So after having a melt down in my car for 45 minutes last night and then going to work this morning and having to leave, I am now sitting at home wondering what the hell I am doing.
I do not want this life.
I do not want this story.
And there’s nothing I can do about.
I need to go away. Somewhere far, far away and never come back.
I'm not sure I want exile, but maybe exile is what I need.
Basically I’ve been planning my, “daring daylight escape” if you will.
What’s a girl to do? It’s crazy to go on living life wishing semi’s would tip over on you on your drive home... so the answer is simple: go where the semi’s are few. I’m not sure where that is yet. But I have a few ideas.
As it is, Christmas is almost here. I’m so behind. I’m just not in the mood. All that shopping, and buying and selling, and sales pitching, and sad music, and cold weather, and advertisements everywhere. Can’t I just sleep through it? Go to sleep tonight and wake up later? Or never. Whatever. I like sleep.
Anyways Christmas means that New Years is coming, and New Years means “future.”
Following that logic, I was thinking about Christmas, then New Years, then “the future” and that’s how I got to planning my “daring daylight escape.”
****note: i don’t know why I put in the paragraph about Christmas... I know it doesn’t fit. It simply came out and appeared on the screen, so I decided to leave it to see if I could come up with an appropriate segue for it... I think I did pretty good.
Anyways...I was thinking about the upcoming year and how at this point it’s looking like nothing more than 12 decembers in a row with a mere weather change from month to month and less decorations and depressing music. Different, but not better, right? Sadly, I’m running out of patience with ”different.”
I did not plan for this. Like an idiot I did not shelter any hidden corners of myself to pull out in case my life turned out this way, and I am paying for that in so many ways now. I’ve lived long enough to know that change is the only thing a person can count on. I don’t know what I was thinking.
You’d think I would simply figure it out. It’s amazing, really, how against all odds and common sense I can continue to leave myself open for this. I’m desperately trying to change my ways. It’s making me into someone I don’t want to be, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t keep hurting like this anymore. I can’t...and I know it sounds melodramatic, and I hope to God that in a few months I will look back and think that it is.. but it’s just where I am right now.
They say that “when the soul wants, the soul waits.” But what if your soul wants nothing? Or if it's just flat out confused and demented? I’m not missing pieces. I don’t feel like I’m awaiting some huge life lesson or personal enlightenment. I’m not “searching” for anything.
I just want to get beyond this.. this.. whatever this place is. And I don’t know what the “beyond” looks like. What it is, what it means, what it will be, when the hell it’s coming, etc. I just don’t know.
Supposedly a lady “always knows when to leave.” Ya know, the whole “you must always know how long to stay, and when to go.” Well I’ve never been much of a “lady,” but each day it’s becoming more and more apparent that I have worn out my welcome just about everywhere. And that’s not to say that I’m being ignored or mistreated or something, because I’m not. (It’s not you, It’s me. You’re awesome. etc etc... cliches 1, 2 and 3)...It’s just that I don’t work anymore. I don’t fit. I don’t belong. And it’s my fault. Maybe I am awaiting personal enlightenment in some ways. I do have a lot to learn. As long as I’m the girl who protects everyone’s heart except her own, then I will continue to find myself in this predicament over, and over, and over again. And I can only start over so many times.
But I’ll get it right this time. I’ll go to work, pay my bills, attend the parties, smile for the pictures and so-on and so-forth... but a day is coming when I will simply walk away and be the one to leave everyone else behind for once.
It’s time to grow up.
I have to get it right. I have to.
My heart and head can’t stay stupid forever.
Crazy how a reason not to do something can quickly turn into just as good a reason to do it.
I don’t claim to have it all figured out... quite the opposite actually. All I know is that I can’t keep doing this. I don’t know why I’ve received the life of a walking corpse, but something has got to give. Cigarettes and too much sleep can only divert a person for so long. I keep trying. So hard. But I just can’t anymore. I guess I’m just way too emotional, and I hate that about myself. I hate that I just can’t ignore situations into oblivion or something. What’s that awful band that growls that song about how their weakness is that they care too much? Bad execution, but good point. Hate to say that I know the feeling.
It kills me because now I am basically screwing myself since I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. Nothing is happening, it’s just self perpetuating and I feel like I am the only one who can step in and stop it, and I keep trying but it keeps going and I keep getting hit: I sleep all the time, but I’m tired. I’m with people most of the time, but I’m lonely. It doesn’t make sense. And no “good thing” or “good person” or “good anything” is going to want to come anywhere near me because I’m having extreme difficulty believing in “good” anythings. I’m struggling. It has to get better. Not just different. Better. Now.
I don’t even know why I waste my time posting anymore. I’m not looking for replies or advice from anyone; and I’m sure as hell not out for anyones sympathy. By now I’ve had enough sympathy for a lifetime, thanks. I guess, if anything, this can serve as proof that I am not as “strong” and “fine” and “together” and “Great” as everyone thinks I am.
Maybe it’s just that 5 years worth of posting have made it a habit now, or maybe it’s just nice to know that this way I can say it all without having to physically say anything, or that maybe some stranger will stroll by and relate to something I’ve said and they can leave feeling a little less lonely, or perhaps it’s just because I have nothing better to do.. except sleep. Sleep is always good.
It’s waking up that’s rough.
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy.
You keep trying to be.
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."