"Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting...: fear of lonliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable... A few years previously, a similar situation would have had me sweaty with anxiety, but lonliness had of late become an emotion that I had stopped feeling so intensely. I had learned lonliness's extremes and had mapped its boundaries; lonliness was no longer something new or frightening- just another aspect of life that, once identified, seemed to disappear. But I realized a capacity for not feeling lonely carried a very real price, which was the threat of feeling nothing at all...And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something that nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened...After a while you understand the way that things can go wrong in people's lives; you learn all the patterns and temptations; you recognize the ways people use other people. The glamour of corruption disappears; the learning is no fun anymore. You don't want to waste the energy, so instead you learn tolerance, and compassion and love- and distance- and these are hard words for me to say. All of this is hard for me to say... Now- here is my secret: I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God- that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love." -Douglas Coupland
Would someone please read this book and then come hang out with me so we can talk about it?
1.25.2007
1.18.2007
Beauty, where to find it? Can't be far.
"Little girl don’t be so blue
I know what your going through
Don’t let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking...."
I know what your going through
Don’t let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking...."
1.06.2007
...and laugh they do.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
1.01.2007
12.29.2006
I heart childrens books.
Wendy - "Surely you must have felt love once for something... or someone."
Peter - "Never. Even the sound of it offends me."
Peter - "Why do you have to spoil everything? We have fun, don't we? I taught you to fly and to fight. What more could there be?"
Wendy - "There is so much more."
Peter - "What? What else is there?"
Wendy - "I don't know. I guess it becomes clearer when you grow up."
..................................................................
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "But when you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
..............................................................
"Pooh let go of the balloon and down he went.
His fall wasn't graceful at all.
As he turned over and over in the air, he thought,
'Oh, bother! This is what comes of liking honey so much.'"
...............................................................
Peter - "Never. Even the sound of it offends me."
Peter - "Why do you have to spoil everything? We have fun, don't we? I taught you to fly and to fight. What more could there be?"
Wendy - "There is so much more."
Peter - "What? What else is there?"
Wendy - "I don't know. I guess it becomes clearer when you grow up."
..................................................................
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "But when you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
..............................................................
"Pooh let go of the balloon and down he went.
His fall wasn't graceful at all.
As he turned over and over in the air, he thought,
'Oh, bother! This is what comes of liking honey so much.'"
...............................................................
12.28.2006
Lessons Learned this Holiday Season:
1. Having a budget at Christmas sucks. But I had one this year, and wouldn't you know that I stuck to it and came withing $30 of my goal. seeing as how I like to find "the perfect thing" for everyone, no matter what the cost... I can't believe that I succeeded. But succeed I did! I DID!
2. If you aren't paying attention, it is quite possible to consume and entire small summer sausage by yourself. Wow. That's really gross.
3. Not everyone gets 2-3 weeks off for Christmas. In fact, most people don't. Why Americans can't be like the Europeans and go on "holiday" for a month, I do not know. But I think we should. Leaving work and driving 10 hours in the dead of night and then heading back to work the day after Christmas ist nicht sehr gute. Oh well. That's life.
4. Careful...If by chance you find yourself driving in the dead of night, screaming/singing in your car, you should pay attention to how fast you are driving.
5. Mitsubishi's can go really fast. Especially downhill.
6. Procrastination tends to be a part of this special time of year, but that doesn't mean you should procrastinate putting gas in your car. The last place you want to find yourself is in the middle of Arkansas, in the middle of the night, 16 miles to the nearest gas station, sweating bullets and praying.
7. For many, the holidays are the most depressing time of year.
8."God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!" ok. I could write a novel on this one. Obviously I finally saw the movie, and honestly, I liked it. However, Scarlett is a bitch. (sorry.. but she is!) I still cannot get over the fact that Rhett could ever love her. Granted, they are two of a kind, but seriously, is that what it takes? Jules and I joke that witchy women are the only ones men ever seem to stay with.. but now I'm really starting to wonder. I mean, there's Rhett: rich, gorgeous,(note: I don't think he's that gorgeous... but for 1939,I suppose he was all the rage), obnoxious.. and he's head over for this woman. He stays with her through her financial distress, emotional breakdowns, and self-obsessed behavior. I supose men may stay around for the chase of things, the allure of an unattainable woman. Whatever. In real life, the man would have left the minute he heard she owed $300 in taxes on her home. And HELLO the woman is obsessed with another man THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I guess that makes her sexy. Hell if I know. The whole thing just makes me mad. Because we all know that she found a way to get him to stay. We all know it. And sure enough, she never was hungry again.
9. Going back to work after Christmas is much worse than returning to school after Christmas.
10. Harry and David pears are AMAZING! Oh my gosh. Yes.
11. Wii may as well market itself as weight-loss tool.
12. When it comes to Christmas dinner, some have ham, others have turkey, but Oklahoman's have prime rib.
13. Braving the mall/movie theatre in your hometown during your christmas vacation is an art in and of itself. The skill of spotting people you know before they spot you and then finding a place to hide is one that very few people have mastered. I myself managed 3 out of 4.. I'd say that's not too bad.
14. Sometimes a tear is needed. There may come a time when you come home at night to your empty house on your empty street and you sit down to eat a piece of meatloaf that you bought shrinkwrapped from the store down the street... you'll go in, sit down at the table, grab your phone and laptop for company, and begin to eat the most salty piece of meatloaf you have ever encountered. Then your cats will begin to bother you, begging for a bite (they are unaware of the high sodium levels, of course) and there you'll sit, and you'll have this strong unexplainable, yet overwhelming urge to cry. Don't be afraid to give in (as if you had a choice). Really, your body needs to deal with the sodium somehow.
15. Moving blows. There's something to be said about packing up your life just to go somewhere else and unpack it again until several months pass when you'll repeat the entire process over and over and over again. "...like a rolling stone." Yeah, feels really crappy Bob, thanks for asking though.
16. Lots of churches talk about "hope" at Christmas. But very few mention the reality that sometimes people do put their hope in Jesus, and they trust Him with the most precious pieces of their soul, even when it doesn't come easy.. and yet it seems He crushes them still.
17. Cell phones are annoying. I don't know how many different ring tones I put up with while shopping, (not to mention the people on their phones in the store "What? suzie wants which color? HUH? Oh, ok.. we'll go with pink... If you're sure!.. ok ok") but geez, hang up and live your life. Sheesh. I'm proud to say that I haven't had my phone a year yet, but so far my opinion of them has remained the same.
18. In general, people really seem to like broccoli casserole.
19. Furniture is overpriced.
20. Some people simply care more than others. Especially about the naming of the 7th and final Harry Potter book. Yay!
21. There are too many songs out there that pressure people about their New Years Eve plans.
22. Patty Griffin's new cd comes out on my birthday. yeah yeah, you're all wondering where the "lesson" is in this.. well, there isn't one. Just thought I'd drop a hint. So I guess the lesson is: Every statement has a meaning... and sometimes people are subliminal.
2. If you aren't paying attention, it is quite possible to consume and entire small summer sausage by yourself. Wow. That's really gross.
3. Not everyone gets 2-3 weeks off for Christmas. In fact, most people don't. Why Americans can't be like the Europeans and go on "holiday" for a month, I do not know. But I think we should. Leaving work and driving 10 hours in the dead of night and then heading back to work the day after Christmas ist nicht sehr gute. Oh well. That's life.
4. Careful...If by chance you find yourself driving in the dead of night, screaming/singing in your car, you should pay attention to how fast you are driving.
5. Mitsubishi's can go really fast. Especially downhill.
6. Procrastination tends to be a part of this special time of year, but that doesn't mean you should procrastinate putting gas in your car. The last place you want to find yourself is in the middle of Arkansas, in the middle of the night, 16 miles to the nearest gas station, sweating bullets and praying.
