Authors note: The following post is one I have had for several weeks now. I've been holding it in "draft" but the other day I watched the most recent Desperate Housewives episode and it highlighted some of what I had to say, so after seeing it I decided to go ahead and post it.
I've been thinking a lot about doubt recently. I've been reading Timothy Keller's newest book: "The Reason for God" and it has been addressing some of the issues I have had these past couple of years. I've talked with some of you about this, so it's really no secret or anything. Sometimes thinking about my life, and God and "christians" and the whole "religion" thing keeps me up at night.
I suppose most of it has been in the back of my mind in some form or fashion for a while. Seeing hungry children, wartorn countries, cities destroyed by natural disasters..etc.. that stuff makes you think. Add to that the day-in-day-out disappointments that any human has, and personal events that hit a little closer to home and I think anyone would reflect on this sort of stuff a little bit more than usual.
I just find myself plagued with questions and arguements and doubt about things that I really don't want to think about right now for fear that I'll come out with even less belief/faith/hope than I have now... which is hard to imagine. Not to mention that I don't always want to discuss it with people cause everyone has a different opinion, and most take it too personally and no one really has any answers anyway. I guess I'm just frustrated. What else is new? Maybe I am making an idol out of my understanding. Maybe I am just thinking too much. But why create me to think and then expect me to do it less? Why put a question in a human who was created curious and then condem them for asking it out loud? Obviously there are many flaws in those last 2 statements.... but this is the track my mind has been on for awhile now.
I've begun to see religion and views on christianity and sin and behavior as circular and convenient at best.. and before I know it, I don't know what to think anymore. It seems most christians use God as their excuse to justify doing or saying whatever it is they want to do or say.... and then there is all kinds of other evil going on for what appears to be no reason. Do we blame humans for their choices, or God for His plan? I suppose we should just blame "sin"... but that seems like such a cop-out. After all, why is sin even an issue? This takes me back to the beginning... to Adam and Eve.
Did God plan for Adam and Eve to sin, or did he merely give them the choice and then allow it to happen? Either way, God knew Adam and Eve were going to sin, so why not stop them, and thus stop the fall of man and it's residual fallout (not to mention the death of His son and the destruction of man) right at the start? Couldn't all of this have been avoided?
There is a large part of me that feels like a good and powerful God would have stopped two individuals from ruining things for the rest of eternity right at the start, so why not? Taking it a bit further, if God planned for men to sin so that He could have His son killed on their behalf, that's love, but doesn't that make Him some sort of masochist or something? I think God is powerful, I don't think it was a matter of capability... but sometimes I do think it's a matter of will. Maybe he just chose not to intervene. But why?
Most of the time I feel as though God is going to do whatever He wants to do, and there's not a whole lot we can do about it. I think that God is "good" in the sense that He is good on His terms... not always on ours, and something about that depresses me, even though I know that should be good news. The Bible says that God's plans are for good and not for evil Plans to prosper and not to harm us... and yet, plenty of christians (and everyone else) suffer horribly. I don't expect a world without suffering, but I just can't see children starving to death as "good." I can't see people being cruel and hateful as "good." I've dished out my share of terrible behavior, and I've been on the receiving end of hate and indifference from others (christians even....actually.... christians mostly) and maybe that's what God thinks is "good" for me... but I can't seem to see it that way myself. And yet it happens. I find myself wishing I could just see things the way God sees them. I'm not saying I want to "be God," cause that would be terrible for everyone involved... but if I could just see things from a perspective other than mine. I dunno.
Sometimes I manage to be patient waiting for the "good" to come of things. But it appears that most times, good doesn't come. I know it will all be redeemed eventually, but if it all could have been circumvented in the beginning, then why wasn't that done? And honestly, I know that redemption is coming, and I long for that day, I really do... but part of me is a little miffed by the fact that we just have to truck along taking hits as they come and then die before we get to really and truly experience it. Thinking about that makes me wonder why more people don't commit suicide. If it's all about that final day and just surviving in the mean time, then why bother living at all? (and no, I'm not suicidal or anything, really.)
As strange as it seems, I want to believe better things. I really do. But how do you make yourself believe something? I find myself missing the person I used to be. It seems to me that the Danica who so passionately believed things, has completely faded away into someone who doesn't believe much of anything anymore. I still believe in God, but I don't trust Him anymore. Just writing it out and seeing it there makes me sad, but I just don't know what to do with it. I suppose I trust God to "do His thing".. but I definitely don't trust Him to care about what I think or feel or want. And why should He? He's God, and I've begun to believe that He will do what He wants, when He wants regardless of my prayers, thoughts, hopes or feelings. And that sucks, because I want God to care but I also want Him in control... but then I see what happens when He is in control and I start to wonder... the number of things I could have prevented in my life if I had only trusted less... I'll have someof those regrets for the rest of my life. That's a really hard thing to get my mind around.
I think my problem is that I tend to "trust" God like I trust people: based on experience and what they show me. But that's probably not the best thing. Just because I've trusted God many times before and things turned out terrible, doesn't mean that they always will, right? I was thinking about this recently, and I realized, I can't "trust" or "distrust" God based on what I feel he is doing or what I feel he has done, but rather on what I know He has done. I can, and must, trust God because of Jesus. God came through for Jesus. And thinking about this helps me... until I go back to the beginning and think that if the fall of man had been avoided, then God wouldn't have had to send His son at all... not that He "had" to in the first place but...
Sigh.
No wonder I can't sleep.
4.17.2008
4.15.2008
A Great Day Off
Includes:
-Awaking naturally at 8am and staying in bed with the computer till 10.
-Coffee & discussion
-Barbeque with friends
-4.5mile hike
-Shower
-Tim Keller online video
-Birthday party for the pastor at a local bar with performances by fellow chuch members: Sandra McCracken, The Trigger Code, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and John Davis.
-Jam Session at home
-Sleep. =)
-Awaking naturally at 8am and staying in bed with the computer till 10.
-Coffee & discussion
-Barbeque with friends
-4.5mile hike
-Shower
-Tim Keller online video
-Birthday party for the pastor at a local bar with performances by fellow chuch members: Sandra McCracken, The Trigger Code, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and John Davis.
-Jam Session at home
-Sleep. =)
4.14.2008
This day in history.
8 years ago today I began a journey that I recently ended and quite honestly, regret ever having started. And 143 years ago today my hero was assassinated. Coincidence? I think not.
****EDIT*****
This just in: Today also marks the sinking of the Titanic. Oh the irony.
****EDIT*****
This just in: Today also marks the sinking of the Titanic. Oh the irony.
3.28.2008
Lessons from Running...
Many of you are aware that I have been training for the Country Music Half Marathon. with the race about one month away (April 26th) yesterday I successfully completed 10 miles! I am still in a bit of shock! I knew i could do it, but wow. I've never run that far/long before. Wow.
Anyhow, since I began this torture, countless numbers of people have asked me the same question: "Why?" Typically I spout off some sort of response expressing how I want to prove to people that I can do this...That I've been told all my life that I am bad runner... that it's on my 101 list.. etc. All of this is true, however it's so much more than that.
Since my training began, I've discovered a few truths about running that I feel also apply to the rest of life. While high on the cheesiness scale, I do think some of these are insightful....
Believing is half the battle. For me personally, this has been my saving grace, because I've believed I can do this race (some days less than others) from the beginning. Even when others didn't, I believed I could do it...no matter how hard it sucked (and there have been many sucky times). Ironically, I'm finding "believing" to be the hardest part in almost every area of my life right now. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm sticking with this running madness. I need to see something I believe in come true. And at this point, I more than "believe" that I can do this race.. I know I can. And just the thought of crossing the finish line after working so hard and for believing in something that seemed impossible half of the time and stupid most of the time, just the thought of actually seeing it happen makes me feel a lot of different things. And this, more than anything else, is why I just might be one of those weirdos who gets emotional after finishing the race. I always thought that was ridiculous (I still kinda do), but when I see this belief actualized.. well.. I dunno what I'll do.
Wasting time watching everyone else is the surest way to fail. (in other words: Go at your own pace) Sometimes I get depressed at the fact that I am one of the slowest runners to ever grace this planet. Currently, I don't really care, since speed doesn't have much to do with one's ability to finish, however, there were moments when my (lack of) speed gave me grief. I've learned that you have to take things at your own pace and just be satisfied. I'm not out to impress anyone with my swift agility (thank goodness, since I have none!), I'm simply out to finish without walking, and without injury. If I'm doing a long-run with a group of people and try to keep pace with college cross-country runners several things could/probably will happen: 1. I'll run out of steam early and quit. 2. I'll hurt myself. 3. I'll feel stupid. In short: Know thy pace... and keep it!
It's not about speed, it's about not giving up.
This goes hand in hand with our last point. While speed is important, it isn't the end-all, be-all of surviving a long race. There are plenty of hardcore runners out there who are obsessed with their time and their speed. More power to them, I say. For me, and for most I would wager, it's about getting to the finish line injury-free without copping out and quitting. Think on this, and be satisfied. Save your time stressing for your 2nd race.
There are no shortcuts. If you aren't committed, don't bother. You have to be dedicated to run a half marathon. This was one of the main reasons I decided to beat myself up in the first place. I wanted to prove to myself that I could take on a huge physical and mental task that I never thought I could do and then complete it. Running seemed perfect to me because like most other difficult things in life, there are no shortcuts. For better or for worse I am the queen of shortcuts. If there is an easier way to do something, you can bet that I will figure out how to do it. I call this resourceful, my math teachers called it rebellious. (but can you blame me? Why waste time showing your work if you already know the answer?) I am a detailed person, but at the end of the day I am very results oriented: "Where are we going and what's the fastest, most accurate way to get there?" Like map-quest! However, there isn't a "faster" way to become adept at running. You just have to run. Strange as it may seem, i find it to be like forgiveness. Like forgiving, you just have to run over and over, more and more often for longer and longer until you have built up endurance. There are no short-cuts. I can't read a book that will make me a better runner. I can't rely on anyone else to push me along, I've just simply got to run. And if you can't dedicate yourself to that, if you can't commit to the boring day-in-day-out of it, then don't bother signing up, cause chances are you won't get there. Ironically, I've done lots of things that required large amounts of dedication/commitment with little room (if any) for shortcuts: music stuff, graduating, paying off loans, event planning, organizing..etc, and with the exception of forgiveness and learning to love well, the most difficult has been the running.
Boredom happens. Be ready to fight! This one is hard. Sometimes I have all the strength I need to keep going but I get bored anyway and try and persuade myself to stop. I have found that my mind is an incredible ally and enemy! I can talk myself out of, or into anything. So I've learned the trick is this: when running, don't think about running. The second I start thinking about how I am running, or long I've been going, or how far I have to go, or what else I could be doing with 2 full hours on a Saturday afternoon, I immediately get tired and start thinking about ways to justify quitting. Like couples that are constantly having DTR's, thinking about running while running is another way to destine yourself to an unhappy ending. Basically in running, just as in life: Boredom happens. Plan for it. Have a plan of attack ready! Are you going to quit college 3/4ths of the way through because you are bored? Are you going to put your dog to sleep because he wasn't what you expected? Are you going to divorce your wife of 10 years because it's all feeling just a bit too routine? Hopefully not!!! So are you going to quit running at 8 miles because you really want a cheeseburger and you just KNOW you could be having 10 times the fun just about anywhere else? No! Be dedicated! Commit! Boredom is not a justifiable excuse. You signed up for this, remember?!
