I'm in a weird place... as if everything in my life is hanging in a balance that I don't really understand. Impatience doesn't even begin to describe this feeling of limbo that I'm slowly growing accustomed to. It looks as though summer plans are a go, one form left and I'm off for aid relief, then josh comes, then the rest of June, then July, the home for a week, then school starts up again for the final time.

God and I have had several good talks lately... revealing, humbling, somewhat painful even. Among other things, I've been challenged to ask myself "who is my neighbor?" For so long I thought I was good at the whole "Love thy neighbor" thing.. but when I think about it, I'm really not. Don't be fooled, tolerating people while smiling and faking interest is not loving them. And sure, it's easy to love a village of Africans that you may never meet, or a group of homeless people you see once a week, but it's loving the roommates, that annoying girl in your class who flirts with anything, that guy who is a total jerk, that person who always has to have the last word, those friends who copy everything you do, the group that consistently leaves you out, those Southern Baptists, the CCM industry etc. etc... THAT'S loving your neighbor. And I suck at it. Don't doubt me, I'm just as judgemental as the next person, and I spend a lot of time trying to fix that. I will say that God has been gracious enough to help me grow some in that area this year, but I've still got a ways to go. Especially when it comes to other christians. Wow, this is the part I really don't like. I never thought of myself as a "religious elitist" so to speak, and I probably wasn't until this year, but lately I find myself mentally critiquing the way some christians choose to do things. In some ways, this is a good thing, but in others it's just me being selfish and unwilling to admit that God ways are not my ways, that His grace covers legalists and bad musicians just as much as it covers me, and that maybe, just maybe He is capable of using tracts and legalism and crappy music to his advantage. Sheesh, a converted murderer turned out to be the early church's biggest asset, so who am I to decide what goes and what doesn't?

Speaking of selfishness... ugh, I don't know if I even want to go here.. but it's been brought to my attention that in my attempt to keep my life open and allowing God to to influence every area of my life, I've somehow managed to compartmentalize him nonetheless. How is this possible? Why do I continually end up in this place? The place where it dawns on me that my "good works" are merely things that I enjoy that require little to no sacrifice save time and sleep. Who knows, maybe that's the point.. maybe we eventually reach a place where the things we should be doing become things that we enjoy. I can't think of a scripture offhand that says service and obedience is always contemptible and laborious. ( "always" being the key word) Anyhow, I guess I'm starting to feel bad about my academic laziness and the fact that I really just don't care about school or music right now. And I'm a caring person... I care about way too much. I'm passionate about some ridiculous things, so I have a hard time facing my own apathy. But I've decided that I've been using my "extracurricular activities" as excuses for not working as hard as I should in other areas. Ahh story of my life. Somehow managing to abuse certain gifts to avoid refining others.

One day I'll learn..

Till then, I thought I'd let you all know that I found this awesome conditioner. Seriously, the Pantene Pro-V w/ Amino Proteins. Wow, pretty sure it gives you the softest hair ever. Yup.