7. For many, the holidays are the most depressing time of year.
8."God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!" ok. I could write a novel on this one. Obviously I finally saw the movie, and honestly, I liked it. However, Scarlett is a bitch. (sorry.. but she is!) I still cannot get over the fact that Rhett could ever love her. Granted, they are two of a kind, but seriously, is that what it takes? Jules and I joke that witchy women are the only ones men ever seem to stay with.. but now I'm really starting to wonder. I mean, there's Rhett: rich, gorgeous,(note: I don't think he's that gorgeous... but for 1939,I suppose he was all the rage), obnoxious.. and he's head over for this woman. He stays with her through her financial distress, emotional breakdowns, and self-obsessed behavior. I supose men may stay around for the chase of things, the allure of an unattainable woman. Whatever. In real life, the man would have left the minute he heard she owed $300 in taxes on her home. And HELLO the woman is obsessed with another man THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I guess that makes her sexy. Hell if I know. The whole thing just makes me mad. Because we all know that she found a way to get him to stay. We all know it. And sure enough, she never was hungry again.
9. Going back to work after Christmas is much worse than returning to school after Christmas.
10. Harry and David pears are AMAZING! Oh my gosh. Yes.
11. Wii may as well market itself as weight-loss tool.
12. When it comes to Christmas dinner, some have ham, others have turkey, but Oklahoman's have prime rib.
13. Braving the mall/movie theatre in your hometown during your christmas vacation is an art in and of itself. The skill of spotting people you know before they spot you and then finding a place to hide is one that very few people have mastered. I myself managed 3 out of 4.. I'd say that's not too bad.
14. Sometimes a tear is needed. There may come a time when you come home at night to your empty house on your empty street and you sit down to eat a piece of meatloaf that you bought shrinkwrapped from the store down the street... you'll go in, sit down at the table, grab your phone and laptop for company, and begin to eat the most salty piece of meatloaf you have ever encountered. Then your cats will begin to bother you, begging for a bite (they are unaware of the high sodium levels, of course) and there you'll sit, and you'll have this strong unexplainable, yet overwhelming urge to cry. Don't be afraid to give in (as if you had a choice). Really, your body needs to deal with the sodium somehow.
15. Moving blows. There's something to be said about packing up your life just to go somewhere else and unpack it again until several months pass when you'll repeat the entire process over and over and over again. "...like a rolling stone." Yeah, feels really crappy Bob, thanks for asking though.
16. Lots of churches talk about "hope" at Christmas. But very few mention the reality that sometimes people do put their hope in Jesus, and they trust Him with the most precious pieces of their soul, even when it doesn't come easy.. and yet it seems He crushes them still.
17. Cell phones are annoying. I don't know how many different ring tones I put up with while shopping, (not to mention the people on their phones in the store "What? suzie wants which color? HUH? Oh, ok.. we'll go with pink... If you're sure!.. ok ok") but geez, hang up and live your life. Sheesh. I'm proud to say that I haven't had my phone a year yet, but so far my opinion of them has remained the same.
18. In general, people really seem to like broccoli casserole.
19. Furniture is overpriced.
20. Some people simply care more than others. Especially about the naming of the 7th and final Harry Potter book. Yay!
21. There are too many songs out there that pressure people about their New Years Eve plans.
22. Patty Griffin's new cd comes out on my birthday. yeah yeah, you're all wondering where the "lesson" is in this.. well, there isn't one. Just thought I'd drop a hint. So I guess the lesson is: Every statement has a meaning... and sometimes people are subliminal.
12.25.2006
12.16.2006
Sweet Danica,
I hope, in the midst of all your engagements, you find a little time to read His good Word, and to wait at His mercy seat. It is good for us to draw nigh to Him. It is an honour that He permits us to pray; and we shall surely find He is a God hearing prayer. Endeavour to be diligent in the means; yet watch and strive against a legal spirit, which is always aiming to represent Him as a hard master, watching as it were to take advantage of us. But it is far otherwise. His name is Love! He looks upon us with compassion; He knows our frame, and remembers that we are but dust; and when our infirmities prevail, He does not bid us despond, but reminds us that we have an Advocate with the Father, who is able to pity, to pardon, and to save to the uttermost. Think of the names and relations He bears. Does He not call Himself a Saviour, a Shepherd, a Friend, and a Husband? Has He not made known unto us His love, His blood, His righteousness, His promises, His power, and His grace, and all for our encouragement? Away, then, with all doubting, unbelieving thoughts; they will not only distress your heart, but weaken your hands. Take it for granted upon the warrant of His word, that you are His, and He is yours; that He has loved you with an everlasting love, and therefore in loving-kindness has drawn you to Himself; that He will surely accomplish that which He has begun, and that nothing which can be named or thought of shall ever be able to separate you from Him. This persuasion will give you strength for the battle; this is the shield which will quench the fiery darts of Satan; this is the helmet which the enemy cannot pierce. Whereas, if we go forth doubting and fearing, and are afraid to trust any farther than we can feel, we are weak as water, and easily overcome. Be strong, therefore, not in yourself, but in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. Pray for me, and believe me to be,
Yours,
John Newton
May 31, 1769
Yours,
John Newton
May 31, 1769
12.15.2006
And you give yourself away...
So after having a melt down in my car for 45 minutes last night and then going to work this morning and having to leave, I am now sitting at home wondering what the hell I am doing.
I do not want this life.
I do not want this story.
And there’s nothing I can do about.
I need to go away. Somewhere far, far away and never come back.
I'm not sure I want exile, but maybe exile is what I need.
Basically I’ve been planning my, “daring daylight escape” if you will.
What’s a girl to do? It’s crazy to go on living life wishing semi’s would tip over on you on your drive home... so the answer is simple: go where the semi’s are few. I’m not sure where that is yet. But I have a few ideas.
As it is, Christmas is almost here. I’m so behind. I’m just not in the mood. All that shopping, and buying and selling, and sales pitching, and sad music, and cold weather, and advertisements everywhere. Can’t I just sleep through it? Go to sleep tonight and wake up later? Or never. Whatever. I like sleep.
Anyways Christmas means that New Years is coming, and New Years means “future.”
Following that logic, I was thinking about Christmas, then New Years, then “the future” and that’s how I got to planning my “daring daylight escape.”
****note: i don’t know why I put in the paragraph about Christmas... I know it doesn’t fit. It simply came out and appeared on the screen, so I decided to leave it to see if I could come up with an appropriate segue for it... I think I did pretty good.
Anyways...I was thinking about the upcoming year and how at this point it’s looking like nothing more than 12 decembers in a row with a mere weather change from month to month and less decorations and depressing music. Different, but not better, right? Sadly, I’m running out of patience with ”different.”
I did not plan for this. Like an idiot I did not shelter any hidden corners of myself to pull out in case my life turned out this way, and I am paying for that in so many ways now. I’ve lived long enough to know that change is the only thing a person can count on. I don’t know what I was thinking.
You’d think I would simply figure it out. It’s amazing, really, how against all odds and common sense I can continue to leave myself open for this. I’m desperately trying to change my ways. It’s making me into someone I don’t want to be, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t keep hurting like this anymore. I can’t...and I know it sounds melodramatic, and I hope to God that in a few months I will look back and think that it is.. but it’s just where I am right now.
They say that “when the soul wants, the soul waits.” But what if your soul wants nothing? Or if it's just flat out confused and demented? I’m not missing pieces. I don’t feel like I’m awaiting some huge life lesson or personal enlightenment. I’m not “searching” for anything.
I just want to get beyond this.. this.. whatever this place is. And I don’t know what the “beyond” looks like. What it is, what it means, what it will be, when the hell it’s coming, etc. I just don’t know.
Supposedly a lady “always knows when to leave.” Ya know, the whole “you must always know how long to stay, and when to go.” Well I’ve never been much of a “lady,” but each day it’s becoming more and more apparent that I have worn out my welcome just about everywhere. And that’s not to say that I’m being ignored or mistreated or something, because I’m not. (It’s not you, It’s me. You’re awesome. etc etc... cliches 1, 2 and 3)...It’s just that I don’t work anymore. I don’t fit. I don’t belong. And it’s my fault. Maybe I am awaiting personal enlightenment in some ways. I do have a lot to learn. As long as I’m the girl who protects everyone’s heart except her own, then I will continue to find myself in this predicament over, and over, and over again. And I can only start over so many times.
