Why can't I just be happy like everyone else?

Please tell me...

Ok so I decided that I can't exactly pity myself any longer... well, actually I can, but I really felt that not blogging was only harming myself... so there ya go. Obviously I didn't get into the Contemporary Music Center... but I did get waitlisted. I know I know, i should be thrilled consideringhtat they don't even take sophomores, but still, Rejection SUCKS! Anyhow, the good news about this is that I will have a pretty good shot at getting in for spring semester next year... but you know me, I'm not exactly the patient type, so this doesn't please me too much.
Plans for the Germany trip this summer are going nicely although I found out that they don't have Dr. Pepper so I wonder how I will ever survive. BUT..They did mention that we are planning on going to Switzerland. Rock On! This makes me happy.
Speaking of happy... I've begun to expand my schooling options... some of you knowwhat that means... as to the rest of you, I'm gonna leave you in the dark for a bit. (you knw I still love you, right?) Also, I uploaded our schools shared MP3 files and got some more music as well as 4 free CD's this weekend. Sigh... music makes me happy. well... actuallly.... most music makes me happy, and by most I mean just about anything after 1981. (as you can see, my wonderful music major continues to lose it's appeal)
Well I guess that's about it for now. Stay tuned though... pretty soon I'll be posting another one of my infamous lists... this one will be something along the lines of "the few and far between reasons why my freshman year in college was successful" or maybe more like "reasons why living in a Van down at Ocean Beach sounds far more appealing than going to class 5 days a week and paying $26,000 a year for it" Who knows. Till next time....

"When are you going to realize that 'normal' isn't neccessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage."



Scary thought for the day... Last night I did the unthinkable..... I did what any normal southern california college freshman girl would do... i actually sat down and watched ALL of "The Bachelor" shocking I know.... but it gets worse... not only did I watch ALL of "The Bachelor" ohh no... I also watched ALL of "Extreme Makeover" as well. don't say it... I know...

COMMENTS??

my whole life I have never been good enough. i've always been really close, closer than most people will ever be, but still not good enough. the sad part is that it has taken me this long to figure it out. you'd think i would've noticed before with showchoir, fiddler..., guys and dolls, music man, hello dolly, northwestern, OCU, illinois Wesleyan, achapel bands,and many others. i guess i'm a tad bit slow on the uptake. i can't even get solos in choir anymore. and this is a non auditioned choir. and i got to thinking, why does God hate me? What did I do? I mean come on, He obviously has no problem seeing me depressed and lonely and upset all the time. I really don't understand Him at all. which comes as no suprise to me really. i think i should be a phone solicitor for a living, i'm pretty dang good at that. i am so unhappy. i know that life isn't supposed to be great all the time, but come on! when is it my turn?? well i've decided that it's never going to be my turn and that i have seriously wasted the past 5 years into thinking that I would have a chance. who was i kidding? at least in high school i had a shot, i was actally talented at good old PCWest, and everyone knew that Mrs. Brown was biased... so i get rejected from all of the school's i had hoped on attending and i get sent out to good ole Nazareneville where it's just like summer camp all the time and everyone knows everyone and yet no one outside of the "bubble" has ever heard of the school. well i come and my one consolation is that i figure i'll finally have a shot at being a big fish in a small pond or something... but oh no... upon comming to college i have learned that i am not as good as i thought i was.. or as everyone used to tell me that i was. my own choir director doesn't even know my name. i've had him in class 3 days a week for 9 months now. i don't care that i am whining, i don't care that i sound childish and selfish and i don't care that i am throwing a pity party. don't tell me that's it's all going to work out, because that's just not the way life is. and you simply can't go throwing out sayings like that when you can promise me nothing. don't tell me how lucky i am and that God has a plan for all this and that it is all for the best. i'll believe it when i see it. i know that's a terrible thing to say and it shows my lack of faith and it's goonna make bad things happen and blah blah blah, but ya know... i really don't know how to handel this anymore... i'm tired.. i'm lonely, and i'm extremely unhappy. and i just don't know what to do about it.

10 business days have passed and yet I still know nothing! How is this possible? Does God think this is funny or something?? I know that I will have to know by tomorrow... I just HAVE to...ugh.
NO ONE EVER SIGNS MY GUESTBOOK! =(

Pray that I find a computer to use, And pray that the news is good.....I'll update you on Monday.... unless the news is not so good, and if that is the case well....I just dunno....

I'm sad, I'm blue and I'm feeling very lonely and insignificant. Call me. (and no, since I'm sure you're wondering, I still haven't heard.)

Ugh. I did a scholarship audition today, and it didn't go so well. I guess it didn't go terrible.... but it wasn't as good as I could have done, and it definitely wasn't as good as I wanted.... and NEEDED it to be. But then again.... is anything ever as good as I want it to be?? I think I'm finally destressing from these past 3 weeks... my CMC application being finished and turned in, my NATS competition, my spanish midterm, and these auditions... it's been a lot to deal with... and on top of all of that, I've had to go to school AND I've been sick... meanwhile my comp. research paper looms ahead. Does it ever end? I really hope that I get a scholarship. I want it so bad, but I'm so far behind everyone else. It's just depressing. I had hoped that comming to Point Loma would have made me a big fish in a small pond, so to speak. but my time here has made me anything but that. I wonder if I will ever have what it takes, or when it will ever be my turn. I had what it took at my high school, I'm not even bragging when I say that I was miles ahead of every other choir kid. But they never gave me a chance. I never got my turn to be on top, and what if high school was my only opportunity and I just missed out because the politics worked against me? I used to be somebody, but now I'm just another music student who sits in the audience listening to the same 10 people perform time after time. This is not what I had in mind.

Relief?

Ugh. I hate waiting. Seriously. I really detest it. I think that I am the most impatient person on this earth.

Agree?