial intelligence reports? And now what? They just expect us to drop everything and come home, when democracy is close to being established. We need to be thorough.. and we need to support our troops. Yeah, the whole situation is icky and contestable.. and yeah, it’s our own fault that things got so screwed up in the first place. But can we focus on some of the positive aspects that have come out of this? 1. Democracy is being established in a country that has been war-torn for decades. (the number of humanitarian benefits that have come out of this should be enough to satisfy people!) 2. Umm Sadam is out of power.. That being said, I don’t think this “mistake” turned out as bad as it could have. (side note.. yes I still consider myself a pacifist, I’d take negotiations over war anytime, any day.. but considering our options at the time... ) Bottom line, it’s stupid to argue whether we should have gone, or whether we should be there. We went. We’re there. Now let’s wrap things up, there are other things going on... believe it or not, terror does exist in many forms, and it is going on in other places... (but that’s a whole other post...)


I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s true.. indeed, ignorance is bliss. I mean, if I didn’t advocate for some specific things, then maybe I wouldn’t be entitled to care. But I do care, and that presents a problem for me. So, I know you’re all wondering... where does she stand?

First let me say that I hate answering that question because generally people have a formed opinion of you, and they expect you to vote a certain way... and I hate feeling as though I am being judged based on who I am voting for, especially in an election like this one, where I am really not a fan of either candidate...

So all that to say this: I will be honest, my gut says Bush. I don’t know what it is, but Kerry rubs me the wrong way. (yeah yeah, bush does too..but it’s different) I just see Bush as more genuine, and despite the fact that the Republican party manipulates the whole “christian right,” I do think that Bush makes his decisions based on some form of principle; whereas with Kerry I constantly feel as though I’m being “played,” Iand that he’s simply telling each group of people what they want to hear.

On another note, I have to question whether or not we are in a good place to bring in a new leader... let’s face it, we’re overextended, we’re in the middle of about 4 different campaigns (that we know of) and it would take Kerry twice as long to accomplish his goals because most of them involve moving us in a completely new direction... then there is the whole Supreme Court Justice issue.. for the first time ever, the next Supreme Court Judge that is chosen, is appointed for life... and undoubtedly the next President will have to choose at least one Supreme Court Justice before his term is up.. in essence, this means that whoever is elected next will be affecting our nations history for the next 40 years. Scary thought.

I still can’t believe that these are my choices. The thought depresses me. Everytime I think about voting for Bush, I get a little nauseated. I see a better economy for America as a whole.. but I also envision Super Wal-Marts erupting all over the place and globilization worsening. When I think of electing Kerry, I envision several great initiatives materializing, but I also forsee very small paychecks and a national debt that my great-great-grandchildren will be paying off...

Of all the people in America, this is what I have to work with? A multi-millionaire who made his dough in oil and is uncomfortably close to the powers that be at ClearChannel, and a billionaire who made his dough through marriage and appears to be making a lot of “unkeepable” promises... wow...tough choices...

(and don’t even get me started on their running-mates... geez...)

Ladies and gentlemen... choose your poison.

As time goes by...

I can hardly believe that we are at mid-semester already! Where has all the time gone? What's worse is that it is beginning to dawn on me that I only have 3 1/2 semesters of college left. Eventually I'm going to have to leave this place. Then what? I suppose that is the essential question that every college upperclassman asks themselves, but it's weird to think that I am at a point where I am allowed to ask myself that question now!

In anticipation of getting my iBook, I went browsing through some old documents that are saved on my current computer. As I was perusing (wait, does that word work there?) I ran across my Autobiography that I had written for my Psychology of Personal Development class at Point Loma my freshman year. Out of suprise I took a few moments to read over the 15 pages that contained a brief synopsis of my life up to the age of 18. Reading through it, I had to laugh a little.. I mean, looking back now, there is a lot of irony in what I had written; but at the same time I was immensly suprised at how open and honest I had been in generalizing some truths that I had discovered in myself.