But I’ll get it right this time. I’ll go to work, pay my bills, attend the parties, smile for the pictures and so-on and so-forth... but a day is coming when I will simply walk away and be the one to leave everyone else behind for once.
It’s time to grow up.
I have to get it right. I have to.
My heart and head can’t stay stupid forever.
Crazy how a reason not to do something can quickly turn into just as good a reason to do it.
I don’t claim to have it all figured out... quite the opposite actually. All I know is that I can’t keep doing this. I don’t know why I’ve received the life of a walking corpse, but something has got to give. Cigarettes and too much sleep can only divert a person for so long. I keep trying. So hard. But I just can’t anymore. I guess I’m just way too emotional, and I hate that about myself. I hate that I just can’t ignore situations into oblivion or something. What’s that awful band that growls that song about how their weakness is that they care too much? Bad execution, but good point. Hate to say that I know the feeling.
It kills me because now I am basically screwing myself since I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. Nothing is happening, it’s just self perpetuating and I feel like I am the only one who can step in and stop it, and I keep trying but it keeps going and I keep getting hit: I sleep all the time, but I’m tired. I’m with people most of the time, but I’m lonely. It doesn’t make sense. And no “good thing” or “good person” or “good anything” is going to want to come anywhere near me because I’m having extreme difficulty believing in “good” anythings. I’m struggling. It has to get better. Not just different. Better. Now.
I don’t even know why I waste my time posting anymore. I’m not looking for replies or advice from anyone; and I’m sure as hell not out for anyones sympathy. By now I’ve had enough sympathy for a lifetime, thanks. I guess, if anything, this can serve as proof that I am not as “strong” and “fine” and “together” and “Great” as everyone thinks I am.
Maybe it’s just that 5 years worth of posting have made it a habit now, or maybe it’s just nice to know that this way I can say it all without having to physically say anything, or that maybe some stranger will stroll by and relate to something I’ve said and they can leave feeling a little less lonely, or perhaps it’s just because I have nothing better to do.. except sleep. Sleep is always good.
It’s waking up that’s rough.
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy.
You keep trying to be.
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."
I do not want this life.
I do not want this story.
And there’s nothing I can do about.
I need to go away. Somewhere far, far away and never come back.
I'm not sure I want exile, but maybe exile is what I need.
Basically I’ve been planning my, “daring daylight escape” if you will.
What’s a girl to do? It’s crazy to go on living life wishing semi’s would tip over on you on your drive home... so the answer is simple: go where the semi’s are few. I’m not sure where that is yet. But I have a few ideas.
As it is, Christmas is almost here. I’m so behind. I’m just not in the mood. All that shopping, and buying and selling, and sales pitching, and sad music, and cold weather, and advertisements everywhere. Can’t I just sleep through it? Go to sleep tonight and wake up later? Or never. Whatever. I like sleep.
Anyways Christmas means that New Years is coming, and New Years means “future.”
Following that logic, I was thinking about Christmas, then New Years, then “the future” and that’s how I got to planning my “daring daylight escape.”
****note: i don’t know why I put in the paragraph about Christmas... I know it doesn’t fit. It simply came out and appeared on the screen, so I decided to leave it to see if I could come up with an appropriate segue for it... I think I did pretty good.
Anyways...I was thinking about the upcoming year and how at this point it’s looking like nothing more than 12 decembers in a row with a mere weather change from month to month and less decorations and depressing music. Different, but not better, right? Sadly, I’m running out of patience with ”different.”
I did not plan for this. Like an idiot I did not shelter any hidden corners of myself to pull out in case my life turned out this way, and I am paying for that in so many ways now. I’ve lived long enough to know that change is the only thing a person can count on. I don’t know what I was thinking.
You’d think I would simply figure it out. It’s amazing, really, how against all odds and common sense I can continue to leave myself open for this. I’m desperately trying to change my ways. It’s making me into someone I don’t want to be, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t keep hurting like this anymore. I can’t...and I know it sounds melodramatic, and I hope to God that in a few months I will look back and think that it is.. but it’s just where I am right now.
They say that “when the soul wants, the soul waits.” But what if your soul wants nothing? Or if it's just flat out confused and demented? I’m not missing pieces. I don’t feel like I’m awaiting some huge life lesson or personal enlightenment. I’m not “searching” for anything.
I just want to get beyond this.. this.. whatever this place is. And I don’t know what the “beyond” looks like. What it is, what it means, what it will be, when the hell it’s coming, etc. I just don’t know.
Supposedly a lady “always knows when to leave.” Ya know, the whole “you must always know how long to stay, and when to go.” Well I’ve never been much of a “lady,” but each day it’s becoming more and more apparent that I have worn out my welcome just about everywhere. And that’s not to say that I’m being ignored or mistreated or something, because I’m not. (It’s not you, It’s me. You’re awesome. etc etc... cliches 1, 2 and 3)...It’s just that I don’t work anymore. I don’t fit. I don’t belong. And it’s my fault. Maybe I am awaiting personal enlightenment in some ways. I do have a lot to learn. As long as I’m the girl who protects everyone’s heart except her own, then I will continue to find myself in this predicament over, and over, and over again. And I can only start over so many times.
But I’ll get it right this time. I’ll go to work, pay my bills, attend the parties, smile for the pictures and so-on and so-forth... but a day is coming when I will simply walk away and be the one to leave everyone else behind for once.
It’s time to grow up.
I have to get it right. I have to.
My heart and head can’t stay stupid forever.
Crazy how a reason not to do something can quickly turn into just as good a reason to do it.
I don’t claim to have it all figured out... quite the opposite actually. All I know is that I can’t keep doing this. I don’t know why I’ve received the life of a walking corpse, but something has got to give. Cigarettes and too much sleep can only divert a person for so long. I keep trying. So hard. But I just can’t anymore. I guess I’m just way too emotional, and I hate that about myself. I hate that I just can’t ignore situations into oblivion or something. What’s that awful band that growls that song about how their weakness is that they care too much? Bad execution, but good point. Hate to say that I know the feeling.
It kills me because now I am basically screwing myself since I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. Nothing is happening, it’s just self perpetuating and I feel like I am the only one who can step in and stop it, and I keep trying but it keeps going and I keep getting hit: I sleep all the time, but I’m tired. I’m with people most of the time, but I’m lonely. It doesn’t make sense. And no “good thing” or “good person” or “good anything” is going to want to come anywhere near me because I’m having extreme difficulty believing in “good” anythings. I’m struggling. It has to get better. Not just different. Better. Now.
I don’t even know why I waste my time posting anymore. I’m not looking for replies or advice from anyone; and I’m sure as hell not out for anyones sympathy. By now I’ve had enough sympathy for a lifetime, thanks. I guess, if anything, this can serve as proof that I am not as “strong” and “fine” and “together” and “Great” as everyone thinks I am.
Maybe it’s just that 5 years worth of posting have made it a habit now, or maybe it’s just nice to know that this way I can say it all without having to physically say anything, or that maybe some stranger will stroll by and relate to something I’ve said and they can leave feeling a little less lonely, or perhaps it’s just because I have nothing better to do.. except sleep. Sleep is always good.
It’s waking up that’s rough.
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy.
You keep trying to be.
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."
12.13.2006
Life after college. (part duece)
In keeping with the last post I thought I would give you an exclusive glimpse into an evening in the life of a recently employed college grad.
Without further ado....my evening:
Today I left work around 4:45ish. It would have been sooner but as I was attempting to make my break through the store I was cornered, about 5 feet from the exit, by several old ladies who wanted to know the price on about 60 different items (memo to world: Danica does not work in the store. She does not price or sell anything. Her office is at the back, which means she must pass through the store in order to reach her car and go home. I'm sure she is glad that senior citizens are getting 1/2 off today, but really, let the child go home!)
After braving the Nashville "traffic" I arrived home where I said hello to the cats and helped my roommate select his wardrobe for the evening. Before I knew it, I had the house to myself. It was a bit loneseome so I wandered around a bit and did mature, responsible things like avoid all of my dishes in the sink, ignore the laundry on my floor, and neglect all of the packing I need to do.