Routine is a stumbling block we all face. This pretty much goes back to the boredom bit. Routine is rough. Once I've run a route once, or have run to a play list once, I find it 10 times harder to run the same route, or run to the same play list a second time. I get bored. The routine has lost its newness. I'm no longer intrigued. There is less to distract me from the now unavoidable fact that I am (gasp!) running! I imagine this resonates with everyone on some level. The past 2 years of my life have been a lesson in learning not to fear "the routine." It's been difficult. Staying in one place, not having the variety that I used to have, not throwing money at any and every opportunity in the name of distraction to avoid the pain of standing still... I'm told that this is a sign of maturity. One can only hope. It is true in children. Children who are further along in their development can sit still. They can listen longer. They don't wiggle as much or run around a room full of adults like overstimulated puppies. Perhaps it's true of adults as well? Regardless, I do think it's a sign of mature runners. There are major perks to running a route that you know, the most important one being that you can pace yourself better. You can avoid deathtraps like raised concrete. You can hide your water bottles. You can time the trains...etc. Routine: It's a stumbling block, not a cornerstone. (someone should put that on a shirt)
Shoes make all the difference. Do I really need to say more about this one? =)
Don't worry, I'm not out to become some hard-core endurance athlete, believe me! I think it's telling that the first person to run a full marathon died right after he finished. I will not be following in his footsteps. I have found this journey to be somewhat rewarding thus far. The last time I have felt this proud of myself was when the EP was finished, and that was a kind of challenge I am better at, much easier in comparison to this!
1 month remains.....
Anyhow, since I began this torture, countless numbers of people have asked me the same question: "Why?" Typically I spout off some sort of response expressing how I want to prove to people that I can do this...That I've been told all my life that I am bad runner... that it's on my 101 list.. etc. All of this is true, however it's so much more than that.
Since my training began, I've discovered a few truths about running that I feel also apply to the rest of life. While high on the cheesiness scale, I do think some of these are insightful....
Believing is half the battle. For me personally, this has been my saving grace, because I've believed I can do this race (some days less than others) from the beginning. Even when others didn't, I believed I could do it...no matter how hard it sucked (and there have been many sucky times). Ironically, I'm finding "believing" to be the hardest part in almost every area of my life right now. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm sticking with this running madness. I need to see something I believe in come true. And at this point, I more than "believe" that I can do this race.. I know I can. And just the thought of crossing the finish line after working so hard and for believing in something that seemed impossible half of the time and stupid most of the time, just the thought of actually seeing it happen makes me feel a lot of different things. And this, more than anything else, is why I just might be one of those weirdos who gets emotional after finishing the race. I always thought that was ridiculous (I still kinda do), but when I see this belief actualized.. well.. I dunno what I'll do.
Wasting time watching everyone else is the surest way to fail. (in other words: Go at your own pace) Sometimes I get depressed at the fact that I am one of the slowest runners to ever grace this planet. Currently, I don't really care, since speed doesn't have much to do with one's ability to finish, however, there were moments when my (lack of) speed gave me grief. I've learned that you have to take things at your own pace and just be satisfied. I'm not out to impress anyone with my swift agility (thank goodness, since I have none!), I'm simply out to finish without walking, and without injury. If I'm doing a long-run with a group of people and try to keep pace with college cross-country runners several things could/probably will happen: 1. I'll run out of steam early and quit. 2. I'll hurt myself. 3. I'll feel stupid. In short: Know thy pace... and keep it!
It's not about speed, it's about not giving up.
This goes hand in hand with our last point. While speed is important, it isn't the end-all, be-all of surviving a long race. There are plenty of hardcore runners out there who are obsessed with their time and their speed. More power to them, I say. For me, and for most I would wager, it's about getting to the finish line injury-free without copping out and quitting. Think on this, and be satisfied. Save your time stressing for your 2nd race.
There are no shortcuts. If you aren't committed, don't bother. You have to be dedicated to run a half marathon. This was one of the main reasons I decided to beat myself up in the first place. I wanted to prove to myself that I could take on a huge physical and mental task that I never thought I could do and then complete it. Running seemed perfect to me because like most other difficult things in life, there are no shortcuts. For better or for worse I am the queen of shortcuts. If there is an easier way to do something, you can bet that I will figure out how to do it. I call this resourceful, my math teachers called it rebellious. (but can you blame me? Why waste time showing your work if you already know the answer?) I am a detailed person, but at the end of the day I am very results oriented: "Where are we going and what's the fastest, most accurate way to get there?" Like map-quest! However, there isn't a "faster" way to become adept at running. You just have to run. Strange as it may seem, i find it to be like forgiveness. Like forgiving, you just have to run over and over, more and more often for longer and longer until you have built up endurance. There are no short-cuts. I can't read a book that will make me a better runner. I can't rely on anyone else to push me along, I've just simply got to run. And if you can't dedicate yourself to that, if you can't commit to the boring day-in-day-out of it, then don't bother signing up, cause chances are you won't get there. Ironically, I've done lots of things that required large amounts of dedication/commitment with little room (if any) for shortcuts: music stuff, graduating, paying off loans, event planning, organizing..etc, and with the exception of forgiveness and learning to love well, the most difficult has been the running.
Boredom happens. Be ready to fight! This one is hard. Sometimes I have all the strength I need to keep going but I get bored anyway and try and persuade myself to stop. I have found that my mind is an incredible ally and enemy! I can talk myself out of, or into anything. So I've learned the trick is this: when running, don't think about running. The second I start thinking about how I am running, or long I've been going, or how far I have to go, or what else I could be doing with 2 full hours on a Saturday afternoon, I immediately get tired and start thinking about ways to justify quitting. Like couples that are constantly having DTR's, thinking about running while running is another way to destine yourself to an unhappy ending. Basically in running, just as in life: Boredom happens. Plan for it. Have a plan of attack ready! Are you going to quit college 3/4ths of the way through because you are bored? Are you going to put your dog to sleep because he wasn't what you expected? Are you going to divorce your wife of 10 years because it's all feeling just a bit too routine? Hopefully not!!! So are you going to quit running at 8 miles because you really want a cheeseburger and you just KNOW you could be having 10 times the fun just about anywhere else? No! Be dedicated! Commit! Boredom is not a justifiable excuse. You signed up for this, remember?!
Routine is a stumbling block we all face. This pretty much goes back to the boredom bit. Routine is rough. Once I've run a route once, or have run to a play list once, I find it 10 times harder to run the same route, or run to the same play list a second time. I get bored. The routine has lost its newness. I'm no longer intrigued. There is less to distract me from the now unavoidable fact that I am (gasp!) running! I imagine this resonates with everyone on some level. The past 2 years of my life have been a lesson in learning not to fear "the routine." It's been difficult. Staying in one place, not having the variety that I used to have, not throwing money at any and every opportunity in the name of distraction to avoid the pain of standing still... I'm told that this is a sign of maturity. One can only hope. It is true in children. Children who are further along in their development can sit still. They can listen longer. They don't wiggle as much or run around a room full of adults like overstimulated puppies. Perhaps it's true of adults as well? Regardless, I do think it's a sign of mature runners. There are major perks to running a route that you know, the most important one being that you can pace yourself better. You can avoid deathtraps like raised concrete. You can hide your water bottles. You can time the trains...etc. Routine: It's a stumbling block, not a cornerstone. (someone should put that on a shirt)
Shoes make all the difference. Do I really need to say more about this one? =)
Don't worry, I'm not out to become some hard-core endurance athlete, believe me! I think it's telling that the first person to run a full marathon died right after he finished. I will not be following in his footsteps. I have found this journey to be somewhat rewarding thus far. The last time I have felt this proud of myself was when the EP was finished, and that was a kind of challenge I am better at, much easier in comparison to this!
1 month remains.....
3.26.2008
3.16.2008
As You Enter Holy Week, Remember:
...I believe they mean "Celebrate Jesus, not Chocolate" but I could be wrong.
3.14.2008
Friday Night Highlights
One of the so-called "perks" in my line of work is the unlimited number of magazines. This isn't much of a perk, at least I didn't think it was... but that was before I discovered that many magazines have a recipe section. Oo la la.
I enjoy cooking. I'm not the most creative cook ever, but I can follow instructions pretty well, and I like to throw in my own twists here an there. Unfortunately, cooking for one is a drag (way too many leftovers), and I can be as lazy as the next person (with so many great restaurants in Nashville, who can blame me?), not to mention I hate the post-cooking clean-up. Needless to say, I haven't really done much cooking in a long while. However, I decided to spend the past month without eating out. That's right, I haven't gone out to eat, or visited a drive-thru since mid-February. Anyhow, this has given me time to cook now and then.
Which leads us to tonight. In a recent magazine there was a recipe that featured the George Forman grill. Now you know how I love my George Forman... and just this past year I upgraded to the bigger one. Score. So I copied down several recipes at work and when I returned home, after a run and a shower, I ventured off to the mecca. (aka: Whole Foods) On tonight's menu? Pesto Salmon patties with a Creamy Lemon-Pesto Sauce.
People, it was good. I even have plenty of the "batter" and sauce leftover, so you should come by and let me cook one up for you!
For you curious kids at home, here's what you need:
2 large eggs (I would wager that size doesn't matter in this case, but who knows)
1 can of salmon
1/3 cup potato flakes (or, if you are like me and spend an hour at the grocery store only to come home and realize that you forgot the potato flakes, do not curse and have a melt down, just pour a bunch of flour in the mixture until it looks a little less moist)
1/4 cup pesto
2 Tablespoons grated onion (or diced/chopped... worked for me)
1 Tablespoon chopped parsley (I just shook my canister until it looked about right)
1/4 teaspoon Salt
Mix it all together and form it into patties. Place on the heated Forman Grill. Grill for 5 minutes, and wahlah!
For the Sauce:
1/4 cup Mayonnaise
2 Tablespoons Sour Cream
2 Tablespoons Pesto
1 Teaspoon Lemon Juice
Mix it all together and either pour it on top of your cooked patties, or use it on the side as a dipping sauce. Yum!
So yes, that was my Friday night. Me and my salmon patties sat and listened to some Glenn Miller, and Tchaikovsky while following through on the usual email/online business.
Am I swinging 20 something or what?
(objects may not appear as appealing as they taste)
I enjoy cooking. I'm not the most creative cook ever, but I can follow instructions pretty well, and I like to throw in my own twists here an there. Unfortunately, cooking for one is a drag (way too many leftovers), and I can be as lazy as the next person (with so many great restaurants in Nashville, who can blame me?), not to mention I hate the post-cooking clean-up. Needless to say, I haven't really done much cooking in a long while. However, I decided to spend the past month without eating out. That's right, I haven't gone out to eat, or visited a drive-thru since mid-February. Anyhow, this has given me time to cook now and then.
Which leads us to tonight. In a recent magazine there was a recipe that featured the George Forman grill. Now you know how I love my George Forman... and just this past year I upgraded to the bigger one. Score. So I copied down several recipes at work and when I returned home, after a run and a shower, I ventured off to the mecca. (aka: Whole Foods) On tonight's menu? Pesto Salmon patties with a Creamy Lemon-Pesto Sauce.
People, it was good. I even have plenty of the "batter" and sauce leftover, so you should come by and let me cook one up for you!
For you curious kids at home, here's what you need:
2 large eggs (I would wager that size doesn't matter in this case, but who knows)
1 can of salmon
1/3 cup potato flakes (or, if you are like me and spend an hour at the grocery store only to come home and realize that you forgot the potato flakes, do not curse and have a melt down, just pour a bunch of flour in the mixture until it looks a little less moist)
1/4 cup pesto
2 Tablespoons grated onion (or diced/chopped... worked for me)
1 Tablespoon chopped parsley (I just shook my canister until it looked about right)
1/4 teaspoon Salt
Mix it all together and form it into patties. Place on the heated Forman Grill. Grill for 5 minutes, and wahlah!