To be completely honest, it was very strange to read the opinion that I had of my life at the age of 18. As I read my history it was weird to notice how several tiny events, that at the time I had considered isolated, or insignificant, have now become the focus of all that I do. To think that all this time I assumed that my current passions were "new developments" in my life. It's very interesting how well everything has wound together to take me to this place, to this point in my life, to make me who I am today. After reading it, I felt strangely happy, content, even slightly proud perhaps... and honestly, I think that's how everyone should feel after they read their life story...even if the story isn't over yet.

the ever-pressing conflict..

Things that confuse me...
1. Males (a few in particular)
2. Pop/jazz harmony
3. People who are convinced that Texas will win tomorrow
4. Dick Cheney's admission to being "unaware that within the US african-american females have the highest HIV infection rate."
5. The Cell Cycle
6. Tritone substitution
7. Why we haven't done anything about Sudan when a: there's oil involved (isn't that a motive for anything?) and b: didn't we have a president who claimed that if we are truly against terrorism, then we are against it wherever it is found, and we have a responsibility to do something about it?
8. How my cousin, who isn't even 16, can be so cynical.
9. How gas can possibly cost $1.94 a gallon.
10. Aamcomp of Oklahoma City
11. The fact that I am a music major.
12. How an SUV can be a Weapon of Mass Destruction. (and why someone would go to the trouble to say so on a bumper sticker!)
13. Why people are afraid of the number 13.
14. Why xanga won't let you post a comment unless you become a member... (even though to do so is free!)


Current Addictions...
Las Paletas... best popsicles ever
Damien Rice "O"

Post #222

Yup, that's right. This is my 222nd post. Wow. I always knew I had a lot to say. (Even though there's rarely anyone listening) Speaking of which.. where are you guys? Seriously, I think it would take most of you several months to realize that I had disappeared, or died, or what have you. I'm getting tired of being the glue that holds it all together. I quit, I resign, someone else take over.

When is it my turn?

Consistently Inconsistent...

The past few weeks have been amazing, insane, melancholy, thrilling, painful and everything else. There is so much that I would like to say, but I fear that saying anything would jinx everything, even if there isn't really anything to jinx. (if you could follow that, 10 points to you!)

Current mood: moderately content...

Current Music: Keane "Hopes and Fears"

I wrote 2 1/2 sets of lyrics this week.

Last week I tried out for our Commercial Music Showcase, and I didn't make call-backs or anything, but I felt really good about my audition, and for the first time in a long time, it was almost as though the rejection didn't phase me (in other words, very few tears were shed, and I managed to move through the 5 stages of grief briefly!)

Yes, I did watch the debate.. and I took 5 pages of notes; so never fear, you'll have my 2 cents soon enough.

I am volunteering to take the HIV vaccines at Vandy... I am nervous, but not for the reasons you would think.

I'm working at our NashvilleCARES AIDS Walk next Saturday, and word on the street is that Jars of Clay will be at the booth I'm working with. I've heard them speak a few times, so it will be cool to meet them.

Belmont Hunger & Homelessness is sponsoring 4 convocation events this month! Plus we will be serving dinner at the City Rescue Mission at the end of this month, and twice next month. Hopefully we will have students who are willing to come help. In case you were wondering, 2 of our convo's will be over the current Sudan crisis (1 is a lecture, 1 is a letter-writing campaign), Healthcare for the Homeless, and Faith & Advocacy.

Our Faith & Advocacy convo will feature a Belmont alum who now works for "Bread for the World" a non-profit, faith-based organization... the cool part is that while she is in town, she has assembled a group of people to do a lobby visit to Senator Frist's office. The majority leader! The even cooler part is that they have invited me to come! Yay! My first lobby visit, and it will be to the Majority leader! Ahh! (yeah yeah, I'm a dork, I know!)