Around 8:30 i decided I should eat dinner so I sat on my porch and had a clove and some cookies. (so attractive, I know)
Once I was cold I went back inside and decided to take a bath, so I proceeded to soak, shave and eat popcorn for about an hour till I was nice and warm. During that time I started thinking about specific things that I have learned about myself recently. For example:
-I am an organized person. I like things ordered and filed and in their proper places..etc.. HOWEVER.. at the same time, I'm kinda a slob about some stuff. Like dishes. I really don't like doing dishes. (actually i don't mind once I start.. it's the starting that gets me).. And laundry. I will do laundry.. but I hate folding it. it generally gets washed and then sits in a basket on my floor until all of it is dirty again. (there's that attractiveness again)
-I am a nerd. I've always known this, but once I started this job it became even more clear. I'll admit, I always secretly loved the assignment in RA training where we were given a list of like 25 things we had to do and the time frames in which to do them and we had to come up with the best order of operations.. I am a pro at this. No lie. I do it at work all the time. I'll make a list of gaols for the week, and generally I can get half to 3/4ths of it done in a day. This could be due to the fact that there is something in me that goes crazy if I'm not doing at least 3 things at once. Who knows.
-I don't like cigarettes... but I have a weakness for cloves, and while I don't consider myself a "smoker" I have noticed that they calm me down.
-I don't like beer. I really don't understand how anyone does.
-I like to cook but I don't like cooking for just me and I would probably enjoy cooking even more if I didn't have to clean the dishes afterwards.Yeah I already mentioned the dishes thing.
-I believe I am incapable of going more than one day without hitting the snooze button. I even purposely set my alarm so that I have time to hit it. That doesn't make sense. Why don't I just set the alarm for as late as I want to sleep and then force myself to get up? I've tried that, and I still hit snooze. I'm a freak.
-For those of you who were unaware: hair not on the head (and celery), is disgusting. I am not a fan. Hair belongs on the head or in the trash. Celery belongs no where. End of story.
-I rarely ever feel like playing board games, but I almost always enjoy them once I start playing. Again, it's one of those, "once-I-start-it's-all-good" things. Maybe I'm just not good at starting things.
-Shopping and decorating make me frustrated. I like to do both but only in small amounts. I think it's the options. There are too many options, and I can go in and think I know what I want and then be dettered because I see 20 other things that seem just as nice and then I am all flustered and I don't know what to do and I get scared that I'll pick something that I won't like later and before I know it I regret even coming to the store.
Woah woah woah.. wait... wasn't this post about my evening? I think so.
Let's continue....
After the tub I "played" guitar for a bit and then I wound up here, in bed with VS sweat pants and a men's dress shirt on sitting in front of the computer typing. (again with the attractiveness... heck yes.)
Yay for post-college life.
It may sound boring, but this is the first night this week that I haven't had some sort of party going on, so it was kinda nice to have nothing to do.
AND (i'm about to let you in on a huge bonus here) I'm enjoying one of my new favorite things:
Coffee Mate makes this new creamer called "coconut creme" and it is to DIE for. Especially in sugar free hot chocolate (which is how I am enjoying it now.)
Mmmm yum.
Pictures to say "good-night" with:
Without further ado....my evening:
Today I left work around 4:45ish. It would have been sooner but as I was attempting to make my break through the store I was cornered, about 5 feet from the exit, by several old ladies who wanted to know the price on about 60 different items (memo to world: Danica does not work in the store. She does not price or sell anything. Her office is at the back, which means she must pass through the store in order to reach her car and go home. I'm sure she is glad that senior citizens are getting 1/2 off today, but really, let the child go home!)
After braving the Nashville "traffic" I arrived home where I said hello to the cats and helped my roommate select his wardrobe for the evening. Before I knew it, I had the house to myself. It was a bit loneseome so I wandered around a bit and did mature, responsible things like avoid all of my dishes in the sink, ignore the laundry on my floor, and neglect all of the packing I need to do.
Around 8:30 i decided I should eat dinner so I sat on my porch and had a clove and some cookies. (so attractive, I know)
Once I was cold I went back inside and decided to take a bath, so I proceeded to soak, shave and eat popcorn for about an hour till I was nice and warm. During that time I started thinking about specific things that I have learned about myself recently. For example:
-I am an organized person. I like things ordered and filed and in their proper places..etc.. HOWEVER.. at the same time, I'm kinda a slob about some stuff. Like dishes. I really don't like doing dishes. (actually i don't mind once I start.. it's the starting that gets me).. And laundry. I will do laundry.. but I hate folding it. it generally gets washed and then sits in a basket on my floor until all of it is dirty again. (there's that attractiveness again)
-I am a nerd. I've always known this, but once I started this job it became even more clear. I'll admit, I always secretly loved the assignment in RA training where we were given a list of like 25 things we had to do and the time frames in which to do them and we had to come up with the best order of operations.. I am a pro at this. No lie. I do it at work all the time. I'll make a list of gaols for the week, and generally I can get half to 3/4ths of it done in a day. This could be due to the fact that there is something in me that goes crazy if I'm not doing at least 3 things at once. Who knows.
-I don't like cigarettes... but I have a weakness for cloves, and while I don't consider myself a "smoker" I have noticed that they calm me down.
-I don't like beer. I really don't understand how anyone does.
-I like to cook but I don't like cooking for just me and I would probably enjoy cooking even more if I didn't have to clean the dishes afterwards.Yeah I already mentioned the dishes thing.
-I believe I am incapable of going more than one day without hitting the snooze button. I even purposely set my alarm so that I have time to hit it. That doesn't make sense. Why don't I just set the alarm for as late as I want to sleep and then force myself to get up? I've tried that, and I still hit snooze. I'm a freak.
-For those of you who were unaware: hair not on the head (and celery), is disgusting. I am not a fan. Hair belongs on the head or in the trash. Celery belongs no where. End of story.
-I rarely ever feel like playing board games, but I almost always enjoy them once I start playing. Again, it's one of those, "once-I-start-it's-all-good" things. Maybe I'm just not good at starting things.
-Shopping and decorating make me frustrated. I like to do both but only in small amounts. I think it's the options. There are too many options, and I can go in and think I know what I want and then be dettered because I see 20 other things that seem just as nice and then I am all flustered and I don't know what to do and I get scared that I'll pick something that I won't like later and before I know it I regret even coming to the store.
Woah woah woah.. wait... wasn't this post about my evening? I think so.
Let's continue....
After the tub I "played" guitar for a bit and then I wound up here, in bed with VS sweat pants and a men's dress shirt on sitting in front of the computer typing. (again with the attractiveness... heck yes.)
Yay for post-college life.
It may sound boring, but this is the first night this week that I haven't had some sort of party going on, so it was kinda nice to have nothing to do.
AND (i'm about to let you in on a huge bonus here) I'm enjoying one of my new favorite things:
Coffee Mate makes this new creamer called "coconut creme" and it is to DIE for. Especially in sugar free hot chocolate (which is how I am enjoying it now.)
Mmmm yum.
Pictures to say "good-night" with:
Life after college.
So I've been out of college for 6 months now and I figure that entitles me to a party and some opinions about college and post-college life.
Opinion #1: College is way more fun than real life... but it's not real life. Almost, but not quite. Live the dream, stay in school forever!
Opinion #2: As I predicted at the beginning of my junior year, grades really don't mean a whole lot unless you are continuing on to grad school, and 9 times out of 10 it's the degree that counts, not the major.
Opinion #3: It's a lot easier to skip class than it is to skip work. Take advantage of it while you can! *Side note: the irony is, that depending on where you work it could cost less to miss a day of work than it does to skip a class a Belmont.... hmm interesting.
Opinion #4: Personally, I like the randomness of college vs. the structure of the 8:00-4:30.. but at the same time, it is kinda nice to survive off of 1 job and not 2-3 part-time jobs plus class.