For the Sauce:
1/4 cup Mayonnaise
2 Tablespoons Sour Cream
2 Tablespoons Pesto
1 Teaspoon Lemon Juice
Mix it all together and either pour it on top of your cooked patties, or use it on the side as a dipping sauce. Yum!
So yes, that was my Friday night. Me and my salmon patties sat and listened to some Glenn Miller, and Tchaikovsky while following through on the usual email/online business.
Am I swinging 20 something or what?
(objects may not appear as appealing as they taste)
3.12.2008
Terror Starts at Home?
I'm sure that by now many of you have heard the news about the controversial comments issued by Oklahoma Representative, Sally Kern. For those of you who were lucky enough to miss out, here's the gist: On March 8th, Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern spoke to a group of 50 citizens of Oklahoma at a gathering in her district. She thought only 50 people were listening and was therefore extremely candid about her views... turns out, someone taped her speech and leaked it to the press. Needless to say, more than 50 people are listening now. Below I've embedded the video along with my email to Representative Kern. If you wish to send a note as well, Ms. Kern can be reached at:
sallykern@okhouse.gov
If nothing else I hope this serves as a lesson that, regardless of your personal views of homosexuality, or any other view on any topic that differs from your own, the most important thing you can do for yourself and for others in the midst of conflict is 1. To love people well, and 2. To tell the truth.
Dear Representative Kern,
Like many, I recently heard your "private" remarks regarding homosexuality and our country's "safety and future." As a straight, educated, christian woman who was raised in your community by several of your supporters I have to tell you that I am extremely angered, hurt and disappointed by your statements.
It saddens me to see you using your realm of influence to present false information and unchristian behavior. It truly reflects very poorly on your faith and your community, therefore it reflects poorly on me. I realize these remarks were shared in a small gathering of our leaders, but this does not negate the severity and blatant inaccuracy of your words. For starters, Islam is not a threat to this nation: Islamic extremists are. It is estimated that almost 2 million Americans profess to be Muslim. That's roughly .5% of our population. While some of these individuals may be extremists, just as there are some extremist evangelical Christians out there, in no way is it beneficial to anyone to simply "throw the baby out with the bathwater" and declare the entire religion of Islam and it's followers "a threat." After all, many American Muslims would argue that American values are consistent with Islamic values, focusing on family, faith, work ethic, and social responsibility.
Secondly, you mention the fast downfall of civilizations that have embraced homosexuality. Forgive me, but, are you serious? I realize people tend to exaggerate statistics under pressure, but from a woman with a sociology degree, I would expect better. As I am sure you know, homosexuality has survived since Biblical times and countless civilizations have thrived well beyond "a few decades," modern-day Europe, for example. You mentioned that there are studies that support your remarks, in all honesty and seriousness, I would be interested in seeing them, could you let me know where I can find them?
In addition, you claim the indoctrination of our children, in our schools, as young as two. I assume you are referring to "Head Start" here since that's the only program that exists in public schools that takes young children. However Head Start was created to assist economically disadvantaged children and families and to improve early reading and math skills, and until recently they would not receive children under the age of two. As the Head Start government web page cites: "Head Start programs promote school readiness by enhancing the social and cognitive development of children through the provision of educational, health, nutritional, social and other services to enrolled children and families. They engage parents in their children's learning and help them in making progress toward their educational, literacy and employment goals. Significant emphasis is placed on the involvement of parents in the administration of local Head Start programs." If children's parents are helping to run Head Start programs, I am inclined to believe that this "indoctrination" is far more opinion and fear based, than fact.
Finally, my biggest concern: I am in absolute shock that you have yet to apologize for your hateful remarks, and make no mistake Ms. Kern, whether you choose to view them that way or not, they were hateful. Replace "homosexual" with "Jew" or "African American" and you would have all kinds of legal teams knocking down your door. As a Christian, shouldn't hearing how you have hurt someone be reason enough to apologize?
In a back-peddling attempt, you state that you were merely fulfilling your promise to your constituents to protect the role of marriage and the traditional family.. that may be, however, I have read your initial remarks several times over, and no where was "marriage" ever mentioned. However, false statements, and fear-inspired propaganda were in excess.
As Christians, it is our responsibility to love God and our neighbor. We are called to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. I listened. I read. I tried to find it, but nothing in your speech/debate/opinion was loving. Nothing. I embrace your right to have your own beliefs and opinions. I embrace your right to express yourself and your views... but as a public figure who is supposed to represent thousands of people, I also embrace my right to, at the very least, expect the facts; and as a christian, I expect to hear and see love. The fact is, homosexuals are not destroying our nation. Fear. Hate. Greed. Envy. Deception. These are the things that are destroying our nation, and these are things that we are all guilty of, regardless of sexual orientation.
I am praying for you Ms. Kern, I am praying that you will make it through this (undoubtedly) stressful time and that God will open your eyes and your heart (and the eyes and hearts of many others) through this matter. I pray that He will share His love of homosexuals, and all people, with you. You may not agree with their choices. You may believe they are destined to hell; but that does not excuse you from loving your neighbor, homosexual or otherwise; and to compare homosexuals to cancer and blame the destruction of our country on them, that's anything but love.
Immensely disappointed,
Danica Mercer
sallykern@okhouse.gov
If nothing else I hope this serves as a lesson that, regardless of your personal views of homosexuality, or any other view on any topic that differs from your own, the most important thing you can do for yourself and for others in the midst of conflict is 1. To love people well, and 2. To tell the truth.
Dear Representative Kern,
Like many, I recently heard your "private" remarks regarding homosexuality and our country's "safety and future." As a straight, educated, christian woman who was raised in your community by several of your supporters I have to tell you that I am extremely angered, hurt and disappointed by your statements.
It saddens me to see you using your realm of influence to present false information and unchristian behavior. It truly reflects very poorly on your faith and your community, therefore it reflects poorly on me. I realize these remarks were shared in a small gathering of our leaders, but this does not negate the severity and blatant inaccuracy of your words. For starters, Islam is not a threat to this nation: Islamic extremists are. It is estimated that almost 2 million Americans profess to be Muslim. That's roughly .5% of our population. While some of these individuals may be extremists, just as there are some extremist evangelical Christians out there, in no way is it beneficial to anyone to simply "throw the baby out with the bathwater" and declare the entire religion of Islam and it's followers "a threat." After all, many American Muslims would argue that American values are consistent with Islamic values, focusing on family, faith, work ethic, and social responsibility.
Secondly, you mention the fast downfall of civilizations that have embraced homosexuality. Forgive me, but, are you serious? I realize people tend to exaggerate statistics under pressure, but from a woman with a sociology degree, I would expect better. As I am sure you know, homosexuality has survived since Biblical times and countless civilizations have thrived well beyond "a few decades," modern-day Europe, for example. You mentioned that there are studies that support your remarks, in all honesty and seriousness, I would be interested in seeing them, could you let me know where I can find them?
In addition, you claim the indoctrination of our children, in our schools, as young as two. I assume you are referring to "Head Start" here since that's the only program that exists in public schools that takes young children. However Head Start was created to assist economically disadvantaged children and families and to improve early reading and math skills, and until recently they would not receive children under the age of two. As the Head Start government web page cites: "Head Start programs promote school readiness by enhancing the social and cognitive development of children through the provision of educational, health, nutritional, social and other services to enrolled children and families. They engage parents in their children's learning and help them in making progress toward their educational, literacy and employment goals. Significant emphasis is placed on the involvement of parents in the administration of local Head Start programs." If children's parents are helping to run Head Start programs, I am inclined to believe that this "indoctrination" is far more opinion and fear based, than fact.
Finally, my biggest concern: I am in absolute shock that you have yet to apologize for your hateful remarks, and make no mistake Ms. Kern, whether you choose to view them that way or not, they were hateful. Replace "homosexual" with "Jew" or "African American" and you would have all kinds of legal teams knocking down your door. As a Christian, shouldn't hearing how you have hurt someone be reason enough to apologize?
In a back-peddling attempt, you state that you were merely fulfilling your promise to your constituents to protect the role of marriage and the traditional family.. that may be, however, I have read your initial remarks several times over, and no where was "marriage" ever mentioned. However, false statements, and fear-inspired propaganda were in excess.
As Christians, it is our responsibility to love God and our neighbor. We are called to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. I listened. I read. I tried to find it, but nothing in your speech/debate/opinion was loving. Nothing. I embrace your right to have your own beliefs and opinions. I embrace your right to express yourself and your views... but as a public figure who is supposed to represent thousands of people, I also embrace my right to, at the very least, expect the facts; and as a christian, I expect to hear and see love. The fact is, homosexuals are not destroying our nation. Fear. Hate. Greed. Envy. Deception. These are the things that are destroying our nation, and these are things that we are all guilty of, regardless of sexual orientation.
I am praying for you Ms. Kern, I am praying that you will make it through this (undoubtedly) stressful time and that God will open your eyes and your heart (and the eyes and hearts of many others) through this matter. I pray that He will share His love of homosexuals, and all people, with you. You may not agree with their choices. You may believe they are destined to hell; but that does not excuse you from loving your neighbor, homosexual or otherwise; and to compare homosexuals to cancer and blame the destruction of our country on them, that's anything but love.
Immensely disappointed,
Danica Mercer
3.07.2008
Crazy Times
This week in highlights
-Audition
-A&R Meeting
-Music Video Shoot
-My music featured on random radio show
-Grandad began cancer treatments in California
-work work work
-My music licensed for JCTV's television show: "Inspired Ambition."
-10+ miles and counting
-I turned down my first A&R Development Deal.
Yet to come: CPR Certification, new recording endeavor, danicamercer.com, and who knows what else...
-Audition
-A&R Meeting
-Music Video Shoot
-My music featured on random radio show
-Grandad began cancer treatments in California
-work work work
-My music licensed for JCTV's television show: "Inspired Ambition."
-10+ miles and counting
-I turned down my first A&R Development Deal.
Yet to come: CPR Certification, new recording endeavor, danicamercer.com, and who knows what else...
3.01.2008
A Day In The Life
(*** welcome "Day in the Life" visitors. I hope you enjoy my project and decide to take part in your own! I really enjoyed it. Feel free to check out my music/be my friend over here: www.myspace.com/danicamercer)
Yesterday, being Leap Year was cause for a project. A few weeks ago as I was looking for an updated 26 Things list (one of my 101 tasks) I ran across this project.
The goal was to take 1 photo an hour to document your extra day. Below is a view into my "Leap Year 2008."
8ish am. Hello Kitty.
9ish am. Preperations.
10ish am. Lost.
11ish am. Waiting.
Noon. Another One Down.
1ish pm. Warm Legs.
2ish pm. Good News!
3ish pm. Practicing.
4ish pm. After the Rain. (pre-run)
5ish pm. Post Run Glow.
6ish pm. Hungry Kitty.
7ish pm. Dinner With Friends.
8ish pm. Happy (fed) Cat.
9ish pm. Settling In.
10ish pm. Resting Up For An Exciting Day.
11ish pm. Nightcap.
You can view other peoples' days here.
Yesterday, being Leap Year was cause for a project. A few weeks ago as I was looking for an updated 26 Things list (one of my 101 tasks) I ran across this project.
The goal was to take 1 photo an hour to document your extra day. Below is a view into my "Leap Year 2008."
8ish am. Hello Kitty.
9ish am. Preperations.
10ish am. Lost.
11ish am. Waiting.
Noon. Another One Down.
1ish pm. Warm Legs.
2ish pm. Good News!
3ish pm. Practicing.
4ish pm. After the Rain. (pre-run)
5ish pm. Post Run Glow.