God has been good to me, even though things have been difficult. I've been really busy, but it's been nice. It feels good to be involved and to feel needed. As hard as some things have been, they have forced me to rely on God more and more. I'm still extremely impatient, but even as I was reading through last month's "bloggings" I can tell that God has changed me.. even if it is only a little bit.

Culturally Speaking...

Just the other day, at yet another convo lecture, I caught my mind wandering off to an issue that has occupied my thoughts for some time now. I began to think about our culture and what it says about us, and in my pondering I found myself asking the foreboding question: “What does our culture say about us?”

What does our culture say about us? In a society where we pay more attention to a wardrobe malfunction than to a genocide that has killed upwards of 50,000 people; what does our culture say about us? In a world where Americans and Europeans spend $17 billion a year on pet food -- $4 billion more than the estimated annual additional total needed to provide basic health and nutrition for everyone in the world, what does our culture say about us?

Let’s face it, we are living in the days of fast food, one-stop shopping, homogenization, capitalism, globalization, instant gratification, conditioned responses, reality TV, and “infotainment”. We live in a society of people who will spend upwards of $300 on a tacky Luis Vuitton purse, but will throw a fit over minimal tax increases that would provide better education for their children. If, as a global community, we were to have a motto, it would certainly be: “What’s in it for me?”

Woody Allen believed in the power of distraction, C. S. Lewis said that we are far too easily pleased; but I think author Rebecca Pippert states it best by saying that “Our sociology reflects our theology.” Assuming this statement is true, what does our culture say about us? If the decisions we make as a culture truly reflect our value system, then I fear the message that we are portraying to others. I fear the legacy that we are leaving behind. How will we, as a generation be remembered? Which way will the pendulum swing next? Or is there even a pendulum at all? Could it be that we are merely sliding down a slow hill claiming “progress” in the name of being politically correct?

When most people think about the 60’s they think about war, pot, hippies, social reform, integration, assassinations, affirmative action..etc. Is our generation all that different? Have we really evolved , or will people simply think about our times and remember war, ecstasy, anti-war protestors, terrorism, scandals, etc?

I’ve grown used to being labeled as an idealist, a left-wing socialist who has no grasp on reality, in fact, often such remarks make me smile. (After all, I think Jesus was a liberal in his day.) Well I might be “liberal” and I am an idealist, but I haven’t completely lost touch with reality yet. Even Jesus admitted that as long as the world remained there would be suffering, and pain, and, from this one can only deduce that selfishness, and greed will always have a dominant place in society as well. However, this fact did not keep Jesus from being compassionate. Too often I hear people use the fact that suffering will always be around as an excuse to remain ignorant, or as a reason not to take action. Personally, I don’t think that Jesus believed in excuses, I know for a fact that he never used one. He simply came and said, this is how things are and this is how things will be, but this is how YOU are to be, this is the ideal…”be holy as I am holy.”

Our society is hardly “holy,” and it never will be, at least not 100%… but as Christians, we are called to holiness. We are to make a radical difference through our radical identification with the world. Some doubt the influence that we can have on a society as self-centered as ours, to these skeptics, I’d ask you to consider the gospels. Here were 12 men and leader whom many labeled as a heretic, and now more than 2000 years later, we are still studying their lives! Suppose they copped out with the excuse that the world would always be evil… where would we be today?
When we think about what our culture says about us, the conclusions that we come to are rarely pleasant. In fact, generally they are depressing, disheartening, and painful. But this should not keep us from being the example that God called us to be. Nor should it cause us to give up on the world all together. Imagine where we would be if God took that approach with us! His patience should be our example.
All of this to say that, at the end of the day, there is always hope. Just think…Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. lived in a time when the thought of an integrated society seemed impossible, even foolish. But now, not even 40 years later, thanks to the hard work of thousands and the cooperation of many, we have managed to make the impossible dream come to life. Unfortunately, all too often we sell ourselves short. Stereotyping “hope” as some childhood dream, rather than claiming it with all we have.

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
~The Shawshank Redemption…