Opinion #5: Sometimes you take a job to pay the bills. Sometimes that job has nothing to do with your major (see opinion #2), but often that job is the reason you can afford to pursue and have time for your hobbies/former major.
Opinion #6: Searching for post-college jobs totally and utterly blows. It's probably one of the most stressful things ever, right next to planning a wedding. God help you if both happen at once. (=)humor humor) But seriously...if you have any financial commitments at all... just be ready... out in post-college world nothing is certain. Nothing is safe and no one is garaunteed anything. Can't wait to graduate now, can you?
Opinion #7: Don't be surprised when some of the better paying jobs don't require a degree at all. They are out there. They are growing in number, and they really don't care that you went to school. Sorry.
Opinion #8: One of the perks of post college life is that if you go the "day job" route, you never have to miss a party unless you want to. because hey, you are done with work at 4:30.. that's it, no more till 8am. yay. However, the downside to this is that sometimes you get off work and the last thing you want to do is party... it's a risk you take I guess.
Opinion #9: Surprisingly (and I can't believe that i am saying this) going to work at 8am is nowhere near as hard as going to class at 8am was. I couldn't do that to save my life, and now I do it everyday. Weird! (ok, so maybe I am late to work everyday.. but not by that much!)
Opinion #10: When you start your first job right out of college, some coworkers might tease you by saying things like "you're so college." They might call you "baby" or "calendar girl"...Don' take offense when this happens.. just smile and make a vague reference to your parents or to the year of your birth.. ex: "That's a nice shirt you have on, my dad has one just like it."
Opinion #11: Insurance companies are the equivalent of yous universities financial aid office. They don't do much besides make things more complicated.
Opinion #12: Applying for housing outside of college is a delicate process. Be prepared to feel like a child when the credit check company calls.
I'm sure I've got more in me somewhere... I'll get around to it eventually. But that should be enough to chew on for now!
So... when's my party?
Opinion #1: College is way more fun than real life... but it's not real life. Almost, but not quite. Live the dream, stay in school forever!
Opinion #2: As I predicted at the beginning of my junior year, grades really don't mean a whole lot unless you are continuing on to grad school, and 9 times out of 10 it's the degree that counts, not the major.
Opinion #3: It's a lot easier to skip class than it is to skip work. Take advantage of it while you can! *Side note: the irony is, that depending on where you work it could cost less to miss a day of work than it does to skip a class a Belmont.... hmm interesting.
Opinion #4: Personally, I like the randomness of college vs. the structure of the 8:00-4:30.. but at the same time, it is kinda nice to survive off of 1 job and not 2-3 part-time jobs plus class.
Opinion #5: Sometimes you take a job to pay the bills. Sometimes that job has nothing to do with your major (see opinion #2), but often that job is the reason you can afford to pursue and have time for your hobbies/former major.
Opinion #6: Searching for post-college jobs totally and utterly blows. It's probably one of the most stressful things ever, right next to planning a wedding. God help you if both happen at once. (=)humor humor) But seriously...if you have any financial commitments at all... just be ready... out in post-college world nothing is certain. Nothing is safe and no one is garaunteed anything. Can't wait to graduate now, can you?
Opinion #7: Don't be surprised when some of the better paying jobs don't require a degree at all. They are out there. They are growing in number, and they really don't care that you went to school. Sorry.
Opinion #8: One of the perks of post college life is that if you go the "day job" route, you never have to miss a party unless you want to. because hey, you are done with work at 4:30.. that's it, no more till 8am. yay. However, the downside to this is that sometimes you get off work and the last thing you want to do is party... it's a risk you take I guess.
Opinion #9: Surprisingly (and I can't believe that i am saying this) going to work at 8am is nowhere near as hard as going to class at 8am was. I couldn't do that to save my life, and now I do it everyday. Weird! (ok, so maybe I am late to work everyday.. but not by that much!)
Opinion #10: When you start your first job right out of college, some coworkers might tease you by saying things like "you're so college." They might call you "baby" or "calendar girl"...Don' take offense when this happens.. just smile and make a vague reference to your parents or to the year of your birth.. ex: "That's a nice shirt you have on, my dad has one just like it."
Opinion #11: Insurance companies are the equivalent of yous universities financial aid office. They don't do much besides make things more complicated.
Opinion #12: Applying for housing outside of college is a delicate process. Be prepared to feel like a child when the credit check company calls.
I'm sure I've got more in me somewhere... I'll get around to it eventually. But that should be enough to chew on for now!
So... when's my party?
12.11.2006
12.08.2006
12.06.2006
A Christmas List:
(hey, everyone else did it!)
11 Gifts to make Danica smile this Christmas:
1. A home with a low rent payment that's not BFE.
2. New brake pads and rotors for Senorita Diabla.
3. Visors for Senorita Diabla.
4. A "We All Have AIDS" shirt (size small) CLICK HERE TO ORDER
5. IKEA gift cards. mm yummy.
6. Jeans that fit.
7. The dark brown moccasins from Target.
8. A years supply of cat food, kitty litter, laundry detergent, and gas for my car. =)
9. Fight Club. End Scene. Sallie Mae. You figure it out.
10. 12 pack of Diet Dr. Pepper.
11. Hope in the Dark or the newest POSTSECRET book. (or both =) )
11 Gifts to make Danica smile this Christmas:
1. A home with a low rent payment that's not BFE.
2. New brake pads and rotors for Senorita Diabla.
3. Visors for Senorita Diabla.
4. A "We All Have AIDS" shirt (size small) CLICK HERE TO ORDER
5. IKEA gift cards. mm yummy.
6. Jeans that fit.
7. The dark brown moccasins from Target.
8. A years supply of cat food, kitty litter, laundry detergent, and gas for my car. =)
9. Fight Club. End Scene. Sallie Mae. You figure it out.
10. 12 pack of Diet Dr. Pepper.
11. Hope in the Dark or the newest POSTSECRET book. (or both =) )
12.04.2006
A Day in the Life...
So my morning started out with too much coffee and a cold drive to work which led me to see the most awesome bumper sticker EVER:
"Russell terriers -- they're football-shaped for a reason."
Ahh smiles.
Work was steady through the morning, but the afternoon found me sitting listening to a sales pitch from a radio station account exectuive.
That's right. There I was listening to this poor girl trying to convince me of the joys of radio advertising. Haha. Ahh the irony that she probably had no idea that I've had to create a radio promotion campaign. The whole time I was sitting there thinking "Wow. I'm glad I don't have this girls job." Her whole income depends on how many people she can convince to buy advertising. She did a great job. But I'm so accustomed to being the one trying to get sell stuff that it was bizarre to be the person being plugged to.
So after she left, while I was reveling in my position of "status," a man came in and started asking me questions. Next thing I know he's commenting on my shoes telling me his girlfriend has red ones "just like them!" THEN he starts asking me to hold me hand out and stretch my fingers out as far as I can, and THEN he asks if I can do that with my toes, and would I take off my shoes and socks so he can see?
Seriously. I could not make this stuff up.
He started getting out his phone wanting to take pictures.
No joke.
ya'll...it was so strange.
I felt oddly uncomfortable.. and the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte goes in to try on shoes and meets the salesperson with the foot fetish...
oh man.
I don't know how these people find me.
"Russell terriers -- they're football-shaped for a reason."
Ahh smiles.
Work was steady through the morning, but the afternoon found me sitting listening to a sales pitch from a radio station account exectuive.
That's right. There I was listening to this poor girl trying to convince me of the joys of radio advertising. Haha. Ahh the irony that she probably had no idea that I've had to create a radio promotion campaign. The whole time I was sitting there thinking "Wow. I'm glad I don't have this girls job." Her whole income depends on how many people she can convince to buy advertising. She did a great job. But I'm so accustomed to being the one trying to get sell stuff that it was bizarre to be the person being plugged to.
So after she left, while I was reveling in my position of "status," a man came in and started asking me questions. Next thing I know he's commenting on my shoes telling me his girlfriend has red ones "just like them!" THEN he starts asking me to hold me hand out and stretch my fingers out as far as I can, and THEN he asks if I can do that with my toes, and would I take off my shoes and socks so he can see?