6ish pm. Hungry Kitty.
7ish pm. Dinner With Friends.
8ish pm. Happy (fed) Cat.
9ish pm. Settling In.
10ish pm. Resting Up For An Exciting Day.
11ish pm. Nightcap.
You can view other peoples' days here.
2.19.2008
Help me in my unbelief...
"Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away."
......
Furious they assailed us,
But Your arm availed us.
And Your word broke their swords
When our own strength failed us.
And your word broke their sword,
When our own strength failed us...
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away."
......
Furious they assailed us,
But Your arm availed us.
And Your word broke their swords
When our own strength failed us.
And your word broke their sword,
When our own strength failed us...
2.14.2008
2.08.2008
Thanks!
Marion and Morgan gave me a Flickr upgrade! Woohoo!! Now I can store my pictures off of my already over-stuffed computer.
Thanks guys!
Thanks guys!
2.04.2008
Super Tuesday Eve
So, in case you live under a rock (or in a state that doesn't participate) and have yet to notice, tomorrow is Super Tuesday. The primaries. The prelims, if you will. I won't waste time telling you who I think you should vote for, as you are thouroughly capable of deciding that for yourselves. However, if you are curious we can argue about it sometime. Call me.
In the meantime, do some quick research and get out there and vote tomorrow!
THE PLAYERS
Democrats:
Barack Obama
Hilary Clinton
Mike Gravel
Republicans
John McCain
Mitt Romney
Ron Paul
Mike Huckabee
Alan Keyes
Another reason to celebrate Super Tuesday, is because it is my last Tuesday as a 23 year old. Yes, it's true. In fact, it's my last day as a 23 year old. Don't everyone get all excited at once now. It's also Fat Tuesday, though to be honest, my "Fat Tuesday" will probably last until Sunday with Gumbofest on Saturday, Birthday shindig on Friday, concert on Thursday, fancy dinner on Wednesday.. etc etc. Ah to be young.
That said, if you are in town you should come out and join the "festivities."
Truth be told, I boycotted the party train up until last week. After awhile birthday's just seem to run together, and pointing them out isn't all it used to be. But, I figure I'm only in my 20's once. May as well use my birth as a reason to bring people together to sing and eat cake. So. Friday night. Anytime after 8pm, 80's madness will wreck havoc at my place.
Yes. The 80's. Believe me, I wrestled with this. Ultimately I decided that it had to be, because honestly: that's the best part about getting older, it means the 80's, the tackiest and worst musical era in our history, is farther behind us... and that my friends, is reason to celebrate.
I contemplated the "maturity" in having a decade themed party complete with costumes, pop rocks and posters of Michael Jackson... but just this past Saturday, I kid you not, I went to nanny for a family I occassionally help out, and lo and behold there they were: (a couple in their 30's, mind you) dressed up, decked out and on their way out the door to an 80's party at a fancy restaraunt.
At least I keep the tackiness within the confines of my own home. Geez, they should grow up!
As for the actual "Day of Birth" I will be going to the zoo and then being an adult by getting dressed up and eating dinner at a fancy restaraunt where the entrees have big names and evern bigger price tags.
Should be an interesting week.
I'll leave you with the birthday wish list as well as one last reminder to go vote.
I want:
-World peace
-Inner peace
-5 minutes of peace
-To receive the last invoice I am owed
-LR Baggs Paracoustic DI
-An egg carton full of Cadbury Eggs (yes. I have a problem)
-A Flickr Pro Account
-A cheap sports watch with a timer (though I love running with my fake diamond one)
-Steve and Barry's gift cards
-Target funds
-To have my 1/2 marathon entry fee paid by someone other than me.
-Running shoes (did I mention that I ran for an hour the other day? No lie. I wasted an entire hour of my life running)
-Visors for my car
-A polaroid photo album
-The new Feist on vinyl
-Hot Yoga classes
-To see you friday night!
Don't forget to VOTE!
In the meantime, do some quick research and get out there and vote tomorrow!
THE PLAYERS
Democrats:
Barack Obama
Hilary Clinton
Mike Gravel
Republicans
John McCain
Mitt Romney
Ron Paul
Mike Huckabee
Alan Keyes
Another reason to celebrate Super Tuesday, is because it is my last Tuesday as a 23 year old. Yes, it's true. In fact, it's my last day as a 23 year old. Don't everyone get all excited at once now. It's also Fat Tuesday, though to be honest, my "Fat Tuesday" will probably last until Sunday with Gumbofest on Saturday, Birthday shindig on Friday, concert on Thursday, fancy dinner on Wednesday.. etc etc. Ah to be young.
That said, if you are in town you should come out and join the "festivities."
Truth be told, I boycotted the party train up until last week. After awhile birthday's just seem to run together, and pointing them out isn't all it used to be. But, I figure I'm only in my 20's once. May as well use my birth as a reason to bring people together to sing and eat cake. So. Friday night. Anytime after 8pm, 80's madness will wreck havoc at my place.
Yes. The 80's. Believe me, I wrestled with this. Ultimately I decided that it had to be, because honestly: that's the best part about getting older, it means the 80's, the tackiest and worst musical era in our history, is farther behind us... and that my friends, is reason to celebrate.
I contemplated the "maturity" in having a decade themed party complete with costumes, pop rocks and posters of Michael Jackson... but just this past Saturday, I kid you not, I went to nanny for a family I occassionally help out, and lo and behold there they were: (a couple in their 30's, mind you) dressed up, decked out and on their way out the door to an 80's party at a fancy restaraunt.
At least I keep the tackiness within the confines of my own home. Geez, they should grow up!
As for the actual "Day of Birth" I will be going to the zoo and then being an adult by getting dressed up and eating dinner at a fancy restaraunt where the entrees have big names and evern bigger price tags.
Should be an interesting week.
I'll leave you with the birthday wish list as well as one last reminder to go vote.
I want:
-World peace
-Inner peace
-5 minutes of peace
-To receive the last invoice I am owed
-LR Baggs Paracoustic DI
-An egg carton full of Cadbury Eggs (yes. I have a problem)
-A Flickr Pro Account
-A cheap sports watch with a timer (though I love running with my fake diamond one)
-Steve and Barry's gift cards
-Target funds
-To have my 1/2 marathon entry fee paid by someone other than me.
-Running shoes (did I mention that I ran for an hour the other day? No lie. I wasted an entire hour of my life running)
-Visors for my car
-A polaroid photo album
-The new Feist on vinyl
-Hot Yoga classes
-To see you friday night!
Don't forget to VOTE!
Gotta love those kids....
The scene: Morning. A church preschool playroom. Toys scattered about on the floor. Walls covered in brightly colored posters. A few tiny tables and chairs at which sit a young 4 year old boy and 2 female nursery workers. They are coloring. It is quiet.
4year old Boy: (jumping up suddenly) OWWW!
Nursery Worker: What?! What is it?!?!
4year old Boy: My penis is sticking up and it hurts!!!
Nursery Worker: (somehow holding it together) Umm, ok. Do you need to go to the bathroom?
4year old Boy: No. (starts swatting) I'm just going to swat it down!
Nursery Worker: (barely containing her laughter) Ummm. Ok then...
4year old Boy: (jumping up suddenly) OWWW!
Nursery Worker: What?! What is it?!?!
4year old Boy: My penis is sticking up and it hurts!!!
Nursery Worker: (somehow holding it together) Umm, ok. Do you need to go to the bathroom?
4year old Boy: No. (starts swatting) I'm just going to swat it down!
Nursery Worker: (barely containing her laughter) Ummm. Ok then...
2.03.2008
"You have no fear of the underdog, that's why you'll never survive."
The Giants have restored my faith in humanity (to a degree).
Never write-off your wild card....
Anything is possible.
Never write-off your wild card....
Anything is possible.
1.31.2008
We have to go back Kate. We have to go back...
It's roughly 1:45 am.
I am, obviously, awake.
I've acquired a fear of sleeping after several weeks of bad dreams. This is not to be confused with nightmares. No, these dreams are the sort that are plausible enough. The sort of dreams that leave you feeling empty, or altered even hours after awakening.
It isn't worth sleeping with dreams as they are.
I had the entire day off on Tuesday. On a whim I decided to go to the movies at noon. Me and a movie, noon on Tuesday. (Fyi: this is when the senior citizens go to the movies. I was the only person there under 45) I went to see "There Will Be Blood." It was uncomfortably satisfying. If you haven't seen it, you should. A sad, but true commentary on the different idols of our hearts. Plus it is based on a book by Upton Sinclair. Ding ding ding! Two random things that struck me about the film:
1. Daniel Day-Lewis looked just like a former boss of mine.
2. I don't know for sure, but I would bet money that whoever composed the score for LOST also worked on the score for this film. Go see it and let me know if you agree with me.
Speaking of LOST, it returns to us again tomorrow. I just finished rewatching the Season 3 finale so as to remind myself of what the heck is going on! It has all come back to me now (anyone else hearing that song in their head now?), so I am ready to go.
Hmm. Another season of Lost. This will only be the 2nd season I'll have watched on TV. Course, chances are I will end up seeing it all online after the fact instead, but who knows.
Now it is 2am and I am blabbing. Even the cats are asleep..hogging the bed while they are at it.
I've got a long run, some laundry, a song to finish and taxes to start on tomorrow, plus a big week ahead next week.
I guess I'll risk sleep.
Wish me luck!
I am, obviously, awake.
I've acquired a fear of sleeping after several weeks of bad dreams. This is not to be confused with nightmares. No, these dreams are the sort that are plausible enough. The sort of dreams that leave you feeling empty, or altered even hours after awakening.
It isn't worth sleeping with dreams as they are.
I had the entire day off on Tuesday. On a whim I decided to go to the movies at noon. Me and a movie, noon on Tuesday. (Fyi: this is when the senior citizens go to the movies. I was the only person there under 45) I went to see "There Will Be Blood." It was uncomfortably satisfying. If you haven't seen it, you should. A sad, but true commentary on the different idols of our hearts. Plus it is based on a book by Upton Sinclair. Ding ding ding! Two random things that struck me about the film:
1. Daniel Day-Lewis looked just like a former boss of mine.
2. I don't know for sure, but I would bet money that whoever composed the score for LOST also worked on the score for this film. Go see it and let me know if you agree with me.
Speaking of LOST, it returns to us again tomorrow. I just finished rewatching the Season 3 finale so as to remind myself of what the heck is going on! It has all come back to me now (anyone else hearing that song in their head now?), so I am ready to go.
Hmm. Another season of Lost. This will only be the 2nd season I'll have watched on TV. Course, chances are I will end up seeing it all online after the fact instead, but who knows.
Now it is 2am and I am blabbing. Even the cats are asleep..hogging the bed while they are at it.
I've got a long run, some laundry, a song to finish and taxes to start on tomorrow, plus a big week ahead next week.
I guess I'll risk sleep.
Wish me luck!
1.26.2008
Deep and Wide.
(and long! But insightful for me, maybe for you as well, props to those who can make it to the end!)
The following article, over the New England Patriots, was written by one of my favorite social commentators: Chuck Klosterman.
ALL TOO PERFECT
By: Chuck Klosterman
The following points, in particular, are the basis for this post:
"...that failure ultimately defines us."
I have to say, on some level I agree with Klosterman's view, especially when it comes to sports. The one football game that sticks out in my memory (aside from ones I've seen in person) is one from 2004. It was the Saints versus the Jaguars. It was the game that would determine which team would go on to the playoffs. The Saints weren't looking so good, they were down by 7 and the there were 6 seconds left. The Saints had the ball and managed to score a touchdown in what the NFL calls one of the "wackiest plays in NFL history" (involving 6 players and almost 30 yards). After the play, the clock was down to 0 but they lined up for the extra point that would tie the game and put them in over-time. Unfortunately for the Saints, kicker Carney (who was 403 for 408 on extra point kicks) hit a wide-right and missed.
I almost cried. I wanted to send the guy a letter I felt so awful for him. And I'm not even a Saints fan! Of all the football games I've watched (and there have been many) this is the one that remains embedded in my mind.
My point is that Klosterman is right, we remember the failures and the losses in sports far more than we remember the wins. The wins all run together, but the big losses... that's typically what people talk about in years to come.
The scary thing is, I don't believe that this just applies to sports, I think it generally applies to life as well. In fact, speaking from personal experience I can (sadly) vouch for the fact that people don't usually talk about you behind your back when good things are happening in your life. But if something unexpected, unfortunate or shockingly awful happens, they will talk about it a lot. They will flock to your blog in mass droves in hopes of details yet never actually talk to you in person. They will corner your friends and family and roommates, they will passively send you literature months down the road. They'll spread theories around long after the incident itself has occurred. It's sad, but no one makes that kind of a fuss over someone who graduates high school, or has a baby or gets married. But if they drop out , or have a miscarriage, or get divorced... then it's a whole other story.
How tragic! Who wants to be known as "the divorcee," or "the couple that lost their baby?" No one! Why do we, as a society remember the bad?
I believe this is one of the reasons I have been freaked out about my upcoming birthday.
I'm about to be 24. Geez I can't even type it without cringing. For whatever reason I feel as though 24 is the age that I should have "arrived." I feel that I should have accomplished so much more, or that I should be in a completely different place from where I am now.
"Should have," "should be"..sheesh! There is nothing worse that knowing a truth and feeling a lie, and honestly that's where I seem to be caught most of the time. In regards to turning 24 it's this feeling of "I'm almost 24 and what do I have to show for it?" In my more rational moments I realize that this is simply ridiculous. I'm assuming that most of this stupidity stems from the fact that most everyone I grew up with is having children, starting careers, obtaining PhD's purchasing houses.. etc. But the sick thing is: I don't want their careers, their kids, their PhD's or their houses.
So what is my problem?
The truth is: I'm almost 24 and I've done all kinds of things most people never have the chance to do. By 21 I had explored 3 continents, visited 13 countries, spoke at my first press conference and was selected as a delegate to the G8 Summit. By 21! Dear lord, how can I possibly feel like a failure? I've seen 35 of the 50 states in this country not to mention the Dalai Lama, Bill Clinton and Bono (and all for free)! I've had champagne with Richard Branson, I've partied with Natalie Imbruglia, I've been named "The Heart of Belmont" (haha). In the past year I quit my day job and put out my own EP. I toured Austin. And to date I've made roughly $2,500 off cd sales, gigs, and session work since July (not box office figures, but definitely not categorical of "failure" either).
The cold hard truth is: None of this matters. It's all Leah (see city church link) and the fact that I am searching for some sort of experience or event to make me feel like less of a failure only proves that I am still chasing her, because really, if any thing or experience could make those feelings go away, then surely one of the many awesome things I have experienced would have.
Changing gears slightly, but ultimately sticking to my point...
As many of you know, there was an awesome sermon a few weeks back at City Church. Unfortunately I missed it since I was in route to Nashville at the time (see this post if you need more details) However, I've had several conversations with different people about it since I've been back and I've finally been able to download it (the site wouldn't work on my computer for a while) here.
I mention this mainly because I think you should hear it if you haven't already (plus I mentioned Leah out of context). But speaking of City Church... I went this past week, somewhat against my will. In fact, if I hadn't been asked to sing and if they hadn't tried getting a hold of me 4 times I probably would have stayed home. Church has been one of those things over the past year or so that has yet to cease feeling lonely for me. It's difficult to convey precisely what I mean. I'll generally hang out with people, stick around, talk, go out afterward, etc etc...but for some reason, I feel a kind of empty ache arriving and leaving church. Anyhow, all that to say: I wasn't really in the mood, but having learned that those are usually the most important times to drag your butt to church, I decided to go.
And I'm glad I did.
The sermon was over Genesis 32, specifically, the passage where Jacob wrestles with God. Now I've heard several sermons/devotionals over this passage before, but the section that Craig (City Church's pastor) highlighted was the part in which God asks Jacob his name, and Jacob responds with "Jacob." On the surface this may not seem like much, until you remember that Jacob means "deceiver" and that's exactly what Jacob had been. He was the one who stole his brothers birthright. Jacob was finally able to see himself for what he really was. The enormity of having to tell God your name, "Deceiver" ... wow. But even better is the fact that God gave Him a new name. Now most sermons I've heard over this passage have focused on the "new name" aspect... but something about Craig discussing the idea of "having a new name" really hit home with me...
And here's where all the pieces will begin to fall together... still with me? This is the good stuff...
In thinking about Klosterman's article on how failure is memorable, and how we as a society label each other and then comparing it to this passage in Genesis where Jacob admits who he is and is given a new name; I had an epiphany:
I hate my names.
I hate them. I hate that so many people know them. I hate that I can't erase them. I hate that I believe some of the ones that I shouldn't. I hate that I may very well be remembered as "the girl who was left," or "the girl who almost ______" or "the girl who had so much potential yet never really did anything with it." I hate that there will be people who judge me before they even know me, and that I may never be remembered for the person I am, but rather, for the person I wasn't. I hate that I may be remembered for the mistakes I made, for the bad choices, or the poor songs, or lack of productivity..etc.
And then it hit me...
My name won't always be "Unwanted." My name won't always be "Disposable." My name won't always be "reject." My name won't always be "failure." My name won't always be "insecure," "control-freak," "perfectionist," "lazy," "manipulator," "neurotic," "liar" etc etc. Someday, in heaven, Jesus is going to give me a new name and I won't have to be any of those things anymore. Ever. Those things that may be true of me until the day I die, the various names that men have given me, the various names I have given myself, won't be true of me forever.
I realize how cheesy this must sound. I'd also be lying if I said this was the first time I had ever come to this epiphany about this passage, I mean, most church going children have heard that God will give them a new name... but hearing it this week, in this light, has really stuck with me in a whole new way.
It has made me long for that future day so much more. Just reminding myself that that day exists helps me to keep trudging along until it arrives.
I suppose it comes down to the fact that we have to keep telling ourselves the truth no matter how old it gets, or how cheesy it may seem. Because believe me, life is working overtime to make you forget.
“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.” -Soren Kirkegaard
The following article, over the New England Patriots, was written by one of my favorite social commentators: Chuck Klosterman.
ALL TOO PERFECT
By: Chuck Klosterman
The following points, in particular, are the basis for this post:
"The memory of perfection is inevitably tied to the memory of lost perfection... Wins tend to run together, negating their own influence. Conversely, losses demarcate time. The Patriots are the best team. It would be a shame if they did not win. Yet we would care so much more if they lost.
Future historians will describe this New England team as if it were a machine. Everyone will concede the Pats' superlative greatness, but the 19 wins will be just a collection of numbers. But if they lose -- especially if they lose late -- the New England Patriots will be the most memorable collection of individuals in the history of pro football. They will prove that nothing in this world is guaranteed, that past returns do not guarantee future results, that failure is what ultimately defines us..."
"...that failure ultimately defines us."
I have to say, on some level I agree with Klosterman's view, especially when it comes to sports. The one football game that sticks out in my memory (aside from ones I've seen in person) is one from 2004. It was the Saints versus the Jaguars. It was the game that would determine which team would go on to the playoffs. The Saints weren't looking so good, they were down by 7 and the there were 6 seconds left. The Saints had the ball and managed to score a touchdown in what the NFL calls one of the "wackiest plays in NFL history" (involving 6 players and almost 30 yards). After the play, the clock was down to 0 but they lined up for the extra point that would tie the game and put them in over-time. Unfortunately for the Saints, kicker Carney (who was 403 for 408 on extra point kicks) hit a wide-right and missed.
I almost cried. I wanted to send the guy a letter I felt so awful for him. And I'm not even a Saints fan! Of all the football games I've watched (and there have been many) this is the one that remains embedded in my mind.
My point is that Klosterman is right, we remember the failures and the losses in sports far more than we remember the wins. The wins all run together, but the big losses... that's typically what people talk about in years to come.
The scary thing is, I don't believe that this just applies to sports, I think it generally applies to life as well. In fact, speaking from personal experience I can (sadly) vouch for the fact that people don't usually talk about you behind your back when good things are happening in your life. But if something unexpected, unfortunate or shockingly awful happens, they will talk about it a lot. They will flock to your blog in mass droves in hopes of details yet never actually talk to you in person. They will corner your friends and family and roommates, they will passively send you literature months down the road. They'll spread theories around long after the incident itself has occurred. It's sad, but no one makes that kind of a fuss over someone who graduates high school, or has a baby or gets married. But if they drop out , or have a miscarriage, or get divorced... then it's a whole other story.
How tragic! Who wants to be known as "the divorcee," or "the couple that lost their baby?" No one! Why do we, as a society remember the bad?
I believe this is one of the reasons I have been freaked out about my upcoming birthday.
I'm about to be 24. Geez I can't even type it without cringing. For whatever reason I feel as though 24 is the age that I should have "arrived." I feel that I should have accomplished so much more, or that I should be in a completely different place from where I am now.
"Should have," "should be"..sheesh! There is nothing worse that knowing a truth and feeling a lie, and honestly that's where I seem to be caught most of the time. In regards to turning 24 it's this feeling of "I'm almost 24 and what do I have to show for it?" In my more rational moments I realize that this is simply ridiculous. I'm assuming that most of this stupidity stems from the fact that most everyone I grew up with is having children, starting careers, obtaining PhD's purchasing houses.. etc. But the sick thing is: I don't want their careers, their kids, their PhD's or their houses.
So what is my problem?
The truth is: I'm almost 24 and I've done all kinds of things most people never have the chance to do. By 21 I had explored 3 continents, visited 13 countries, spoke at my first press conference and was selected as a delegate to the G8 Summit. By 21! Dear lord, how can I possibly feel like a failure? I've seen 35 of the 50 states in this country not to mention the Dalai Lama, Bill Clinton and Bono (and all for free)! I've had champagne with Richard Branson, I've partied with Natalie Imbruglia, I've been named "The Heart of Belmont" (haha). In the past year I quit my day job and put out my own EP. I toured Austin. And to date I've made roughly $2,500 off cd sales, gigs, and session work since July (not box office figures, but definitely not categorical of "failure" either).
The cold hard truth is: None of this matters. It's all Leah (see city church link) and the fact that I am searching for some sort of experience or event to make me feel like less of a failure only proves that I am still chasing her, because really, if any thing or experience could make those feelings go away, then surely one of the many awesome things I have experienced would have.
Changing gears slightly, but ultimately sticking to my point...
As many of you know, there was an awesome sermon a few weeks back at City Church. Unfortunately I missed it since I was in route to Nashville at the time (see this post if you need more details) However, I've had several conversations with different people about it since I've been back and I've finally been able to download it (the site wouldn't work on my computer for a while) here.
I mention this mainly because I think you should hear it if you haven't already (plus I mentioned Leah out of context). But speaking of City Church... I went this past week, somewhat against my will. In fact, if I hadn't been asked to sing and if they hadn't tried getting a hold of me 4 times I probably would have stayed home. Church has been one of those things over the past year or so that has yet to cease feeling lonely for me. It's difficult to convey precisely what I mean. I'll generally hang out with people, stick around, talk, go out afterward, etc etc...but for some reason, I feel a kind of empty ache arriving and leaving church. Anyhow, all that to say: I wasn't really in the mood, but having learned that those are usually the most important times to drag your butt to church, I decided to go.