Seriously. I could not make this stuff up.
He started getting out his phone wanting to take pictures.
No joke.
ya'll...it was so strange.
I felt oddly uncomfortable.. and the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte goes in to try on shoes and meets the salesperson with the foot fetish...
oh man.
I don't know how these people find me.
12.03.2006
Danica,
...I pray that you may be enabled more and more to honour the Lord by believing His promise: for He is not like a man that should fail or change, or be prevented by anything unforeseen from doing what He has said. And yet we find it easier to trust to worms than to the God of truth. Is it not so with you? And I can assure you it is often so with me. But here is the mercy, that His ways are above ours, as the heavens are higher than the earth. Though we are foolish and unbelieving, He remains faithful; He will not deny Himself. I recommend to you especially that promise of God, which is so comprehensive that it takes in all our concernments, I mean, that all things shall work together for good. How hard is it to believe, that not only those things which are grievous to the flesh, but even those things which draw forth our corruptions, and discover to us what is in our hearts, and fill us with guilt and shame, should in the issue work for our good! Yet the Lord has said it. All your pains and trials, all that befalls you in your own person, or that affects you upon the account of others, shall in the end prove to your advantage. And your peace does not depend upon any change of circumstance which may appear desirable, but in having your will bowed to the Lord's will, and made willing to submit all to His disposal and management. Pray for this, and wait patiently for Him, and He will do it. Be not surprised to find yourself poor, helpless, and vile; all whom He favours and teaches will find themselves so. The more grace increases, the more we shall see to abase us in our own eyes; and this will make the Saviour and His salvation more precious to us. He takes His own wise methods to humble you, and to prove you, and I am sure He will do you good in the end.
- John newton
- John newton
12.02.2006
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!
DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!??!!?!?!?
UCLA BEATS USC!
THE UPSET OF THE YEAR!!
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS DEAFENING.
IT WAS... IT WAS... SO MANY THINGS!!
OH MY GOSH!
PRICELESS.
PRICELESS.
THAT'S RIGHT USC... GO CRY. GO.
(and by the way, do you know how hard it is to jump up and down screaming with your hands over your mouth all while trying not to wake a sleeping child down the hall?)
Now for the Big 12 championship....
What a night.
Gracious.
DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!??!!?!?!?
UCLA BEATS USC!
THE UPSET OF THE YEAR!!
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS DEAFENING.
IT WAS... IT WAS... SO MANY THINGS!!
OH MY GOSH!
PRICELESS.
PRICELESS.
THAT'S RIGHT USC... GO CRY. GO.
(and by the way, do you know how hard it is to jump up and down screaming with your hands over your mouth all while trying not to wake a sleeping child down the hall?)
Now for the Big 12 championship....
What a night.
Gracious.
Did I mention?
While dining back in the OKC I had the priviledge of sitting one table away from the former mayor...
BUT THAT'S NOT THE AWESOME PART!
The AWESOME part is that I was also at the table across from Mr. B.C. CLARK HIMSELF!!
For those of you who don't know... BCClarks is this famous jewelry store in Oklahoma. They've been around since 1892. They do cool stuff. They'll give you your engagement ring for free if it rains an inch or more in Oklahoma City on your wedding Day. No joke. Get the ring there and have your wedding anywhere in the world and if it rains more than an inch in OKC you get the ring for free.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE AWESOME PART!
The AWESOME part is that they have this jingle.
That's right: jingle.
And they play it every Christmas Season to promote their Anniversary Sale.
Every true Oklahoman can sing you the BCCLark jingle.
In fact, many have because BCCLark's takes a camera to the mall and records people singing it and uses the footage for their commercials.
As many of you know, being in the BCClark's commercial is on my 101in1001 list.
I wish I could tell you that in a moment of bravery I marched up to the 90+ year old man and interrupted his family brunch to inquire when the cameras would be hitting the malls... but alas, I did nothing of the sort.
I merely sat there. Freaking out. Looking really cool.
The end.
And then I found $5.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE AWESOME PART!
The AWESOME part is that I was also at the table across from Mr. B.C. CLARK HIMSELF!!
For those of you who don't know... BCClarks is this famous jewelry store in Oklahoma. They've been around since 1892. They do cool stuff. They'll give you your engagement ring for free if it rains an inch or more in Oklahoma City on your wedding Day. No joke. Get the ring there and have your wedding anywhere in the world and if it rains more than an inch in OKC you get the ring for free.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE AWESOME PART!
The AWESOME part is that they have this jingle.
That's right: jingle.
And they play it every Christmas Season to promote their Anniversary Sale.
Every true Oklahoman can sing you the BCCLark jingle.
In fact, many have because BCCLark's takes a camera to the mall and records people singing it and uses the footage for their commercials.
As many of you know, being in the BCClark's commercial is on my 101in1001 list.
I wish I could tell you that in a moment of bravery I marched up to the 90+ year old man and interrupted his family brunch to inquire when the cameras would be hitting the malls... but alas, I did nothing of the sort.
I merely sat there. Freaking out. Looking really cool.
The end.
And then I found $5.
12.01.2006
World AIDS Day.
AIDS.
Say the word and some think of Africa, some think of homosexuals, some think of poverty, some think of women, some think of judgement, some think of children, some think of economics,and some think of their family.
Have you thought about how AIDS is affecting your family?
Think it doesn't?
Think again.
The concerts may be over, the publicity may be dwindling down, but AIDS is still affecting thousands of our family members every day.
Consider the statistics:
People living with HIV
* 39.5 million people worldwide
* 37 million adults
* 17.7 million women
* 2.3 million children under 15
New HIV cases in 2006
* 4.3 million total new cases
* 3.8 million adults
* 530,000 children under 15
AIDS deaths in 2006
* 2.9 million total deaths
* 2.6 million adults
* 380,000 children under 15
HIV by Region 2006
Sub-Saharan Africa
* 24.7 million adults and children living with HIV
* 13.3 million women living with HIV
* 2.8 million adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 5.9% adult prevalence
* 2.1 million adult and child deaths due to AIDS
South and South-East Asia
* 7.8 million adults and children living with HIV
* 2.2 million women living with HIV
* 860,000 million adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.6% adult prevalence
* 590,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
East Asia
* 750,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 210,000 women living with HIV
* 100,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.1% adult prevalence
* 43,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Eastern Europe and Central Asia
* 1.7 million adults and children living with HIV
* 510,000 women living with HIV
* 270,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.9% adult prevalence
* 84,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Caribbean
* 250,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 120,000 women living with HIV
* 27,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 1.2% adult prevalence
* 19,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Latin America
* 1.7 million adults and children living with HIV
* 510,000 women living with HIV
* 140,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.5% adult prevalence
* 65,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
North America
* 1.4 million adults and children living with HIV
* 350,000 women living with HIV
* 43,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.8% adult prevalence
* 18,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Western and Central Europe
* 740,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 210,000 women living with HIV
* 22,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.3% adult prevalence
* 12,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Middle East and North Africa
* 460,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 200,000 women living with HIV
* 68,000 adults and children newly infected
* 0.2% adult prevalence
* 36,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Oceania
* 81,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 36,000 women living with HIV
* 7,100 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.4% adult prevalence
* 4,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
All figures from UNAIDS AIDS Epidemic Update 2006
Consider your family:
Consider what YOU can do:
Educate yourself: AVERT, UNAIDS, ONE, DATA
Encourage our leaders to Keep the Promise to stop AIDS by 2015. SENATE,
CONGRESS, THE PRESIDENT
-Participate in the HIV Vaccine Trials: CLICK HERE
-Support Organizations that are working to get the job done: Blood:water Mission, African Leadership, OXFAM, DATA
-Shop Wisely: RED
Say the word and some think of Africa, some think of homosexuals, some think of poverty, some think of women, some think of judgement, some think of children, some think of economics,and some think of their family.
Have you thought about how AIDS is affecting your family?
Think it doesn't?
Think again.
The concerts may be over, the publicity may be dwindling down, but AIDS is still affecting thousands of our family members every day.