And I'm glad I did.
The sermon was over Genesis 32, specifically, the passage where Jacob wrestles with God. Now I've heard several sermons/devotionals over this passage before, but the section that Craig (City Church's pastor) highlighted was the part in which God asks Jacob his name, and Jacob responds with "Jacob." On the surface this may not seem like much, until you remember that Jacob means "deceiver" and that's exactly what Jacob had been. He was the one who stole his brothers birthright. Jacob was finally able to see himself for what he really was. The enormity of having to tell God your name, "Deceiver" ... wow. But even better is the fact that God gave Him a new name. Now most sermons I've heard over this passage have focused on the "new name" aspect... but something about Craig discussing the idea of "having a new name" really hit home with me...
And here's where all the pieces will begin to fall together... still with me? This is the good stuff...
In thinking about Klosterman's article on how failure is memorable, and how we as a society label each other and then comparing it to this passage in Genesis where Jacob admits who he is and is given a new name; I had an epiphany:
I hate my names.
I hate them. I hate that so many people know them. I hate that I can't erase them. I hate that I believe some of the ones that I shouldn't. I hate that I may very well be remembered as "the girl who was left," or "the girl who almost ______" or "the girl who had so much potential yet never really did anything with it." I hate that there will be people who judge me before they even know me, and that I may never be remembered for the person I am, but rather, for the person I wasn't. I hate that I may be remembered for the mistakes I made, for the bad choices, or the poor songs, or lack of productivity..etc.
And then it hit me...
My name won't always be "Unwanted." My name won't always be "Disposable." My name won't always be "reject." My name won't always be "failure." My name won't always be "insecure," "control-freak," "perfectionist," "lazy," "manipulator," "neurotic," "liar" etc etc. Someday, in heaven, Jesus is going to give me a new name and I won't have to be any of those things anymore. Ever. Those things that may be true of me until the day I die, the various names that men have given me, the various names I have given myself, won't be true of me forever.
I realize how cheesy this must sound. I'd also be lying if I said this was the first time I had ever come to this epiphany about this passage, I mean, most church going children have heard that God will give them a new name... but hearing it this week, in this light, has really stuck with me in a whole new way.
It has made me long for that future day so much more. Just reminding myself that that day exists helps me to keep trudging along until it arrives.
I suppose it comes down to the fact that we have to keep telling ourselves the truth no matter how old it gets, or how cheesy it may seem. Because believe me, life is working overtime to make you forget.
“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.” -Soren Kirkegaard
1.22.2008
Gender Wars anyone?
I happened upon a little conversation the other day and thought it might spark some good conversation for some of you. (you know who you are)
Let the mudslinging begin***
***Note "mud" not stones, thanks! ;)
GENDER WARS ANYONE?
BOY: Oh please. I worked myself into a tizzy a couple days ago.
GIRL: do tell
BOY: I started thinking about how much women bitch about how hard it is to be a woman. I hear all the usual things. The double standards. The hardships. Childbirthing. I always just took it for granted. Yeah sure, I guess your life does suck. I'm glad I'm a man. Then I started to unravel the truth.
GIRL: Oh I can't wait for this
BOY: At the heart of every "double standard" is in fact, an inverse double standard.We'll start with the sexual double standard. Because I hear it the most. Here's how it goes, "Oh, it's so unfair, if a woman sleeps with a lot of guys, she's called a whore (negative social conentation, but if a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a pimp (positive conentation....sort of) Then I realized why this was. Because of the double standard from which it derives- sex from a woman is considered a prized gift (she gave it up) while sex from a man is considered worthless, something that defiles the person who receives- (took her cherry, deflowered) As a man who prides himself in satisfying his partner, this seems incredibly unfair. I gave you an orgasm. That was nothing- it was dirty, disdainful. You gave me an orgasm, that was a treasured gift I should apreciate and prize forever.
GIRL: well, that's not entirely true
BOY: So it makes sense that the logic carries through- a whore is a woman that has been dirtied many times. A pimp is a man who has recieved many gifts.
GIRL: First of all...sex from a man is not considered worthless, though I suppose that may differ depending on who you ask
BOY: But that is the root of the stereotype, and of the double standard in society.
GIRL: but if it is considered worthless it's because of this general idea that men care less about sex than women do.. and I mean "care" in the sense that, generally to women it holds more emotional value than it does for men... the whole "women play at sex for love, men play at love for sex, sort of thing"..that's what's at the root of the stereotype I think
BOY:I'd stop and argue, but I have so many more. Let's move on to financial: "Women make less money than men." How many times have I heard that one? Aside from the fact that it's been shown that when men get married they tend to put in more time at the office to make more money for their family, while when women get married they tend to spend more time at home,
GIRL: Well, maybe when men start nursing that statistic will change
BOY: Let's look at the fact that during this push for financial equality, men are still expected to be the providers
GIRL: An expectation that stems just as much from male pride as anything else. In fact, more so, I would argue. Men shouldn't feel threatened or feel like less of a "provider" just because a woman makes more, or as much as they do. The sad truth is, "providing" means a hell of a lot more than just "bringing in the majority of the income." So many men are hung up on this because they feel that the money they bring in is an indication of their manhood or worth... and not all women think about it in those terms. Personally I think it makes you more of a man if you can humble yourself enough to admit that your worth doesn't come from your bank account or your success or whatever.
BOY: You can't expect the same pay as a man, and still expect men to pay your bar tab, all your meals, your car, your clothes and the house you live in.
GIRL: Not all women do.. in fact, most every woman I've met doesn't..but that's beside the point. Are you trying to say that women shouldn't expect the same amount of money for a job because they are being "provided for" already? That's ridiculous. Women can and should expect the same pay as men when they accomplish the task with the same degree of accuracy, regardless of whether they are married, single, breadwinner or otherwise.
BOY: And when a divorce happens, as they more often than not do, the woman leaves with half, whether or not she worked a damn day in her life.... and automatic custody of the children.
GIRL: Wrong again, custody does not always go to the woman AND the woman doesn't always get half. Generally they do split assests, but that has more to do with our definitions of marriage than it does with gender and "work"
BOY: Unless the woman is a confirmed drug addict or a prostitute, she will get custody of the children.
GIRL: Courts look at marriage as an equal partnership, that's why things get divided up as they do, and you know most couples get joint custody anyway.
BOY: If by joint you mean weekends and summers.
GIRL: You make that sound like it's in the woman's favor. But it's all in how you look at it. Think about it, the mom gets the kids during the week while she works and they are at school, and the dad gets the kids at home on the weekends?
BOY: Once again, I would argue...but I have so much more. Let's talk about reproductive rights. This is a whine-getter every time.
Women have government-aided access to abortion...men have no such recourse. Let us suppose a man and woman engage in the exact same activity, we'll call this activity "sex." The woman becomes pregnant and wants to keep the child. The man does not. The baby is kept regardless and the man pays child-support for 18+ years. In the secondary scenario, the woman does not want to keep the baby, and the man does. The child is immediatly terminated.
GIRL: well, in either case there is a large amount of risk to the health of the mother, which is probably why the courts generally side in the womans favor.. because it is her body... even if it is their child
BOY: Yeah? Well this would be fair- both parents have equal right to an abortion. The woman can decide for the first nine-months, the man can decide for the second nine.
GIRL: I don't think our court system would go for that.
BOY: But it would be fair.
GIRL: Again, not the woman's fault. Blame simple anatomy. If men could have babies it would be a whole different set of rules on this one, I assure you. But people weren't made that way. And hello, Newsflash: life isn't fair. At least women figured that out about a century ago. You got to vote first remember? And to this day, whether you agree with it or not, men typically get paid more for the same job, not to mention they often hold more executive seats in companies, that's not really fair either.
BOY: While women weren't voting they were being taken care of like children. And now they want equal rights and half of them still want to be taken care of like children.
GIRL: You did not just say that! Have you read any history books about women in the 1800-1900's?
BOY: yes. babies. all of them. whiny little babies.
GIRL: Hmm and the men?
BOY: Slaves
GIRL: Selfish playboys as usual?
BOY: Yeah right. More like slaves. Feeding the queen ant at home.
GIRL: are you on drugs?
BOY: bringing home veritable "bits of leaves"
GIRL: Well it's good to see that you haven't taken a misogynist view on things.You do know that women were considered property. Most didn't even live through childbirth, some still don't. Back in the day women weren't allowed to work outside the home, and while the thomas Jefferson's of the world were out sleeping around, the women were back on the ranch making him dinner..
And those who wen against the standards of the time were often sent to Hester Prynn's fate.
BOY: so maybe the last few comments were intentionally inflamitory. Point being, I'm scared of women and their predatory nature...slash parasitic nature.
GIRL: Well, I'm scared of men, their cold nature and their selfish exploits.
BOY: And you should be. I hate us. I hate us all.
GIRL: Not to mention their pride. Geez if women could go a day without having to take a man's ego into consideration
BOY: Or men without taking women's sensitivities: "This is what I mean, but oh no, can't say it, not like that. Must encode it first."
GIRL: bad! This is where men get in trouble. Instead of just saying what you mean, you try and sugar coat it/beat around the bush/avoid it/be cruel and hateful so she'll hate you and you'll feel better. And be honest: you don't "encode" things for our benefit... you do it because you are scared, or because it is easier, less trouble.
BOY: Maybe if women weren't incessantly crying all the time. You can't have a "man-to-man" with woman. It's impossible. I've tried it. I'm not even talking about the hard things to say. I'm talking about everyday. It's women who encode things. All of a sudden I'm in the twillight zone. Yes means no, no means yes. Depending on the emphasis and the back-story, sure, I can muddle around well enough at first. Understand. Look through the hidden meanings. But then I get tired of constantly analyzing....and I realize....I can't live like this.
GIRL: So if everyone is encoding, who is decoding? Ever stop to think that maybe you are over-analyzing?
BOY: At first I do. It's a natural over-compensation. But then I slip back into simple, straightforward man-talk, and I realize I'm under analyzing.
GIRL: Me thinks you think too much
BOY: What if it is you that are different? Or I? What if most women really are that way, and you are just superior to them?
GIRL: Ummm, I don't think that's the case. Men and I still can't seem to get along. I am the common denominator of several men now. That pretty much tells us where the problem lies, and while half of the men might say that's not the case, I have to assume they are "encoding" the truth for me to avoid drama, because by your own admission, "you can't be straight with a woman." Anyhow, all that to say, I refuse to be one of those women who is always bitching about this man or that man or whoever when really, at the end of the day it's her. So with that in mind, I am probably not "superior" to the rest of the women in the world....
BOY: Don't be ridiculous. who the hell hasn't had several bad relationships?
GIRL: oh no no.. we aren't talking about "bad relationships" we are talking disasters.
BOY: I would have had more, but I quit after one.
GIRL: Well, I've more than reached my stopping point. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... fool me 3 times? 4 times? Geez is she a moron? Nay. I am an intelligent woman (and men seem more than determined to remind me of this). I'm smart enough to know by now that I am not cut out for the relationship thing. I don't need to keep relearning this, and I'm ok with it. I'd rather have learned it now than at 36 with 2 kids or something.
BOY: What a bunch of hogwash. "not the relationship type." No one is the relationship type, and if they are, they are co-dependent, and the last thing they need is a relationship. If Winston Churchill could find his type, there is a "type" for anyone...that is so archetypical. You'll probably be married in two years. hahaha. I predict it. I don't even have to tell you not to fight it, because you won't be able to.
GIRL: You underestimate me
BOY: I don't think I do
GIRL: mmm male arrogance
BOY: my confidence.
GIRL: Mhmm. Of course, according to you, I, being the soul-draining, life-sucking, dream-crushing female, should jump at the chance to be a married co-dependent leech, so I can see how my stance on this must be hard to fathom for you.
BOY: I wouldn't want to be a co-dependent leech. Neither would anyone else who thinks he or she could accomplish more on his or her own. Apparently, most women don't fall into that catagory. Female insecurity
GIRL: Or maybe women are generally more optimistic that together they can accompish more.
BOY: That's the view I would like to someday hold. One of the things I've given a lot of thought to is that if I do find an independent woman who is making a go of it alone, then one or both of us would have to disengage our dream to accomodate the other, thus destroying what I found attractive in her to begin with, or visa-versa.
GIRL: Not always true. There are sacrifices for sure. But sometimes peoples dreams fit together...or better yet complement each other
BOY: It would appear to be a catch-22. It seems like it would be a hard thing to orchestrate
GIRL: I don't know that it can be "orchestrated" per se...
BOY: oh, once you got married some orchestrating would have to start.
GIRL: Well..yeah planning and compromise sure. But that's true of everything, especially love. Real love anyway, whatever that is. Bottom line is: is it worth it to you? Is she worth it to you? And sadly, for better or for worse, most gals would say it is and they are; and most guys would say it isn't, and they aren't. Does that mean one is any more or less driven or insecure than the other? I dunno. Fair question I suppose. In the meantime, I'll keep my eyes peeled for a decoder pen for you.
Let the mudslinging begin***
***Note "mud" not stones, thanks! ;)
GENDER WARS ANYONE?
BOY: Oh please. I worked myself into a tizzy a couple days ago.
GIRL: do tell
BOY: I started thinking about how much women bitch about how hard it is to be a woman. I hear all the usual things. The double standards. The hardships. Childbirthing. I always just took it for granted. Yeah sure, I guess your life does suck. I'm glad I'm a man. Then I started to unravel the truth.
GIRL: Oh I can't wait for this
BOY: At the heart of every "double standard" is in fact, an inverse double standard.We'll start with the sexual double standard. Because I hear it the most. Here's how it goes, "Oh, it's so unfair, if a woman sleeps with a lot of guys, she's called a whore (negative social conentation, but if a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a pimp (positive conentation....sort of) Then I realized why this was. Because of the double standard from which it derives- sex from a woman is considered a prized gift (she gave it up) while sex from a man is considered worthless, something that defiles the person who receives- (took her cherry, deflowered) As a man who prides himself in satisfying his partner, this seems incredibly unfair. I gave you an orgasm. That was nothing- it was dirty, disdainful. You gave me an orgasm, that was a treasured gift I should apreciate and prize forever.
GIRL: well, that's not entirely true
BOY: So it makes sense that the logic carries through- a whore is a woman that has been dirtied many times. A pimp is a man who has recieved many gifts.
GIRL: First of all...sex from a man is not considered worthless, though I suppose that may differ depending on who you ask
BOY: But that is the root of the stereotype, and of the double standard in society.
GIRL: but if it is considered worthless it's because of this general idea that men care less about sex than women do.. and I mean "care" in the sense that, generally to women it holds more emotional value than it does for men... the whole "women play at sex for love, men play at love for sex, sort of thing"..that's what's at the root of the stereotype I think
BOY:I'd stop and argue, but I have so many more. Let's move on to financial: "Women make less money than men." How many times have I heard that one? Aside from the fact that it's been shown that when men get married they tend to put in more time at the office to make more money for their family, while when women get married they tend to spend more time at home,
GIRL: Well, maybe when men start nursing that statistic will change
BOY: Let's look at the fact that during this push for financial equality, men are still expected to be the providers
GIRL: An expectation that stems just as much from male pride as anything else. In fact, more so, I would argue. Men shouldn't feel threatened or feel like less of a "provider" just because a woman makes more, or as much as they do. The sad truth is, "providing" means a hell of a lot more than just "bringing in the majority of the income." So many men are hung up on this because they feel that the money they bring in is an indication of their manhood or worth... and not all women think about it in those terms. Personally I think it makes you more of a man if you can humble yourself enough to admit that your worth doesn't come from your bank account or your success or whatever.
BOY: You can't expect the same pay as a man, and still expect men to pay your bar tab, all your meals, your car, your clothes and the house you live in.
GIRL: Not all women do.. in fact, most every woman I've met doesn't..but that's beside the point. Are you trying to say that women shouldn't expect the same amount of money for a job because they are being "provided for" already? That's ridiculous. Women can and should expect the same pay as men when they accomplish the task with the same degree of accuracy, regardless of whether they are married, single, breadwinner or otherwise.
BOY: And when a divorce happens, as they more often than not do, the woman leaves with half, whether or not she worked a damn day in her life.... and automatic custody of the children.
GIRL: Wrong again, custody does not always go to the woman AND the woman doesn't always get half. Generally they do split assests, but that has more to do with our definitions of marriage than it does with gender and "work"
BOY: Unless the woman is a confirmed drug addict or a prostitute, she will get custody of the children.
GIRL: Courts look at marriage as an equal partnership, that's why things get divided up as they do, and you know most couples get joint custody anyway.
BOY: If by joint you mean weekends and summers.
GIRL: You make that sound like it's in the woman's favor. But it's all in how you look at it. Think about it, the mom gets the kids during the week while she works and they are at school, and the dad gets the kids at home on the weekends?
BOY: Once again, I would argue...but I have so much more. Let's talk about reproductive rights. This is a whine-getter every time.
Women have government-aided access to abortion...men have no such recourse. Let us suppose a man and woman engage in the exact same activity, we'll call this activity "sex." The woman becomes pregnant and wants to keep the child. The man does not. The baby is kept regardless and the man pays child-support for 18+ years. In the secondary scenario, the woman does not want to keep the baby, and the man does. The child is immediatly terminated.
GIRL: well, in either case there is a large amount of risk to the health of the mother, which is probably why the courts generally side in the womans favor.. because it is her body... even if it is their child
BOY: Yeah? Well this would be fair- both parents have equal right to an abortion. The woman can decide for the first nine-months, the man can decide for the second nine.
GIRL: I don't think our court system would go for that.
BOY: But it would be fair.
GIRL: Again, not the woman's fault. Blame simple anatomy. If men could have babies it would be a whole different set of rules on this one, I assure you. But people weren't made that way. And hello, Newsflash: life isn't fair. At least women figured that out about a century ago. You got to vote first remember? And to this day, whether you agree with it or not, men typically get paid more for the same job, not to mention they often hold more executive seats in companies, that's not really fair either.
BOY: While women weren't voting they were being taken care of like children. And now they want equal rights and half of them still want to be taken care of like children.
GIRL: You did not just say that! Have you read any history books about women in the 1800-1900's?
BOY: yes. babies. all of them. whiny little babies.
GIRL: Hmm and the men?
BOY: Slaves
GIRL: Selfish playboys as usual?
BOY: Yeah right. More like slaves. Feeding the queen ant at home.
GIRL: are you on drugs?
BOY: bringing home veritable "bits of leaves"
GIRL: Well it's good to see that you haven't taken a misogynist view on things.You do know that women were considered property. Most didn't even live through childbirth, some still don't. Back in the day women weren't allowed to work outside the home, and while the thomas Jefferson's of the world were out sleeping around, the women were back on the ranch making him dinner..
And those who wen against the standards of the time were often sent to Hester Prynn's fate.
BOY: so maybe the last few comments were intentionally inflamitory. Point being, I'm scared of women and their predatory nature...slash parasitic nature.
GIRL: Well, I'm scared of men, their cold nature and their selfish exploits.
BOY: And you should be. I hate us. I hate us all.
GIRL: Not to mention their pride. Geez if women could go a day without having to take a man's ego into consideration
BOY: Or men without taking women's sensitivities: "This is what I mean, but oh no, can't say it, not like that. Must encode it first."
GIRL: bad! This is where men get in trouble. Instead of just saying what you mean, you try and sugar coat it/beat around the bush/avoid it/be cruel and hateful so she'll hate you and you'll feel better. And be honest: you don't "encode" things for our benefit... you do it because you are scared, or because it is easier, less trouble.
BOY: Maybe if women weren't incessantly crying all the time. You can't have a "man-to-man" with woman. It's impossible. I've tried it. I'm not even talking about the hard things to say. I'm talking about everyday. It's women who encode things. All of a sudden I'm in the twillight zone. Yes means no, no means yes. Depending on the emphasis and the back-story, sure, I can muddle around well enough at first. Understand. Look through the hidden meanings. But then I get tired of constantly analyzing....and I realize....I can't live like this.
GIRL: So if everyone is encoding, who is decoding? Ever stop to think that maybe you are over-analyzing?
BOY: At first I do. It's a natural over-compensation. But then I slip back into simple, straightforward man-talk, and I realize I'm under analyzing.
GIRL: Me thinks you think too much
BOY: What if it is you that are different? Or I? What if most women really are that way, and you are just superior to them?
GIRL: Ummm, I don't think that's the case. Men and I still can't seem to get along. I am the common denominator of several men now. That pretty much tells us where the problem lies, and while half of the men might say that's not the case, I have to assume they are "encoding" the truth for me to avoid drama, because by your own admission, "you can't be straight with a woman." Anyhow, all that to say, I refuse to be one of those women who is always bitching about this man or that man or whoever when really, at the end of the day it's her. So with that in mind, I am probably not "superior" to the rest of the women in the world....
BOY: Don't be ridiculous. who the hell hasn't had several bad relationships?
GIRL: oh no no.. we aren't talking about "bad relationships" we are talking disasters.
BOY: I would have had more, but I quit after one.
GIRL: Well, I've more than reached my stopping point. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... fool me 3 times? 4 times? Geez is she a moron? Nay. I am an intelligent woman (and men seem more than determined to remind me of this). I'm smart enough to know by now that I am not cut out for the relationship thing. I don't need to keep relearning this, and I'm ok with it. I'd rather have learned it now than at 36 with 2 kids or something.
BOY: What a bunch of hogwash. "not the relationship type." No one is the relationship type, and if they are, they are co-dependent, and the last thing they need is a relationship. If Winston Churchill could find his type, there is a "type" for anyone...that is so archetypical. You'll probably be married in two years. hahaha. I predict it. I don't even have to tell you not to fight it, because you won't be able to.
GIRL: You underestimate me
BOY: I don't think I do
GIRL: mmm male arrogance
BOY: my confidence.
GIRL: Mhmm. Of course, according to you, I, being the soul-draining, life-sucking, dream-crushing female, should jump at the chance to be a married co-dependent leech, so I can see how my stance on this must be hard to fathom for you.
BOY: I wouldn't want to be a co-dependent leech. Neither would anyone else who thinks he or she could accomplish more on his or her own. Apparently, most women don't fall into that catagory. Female insecurity
GIRL: Or maybe women are generally more optimistic that together they can accompish more.
BOY: That's the view I would like to someday hold. One of the things I've given a lot of thought to is that if I do find an independent woman who is making a go of it alone, then one or both of us would have to disengage our dream to accomodate the other, thus destroying what I found attractive in her to begin with, or visa-versa.
GIRL: Not always true. There are sacrifices for sure. But sometimes peoples dreams fit together...or better yet complement each other
BOY: It would appear to be a catch-22. It seems like it would be a hard thing to orchestrate
GIRL: I don't know that it can be "orchestrated" per se...
BOY: oh, once you got married some orchestrating would have to start.