Consider the statistics:
People living with HIV
* 39.5 million people worldwide
* 37 million adults
* 17.7 million women
* 2.3 million children under 15
New HIV cases in 2006
* 4.3 million total new cases
* 3.8 million adults
* 530,000 children under 15
AIDS deaths in 2006
* 2.9 million total deaths
* 2.6 million adults
* 380,000 children under 15
HIV by Region 2006
Sub-Saharan Africa
* 24.7 million adults and children living with HIV
* 13.3 million women living with HIV
* 2.8 million adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 5.9% adult prevalence
* 2.1 million adult and child deaths due to AIDS
South and South-East Asia
* 7.8 million adults and children living with HIV
* 2.2 million women living with HIV
* 860,000 million adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.6% adult prevalence
* 590,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
East Asia
* 750,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 210,000 women living with HIV
* 100,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.1% adult prevalence
* 43,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Eastern Europe and Central Asia
* 1.7 million adults and children living with HIV
* 510,000 women living with HIV
* 270,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.9% adult prevalence
* 84,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Caribbean
* 250,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 120,000 women living with HIV
* 27,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 1.2% adult prevalence
* 19,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Latin America
* 1.7 million adults and children living with HIV
* 510,000 women living with HIV
* 140,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.5% adult prevalence
* 65,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
North America
* 1.4 million adults and children living with HIV
* 350,000 women living with HIV
* 43,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.8% adult prevalence
* 18,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Western and Central Europe
* 740,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 210,000 women living with HIV
* 22,000 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.3% adult prevalence
* 12,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Middle East and North Africa
* 460,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 200,000 women living with HIV
* 68,000 adults and children newly infected
* 0.2% adult prevalence
* 36,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
Oceania
* 81,000 adults and children living with HIV
* 36,000 women living with HIV
* 7,100 adults and children newly infected with HIV
* 0.4% adult prevalence
* 4,000 adult and child deaths due to AIDS
All figures from UNAIDS AIDS Epidemic Update 2006
Consider your family:
Consider what YOU can do:
Educate yourself: AVERT, UNAIDS, ONE, DATA
Encourage our leaders to Keep the Promise to stop AIDS by 2015. SENATE,
CONGRESS, THE PRESIDENT
-Participate in the HIV Vaccine Trials: CLICK HERE
-Support Organizations that are working to get the job done: Blood:water Mission, African Leadership, OXFAM, DATA
-Shop Wisely: RED
11.28.2006
In other news:
Today during our staff meeting the boss had everyone go around the circle and share what they were thankful for.
I'm not typically a fan of such circumstances as it seems that any time I am put on the spot the only things I can think of are the stereotypical (no matter how true) things like: my friends, my family, Jesus. So you find yourself in the battle: say the cliches and be ordinary, or avoid the cliches and leave people wondering "wow, she's not thankful for Jesus. dang!"
So maybe I over analyze these things just a bit.
Anyways.. I really did have a hard time thinking of things, which is weird because last week I made my annual list o' thankfulness for this here blog. But in my moment of truth, I suffered. There I was in the midst of a group of thankful people. People thankful for the flag, immigrants thankful for America, near-middle aged men thankful for their wives... and me: friends, family, no school, lower loan payment. Wow.
Be glad you missed it, and therefore you get the REAL things I'm thankful for. So without further ado here tis:
Danica's List o' Thankfulness 2006
She's thankful for:
-Valentine: You come to me when I cry. That's amazing! 17 years and still going strong!
-Mo: You keep me entertained. Welcome to the list!
-My church: City Church East Nashville. It takes a special place to welcome both a persons pain and joy, and it takes special people to be willing to enter in to either.
-My job.
-My boss: thanks for the time off!
-Janice: for always wishing me a “blessed day” (even if you do call me “baby D”)
-Patricia: you make me smile. Thanks for appreciating me.
-I'm thankful that no one (with the exception of 1 person) at work really knows anything of substance about me. I'm not "activist danica" or "singer danica" or "the heart of belmont" or "the girl who got dumped by her fiancé"... I'm just Danica. And that's nice.
-I'm thankful that I have an office. fun!
-I'm thankful that I can wear jeans to work. Oh yes.
-RUF
-My Nashville friends : you make Nashville home. Thank-you for loving me enough to laugh or cry with me. Thank-you for refusing to let me forget who Jesus is, and for reminding me of who He isn’t.
-Kevin and Wendy Twit
-The 40+ people who sent me cards, e-mails, and packages last month. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you.
-Service Year: it hasn’t always been rainbows, but it introduced me to a great organization, sweet neighbors and a year of free rent.
-Childcare Solution: You kept my bank account alive and well over the summer. You let me cry on the phone and cancel 5 jobs with no explanation. You let me leave town for a month and you still let me take jobs with you. You prayed for me before you knew why. Thank-you.
-WOSMith: My kids: you make me smile. The staff: you welcomed me in, gave me minds to mold, then set me loose. Thanks for letting me share music with your students. And for helping me discover my theory teaching skills!
-I'm thankful for those that have helped show me reality by reminding me of the "conditional-ness" of thngs...and for helping me grow up by teaching me to be both realistic and cautious.
-My Oklahoma friends: we may not have proximity, but we have history, and oftentimes that’s more than enough. Thanks for being open ears and hearts. I miss you guys.
- Josh: I’m sorry about that day at Mozarts. But I am so glad you were there, and that you had your cell phone with you. Thank-you for coming home to see me.
-Indelible Grace: the music and the real thing
-Mom: Thanks for making bad things beautiful. (that's why I think you should paint sunsets.) You inspire me. Thanks for going to Boston with me, and for not letting me drive off that one day.
-Dad: You may not know it, but more than any other man, you’ve taught me a great deal about Jesus and how he loves people.
-Mom and Dad: I love you. Thank-you for working so hard to give me a beautiful wedding. And for working even harder to make it disappear.
-Jesus: ... I’m not as thankful as I should be. Help me in my unbelief.
-Nashville: “Tennessee you’ve been good to me. Yes I’ve come to believe you’re where I want I want to be... You may not be what I will always need. But I call you home. And if I call you home, then you’re good enough for me.”
-Sallie Mae: thank you for lowering my payments. I wish you would put it into affect now instead of waiting until January.. but I'll take what I can get. And I'm very very thankful.
This years seemed harder than usual.. but really there are so many more people and things I could include... really. The longer I sit and think about it the more I come up with.
Happy Holidays!
Count your blessings!
I'm not typically a fan of such circumstances as it seems that any time I am put on the spot the only things I can think of are the stereotypical (no matter how true) things like: my friends, my family, Jesus. So you find yourself in the battle: say the cliches and be ordinary, or avoid the cliches and leave people wondering "wow, she's not thankful for Jesus. dang!"
So maybe I over analyze these things just a bit.
Anyways.. I really did have a hard time thinking of things, which is weird because last week I made my annual list o' thankfulness for this here blog. But in my moment of truth, I suffered. There I was in the midst of a group of thankful people. People thankful for the flag, immigrants thankful for America, near-middle aged men thankful for their wives... and me: friends, family, no school, lower loan payment. Wow.
Be glad you missed it, and therefore you get the REAL things I'm thankful for. So without further ado here tis:
Danica's List o' Thankfulness 2006
She's thankful for:
-Valentine: You come to me when I cry. That's amazing! 17 years and still going strong!
-Mo: You keep me entertained. Welcome to the list!
-My church: City Church East Nashville. It takes a special place to welcome both a persons pain and joy, and it takes special people to be willing to enter in to either.
-My job.
-My boss: thanks for the time off!
-Janice: for always wishing me a “blessed day” (even if you do call me “baby D”)
-Patricia: you make me smile. Thanks for appreciating me.
-I'm thankful that no one (with the exception of 1 person) at work really knows anything of substance about me. I'm not "activist danica" or "singer danica" or "the heart of belmont" or "the girl who got dumped by her fiancé"... I'm just Danica. And that's nice.
-I'm thankful that I have an office. fun!
-I'm thankful that I can wear jeans to work. Oh yes.
-RUF
-My Nashville friends : you make Nashville home. Thank-you for loving me enough to laugh or cry with me. Thank-you for refusing to let me forget who Jesus is, and for reminding me of who He isn’t.
-Kevin and Wendy Twit
-The 40+ people who sent me cards, e-mails, and packages last month. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you.
-Service Year: it hasn’t always been rainbows, but it introduced me to a great organization, sweet neighbors and a year of free rent.
-Childcare Solution: You kept my bank account alive and well over the summer. You let me cry on the phone and cancel 5 jobs with no explanation. You let me leave town for a month and you still let me take jobs with you. You prayed for me before you knew why. Thank-you.
-WOSMith: My kids: you make me smile. The staff: you welcomed me in, gave me minds to mold, then set me loose. Thanks for letting me share music with your students. And for helping me discover my theory teaching skills!
-I'm thankful for those that have helped show me reality by reminding me of the "conditional-ness" of thngs...and for helping me grow up by teaching me to be both realistic and cautious.
-My Oklahoma friends: we may not have proximity, but we have history, and oftentimes that’s more than enough. Thanks for being open ears and hearts. I miss you guys.
- Josh: I’m sorry about that day at Mozarts. But I am so glad you were there, and that you had your cell phone with you. Thank-you for coming home to see me.
-Indelible Grace: the music and the real thing
-Mom: Thanks for making bad things beautiful. (that's why I think you should paint sunsets.) You inspire me. Thanks for going to Boston with me, and for not letting me drive off that one day.
-Dad: You may not know it, but more than any other man, you’ve taught me a great deal about Jesus and how he loves people.
-Mom and Dad: I love you. Thank-you for working so hard to give me a beautiful wedding. And for working even harder to make it disappear.
-Jesus: ... I’m not as thankful as I should be. Help me in my unbelief.
-Nashville: “Tennessee you’ve been good to me. Yes I’ve come to believe you’re where I want I want to be... You may not be what I will always need. But I call you home. And if I call you home, then you’re good enough for me.”
-Sallie Mae: thank you for lowering my payments. I wish you would put it into affect now instead of waiting until January.. but I'll take what I can get. And I'm very very thankful.
This years seemed harder than usual.. but really there are so many more people and things I could include... really. The longer I sit and think about it the more I come up with.
Happy Holidays!
Count your blessings!
Just do it.
Tonight at neighborhood group we got to talking about the theory that says: If you want to be something, or believe something and you are afraid that you can't, or you just flat out don't, sometimes it's best to start out by acting like the thing you want to be, and then over time you will become that person. I guess it's the whole 'do it to be it' thing. (Ex: if you want to be a more giving person, and you feel that you aren't that way or that you don't know how.. then just start giving and soon it will come naturally)
I started working on this recently and made some headway actually, but now I figure it's time to put it in 5th.
So:
I'm going to act like I'm excited about Christmas and not dreading it.
I'm going to act like I enjoy house hunting by myself.
I'm going to act as though babysitting in the (far-too-nice) homes of young families with pictures of their wedding and their family framed through the house doesn't phase me.
I'm going to act like I don't notice the wedding related e-mails and snail mail and phone calls that never stop coming.
I'm going to act as though I've forgotten that I have a wedding gown and 300 invitations and a plethora of decorations hidden at my parents house.
I'm going to act like it's just not a big deal anymore. Cause really, is it?
I'm going to act like an interesting person who is interested in things.
I'm going to act like I care.
So if the saying holds true, then soon I will be excited about christmas, I'll love house hunting, I won't be phased, I won't notice, I will forget, it won't matter, I will be interested and I might care.
Sounds like a good Christmas list to me.
"What? Ohhh yeeeeaaahhh. I feel grrrrreeeeeaaaaatttttt.. what's up? Me. I'm up. and I feel grrrrrrrrreeat!"
Mmhmm. great.
I started working on this recently and made some headway actually, but now I figure it's time to put it in 5th.
So:
I'm going to act like I'm excited about Christmas and not dreading it.
I'm going to act like I enjoy house hunting by myself.
I'm going to act as though babysitting in the (far-too-nice) homes of young families with pictures of their wedding and their family framed through the house doesn't phase me.
I'm going to act like I don't notice the wedding related e-mails and snail mail and phone calls that never stop coming.
I'm going to act as though I've forgotten that I have a wedding gown and 300 invitations and a plethora of decorations hidden at my parents house.
I'm going to act like it's just not a big deal anymore. Cause really, is it?
I'm going to act like an interesting person who is interested in things.
I'm going to act like I care.
So if the saying holds true, then soon I will be excited about christmas, I'll love house hunting, I won't be phased, I won't notice, I will forget, it won't matter, I will be interested and I might care.
Sounds like a good Christmas list to me.
"What? Ohhh yeeeeaaahhh. I feel grrrrreeeeeaaaaatttttt.. what's up? Me. I'm up. and I feel grrrrrrrrreeat!"
Mmhmm. great.
11.27.2006
11.26.2006
"And oh, isn't it strange how things can change you?"
"And oh, isn't it plain that some things unname you...
No need to save face, say goodnight, Grace
'Good night, Grace.'"
No need to save face, say goodnight, Grace
'Good night, Grace.'"
11.24.2006
What's a Sooner to do?
If there was ever a day for Sooner fans to care about a Texas game... that day would have been today.
Texas vs. Texas A&M
Oh the drama.
A win for Texas would shoot them into the Big 12 Championship, whereas a win for A&M would put OU into the Big 12 Championship game (assuming OU wins tomorrow against OSU... which isn't that hard to assume).
Let's take a moment to count the reasons why Texas does not deserve to go the Big 12 Championship:
1. 111th passing defense in the country.
2. Hello! They lost to Kansas State.(in your free time you should investigate their record this season)
3. Need I mention the Oregon/OU game? Yeah... I didn't think so.
4. Uh, it's Texas. Duh.
The good news is this: thus far, the football gods have agreed with my reasoning.
Oh friends. I hope you saw the game. It was beautiful. The A&M 8+ minute drive to the goal line in the 4th quarter. The interception by A&M with 1:18 left in the game.
The OTHER interception by A&M with only 17 seconds left in the game...
People, I have a sore throat.
I watched the majority of the 4th quarter between the lines of my fingers.
Glorious. (i still don't like A&M, but glorious!)
Now there will be some that will blame this on McCoys injury...but that came with 20 seconds left. Yeah, the pinched nerve from Kansas State may have been giving him trouble, but the truth is, A&M won because Texas let them run the ball. McCoy ShmuckCoy, Texas defense had a job to do...
But as they say: "All's well that ends well."
And today ended VERY well for the Sooners.
YAY!
Texas vs. Texas A&M
Oh the drama.
A win for Texas would shoot them into the Big 12 Championship, whereas a win for A&M would put OU into the Big 12 Championship game (assuming OU wins tomorrow against OSU... which isn't that hard to assume).
Let's take a moment to count the reasons why Texas does not deserve to go the Big 12 Championship:
1. 111th passing defense in the country.
2. Hello! They lost to Kansas State.(in your free time you should investigate their record this season)
3. Need I mention the Oregon/OU game? Yeah... I didn't think so.
4. Uh, it's Texas. Duh.
The good news is this: thus far, the football gods have agreed with my reasoning.
Oh friends. I hope you saw the game. It was beautiful. The A&M 8+ minute drive to the goal line in the 4th quarter. The interception by A&M with 1:18 left in the game.
The OTHER interception by A&M with only 17 seconds left in the game...
People, I have a sore throat.
I watched the majority of the 4th quarter between the lines of my fingers.
Glorious. (i still don't like A&M, but glorious!)
Now there will be some that will blame this on McCoys injury...but that came with 20 seconds left. Yeah, the pinched nerve from Kansas State may have been giving him trouble, but the truth is, A&M won because Texas let them run the ball. McCoy ShmuckCoy, Texas defense had a job to do...
But as they say: "All's well that ends well."
And today ended VERY well for the Sooners.
YAY!
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