GIRL: Well..yeah planning and compromise sure. But that's true of everything, especially love. Real love anyway, whatever that is. Bottom line is: is it worth it to you? Is she worth it to you? And sadly, for better or for worse, most gals would say it is and they are; and most guys would say it isn't, and they aren't. Does that mean one is any more or less driven or insecure than the other? I dunno. Fair question I suppose. In the meantime, I'll keep my eyes peeled for a decoder pen for you.
1.17.2008
This is not one of the thousands of things I should be doing right now.
Recent News:
1. In addition to a flooded bathroom, last week I returned home to find paid invoices in my mailbox from last month's voice overs. Score.
2. I'm wrapping up a song-writer demo for a song that is, um, quite special. If I were legally allowed to share it with you, I would. (actually I'm probably allowed to, it just wouldn't be very professional to do it online... call me.. some of you would really "appreciate" this one)
3. Cadbury eggs have been spotted!!!
Honestly, the cadbury egg is one of my favorite things about spring, and this year, since I've been told that weight gain is a turn off, I've decided to eat them every chance I get in hopes of gaining 100 pounds and warding off would-be callers for the rest of my earthly days. Sigh, only the something as wonderful as the cadbury egg could both satisfy a sweet tooth and prove the shallowness of humanity all at once.
I'm counting on you, Cadbury Egg. Don't let me down.
Somewhat older news:
I finally got a record player! (thanks josh!) I've been collecting records for a while, and now that I received a bunch at Christmas (and my aunt and uncle let me raid their collection), I have tons!! We're talking a wide variety here as well: The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Heart, Steely Dan, Michael Jackson, some great classical and Broadway selections, James Taylor, Elton John, Billy Joel, Cat Stevens, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Ringo Starr..etc.
My favorite albums so far are: Cat Stevens "Teaser and the Firecat" and Ringo Starr "Goodnight Vienna." If you don't own both of these already, go take care of it now! Stop reading and go! So good! Especially "Teaser and the Firecat," if that's not music to see the world to, I don't know what is.
And more old news:
As I mentioned previously, I went to Colorado over New Years. Skiing, snowboarding, etc etc. I have to say, snowboarding was a lot of fun! I got a little nervous when everyone told me how bad the first day generally is, but mine wasn't that bad! The first 20 minutes were a little rough, but halfway down my first run I was able to turn and stop and gain speed and all that without falling over. I'm sure my "technique" was laughable (if existent!), but it was worth looking like an idiot. Anyways, here are some pics from the weekend:
The View!
After my first run. Numb lips, icy hair and all! Success!
New Year's Eve! (those shoes were $5, by the way)
Coming soon: Starting next Wednesday I will be cooking dinner every night for an entire week. If you live in the Nashville area, stop by as there will be plenty of leftovers. Menu includes: Beef Stir-fry, Brisket, Chicken Tortilla Soup, Ground Beef Casserole, and Crock Pot Chicken and Potatoes.
Closing thoughts: I'm considering the half marathon. (assuming I find a sponsor) I've gone running a few times this week. (i know, right? Eating AND exercising? What is this, a new year?) I'm afraid to commit to it just yet (ahh, maybe not such a new year after all), as obviously it would put a kink in the weight-gain plan.... but it IS on the list ->. And for whatever reason I really want to prove I can do it. That I can push through the mental crap that makes me think I can't, Because I totally can!! I'm already up to 40 minutes and I've only gone twice! Besides, Oprah did it. Oprah people. Oprah.
Maybe she will sponsor me.....
1. In addition to a flooded bathroom, last week I returned home to find paid invoices in my mailbox from last month's voice overs. Score.
2. I'm wrapping up a song-writer demo for a song that is, um, quite special. If I were legally allowed to share it with you, I would. (actually I'm probably allowed to, it just wouldn't be very professional to do it online... call me.. some of you would really "appreciate" this one)
3. Cadbury eggs have been spotted!!!
Honestly, the cadbury egg is one of my favorite things about spring, and this year, since I've been told that weight gain is a turn off, I've decided to eat them every chance I get in hopes of gaining 100 pounds and warding off would-be callers for the rest of my earthly days. Sigh, only the something as wonderful as the cadbury egg could both satisfy a sweet tooth and prove the shallowness of humanity all at once.
I'm counting on you, Cadbury Egg. Don't let me down.
Somewhat older news:
I finally got a record player! (thanks josh!) I've been collecting records for a while, and now that I received a bunch at Christmas (and my aunt and uncle let me raid their collection), I have tons!! We're talking a wide variety here as well: The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Heart, Steely Dan, Michael Jackson, some great classical and Broadway selections, James Taylor, Elton John, Billy Joel, Cat Stevens, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Ringo Starr..etc.
My favorite albums so far are: Cat Stevens "Teaser and the Firecat" and Ringo Starr "Goodnight Vienna." If you don't own both of these already, go take care of it now! Stop reading and go! So good! Especially "Teaser and the Firecat," if that's not music to see the world to, I don't know what is.
And more old news:
As I mentioned previously, I went to Colorado over New Years. Skiing, snowboarding, etc etc. I have to say, snowboarding was a lot of fun! I got a little nervous when everyone told me how bad the first day generally is, but mine wasn't that bad! The first 20 minutes were a little rough, but halfway down my first run I was able to turn and stop and gain speed and all that without falling over. I'm sure my "technique" was laughable (if existent!), but it was worth looking like an idiot. Anyways, here are some pics from the weekend:
The View!
After my first run. Numb lips, icy hair and all! Success!
New Year's Eve! (those shoes were $5, by the way)
Coming soon: Starting next Wednesday I will be cooking dinner every night for an entire week. If you live in the Nashville area, stop by as there will be plenty of leftovers. Menu includes: Beef Stir-fry, Brisket, Chicken Tortilla Soup, Ground Beef Casserole, and Crock Pot Chicken and Potatoes.
Closing thoughts: I'm considering the half marathon. (assuming I find a sponsor) I've gone running a few times this week. (i know, right? Eating AND exercising? What is this, a new year?) I'm afraid to commit to it just yet (ahh, maybe not such a new year after all), as obviously it would put a kink in the weight-gain plan.... but it IS on the list ->. And for whatever reason I really want to prove I can do it. That I can push through the mental crap that makes me think I can't, Because I totally can!! I'm already up to 40 minutes and I've only gone twice! Besides, Oprah did it. Oprah people. Oprah.
Maybe she will sponsor me.....
1.12.2008
You're my favorite.
I've added some new links to ye old blog over the past year. Today I am adding a few more. I'd like to give extra attention to the following sites that blow my mind and make me smile. I hope you enjoy them as well!
The Bubble Project
The Bubble Manifesto:
Our communal spaces are being overrun with ads. Train stations, streets, squares, busses and subways now scream one message after another at us. Once considered "public," these spaces are increasingly being seized by corporations to propogate their messages solely in the interest of profit. Armed with heavy budgets, their marketing tactics are becoming more and more aggressive and manipulative. We the public, are both target and the victim of this media attack.
The Bubble Project is the counter attack.
The Bubbles are the ammunition.
Once placed on ads, these stickers transform the corporate monologue into an open dialouge. They encourage anyone to fill them in with any form of self-expression, free from censorship.
More bubbles mean more freed spaces, more sharing of personal thoughts, more reactions to current events, and most importantly, more imagination and fun.
We Feel Fine (this one is unreal!)
An exploration of human emotion on a global scale.
Since August 2005, We Feel Fine has been harvesting human feelings from a large number of weblogs. Every few minutes, the system searches the world's newly posted blog entries for occurrences of the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling". When it finds such a phrase, it records the full sentence, up to the period, and identifies the "feeling" expressed in that sentence (e.g. sad, happy, depressed, etc.). Because blogs are structured in largely standard ways, the age, gender, and geographical location of the author can often be extracted and saved along with the sentence, as can the local weather conditions at the time the sentence was written. All of this information is saved.
The result is a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 - 20,000 new feelings per day. Using a series of playful interfaces, the feelings can be searched and sorted across a number of demographic slices, offering responses to specific questions like: do Europeans feel sad more often than Americans? Do women feel fat more often than men? Does rainy weather affect how we feel? What are the most representative feelings of female New Yorkers in their 20s? What do people feel right now in Baghdad? What were people feeling on Valentine's Day? Which are the happiest cities in the world? The saddest? And so on.
The interface to this data is a self-organizing particle system, where each particle represents a single feeling posted by a single individual. The particles' properties – color, size, shape, opacity – indicate the nature of the feeling inside, and any particle can be clicked to reveal the full sentence or photograph it contains. The particles careen wildly around the screen until asked to self-organize along any number of axes, expressing various pictures of human emotion. We Feel Fine paints these pictures in six formal movements titled: Madness, Murmurs, Montage, Mobs, Metrics, and Mounds.
At its core, We Feel Fine is an artwork authored by everyone. It will grow and change as we grow and change, reflecting what's on our blogs, what's in our hearts, what's in our minds.
MINT
Refreshing Money Management
Mint is a modern, powerful, easy and secure web-based solution for managing your finances. And it’s free. You register anonymously using any valid email address, and then add the log-in information for the online bank, credit union and credit card accounts you want to consolidate in Mint.
Mint connects to over 3,500 US financial institutions. Your account information is updated each night. Mint automatically categorizes all your purchases, showing you how much you spend on gas, groceries, parking, rent, restaurants, DVD rentals and more, with amazing precision. An advanced alerting system highlights any unusual activity, low balances, unwanted fees and charges, and upcoming bills so you’re in constant contact with your money – effortlessly.
Mint goes way beyond just reporting. Using a patent-pending search algorithm, Mint constantly searches through thousands of offers from hundreds of providers to find the best deals on everything from bank accounts to credit cards; cable, phone and Internet plans, and more. Mint’s suggestions are “unique to you” as they are based on your individual spending patterns. For example, if you have $20,000 in a bank account that’s earning no interest, Mint might recommend a high interest rate savings account from ING or HSBC. Acting on that suggestion would give you an extra $900 in interest income over a year.
KIVA
Loans that chnage lives.
Yes, yes. This is the website I've had on my facebook profile for about 6 months now. but in case you failed to check it out, consider this another reminder.
Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can "sponsor a business" and help the world's working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you've sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back.
Kiva partners with existing microfinance institutions. In doing so, they gain access to outstanding entrepreneurs from impoverished communities world-wide. Their partners are experts in choosing qualified borrowers. That said, partners are usually short on funds. Through Kiva.org, partners upload their borrower profiles directly to the site so you can lend to them.
You-Are-Beautiful
A photographic journey of a simple phrase that continues to travel across the globe...
The Visual Dictionary
A visual exploration of words in the real world.
The Visual Dictionary is a collaborative project to collect as many photographs of words as possible.
They aim to do this by asking you, the user, to send in your images of words, whether they be signage, advertising, graffiti, packaging, menus, written in the sky, tatoos, or made of grass - if its a single word, they'll gladly accept it!
The Bubble Project
The Bubble Manifesto:
Our communal spaces are being overrun with ads. Train stations, streets, squares, busses and subways now scream one message after another at us. Once considered "public," these spaces are increasingly being seized by corporations to propogate their messages solely in the interest of profit. Armed with heavy budgets, their marketing tactics are becoming more and more aggressive and manipulative. We the public, are both target and the victim of this media attack.
The Bubble Project is the counter attack.
The Bubbles are the ammunition.
Once placed on ads, these stickers transform the corporate monologue into an open dialouge. They encourage anyone to fill them in with any form of self-expression, free from censorship.
More bubbles mean more freed spaces, more sharing of personal thoughts, more reactions to current events, and most importantly, more imagination and fun.
We Feel Fine (this one is unreal!)
An exploration of human emotion on a global scale.
Since August 2005, We Feel Fine has been harvesting human feelings from a large number of weblogs. Every few minutes, the system searches the world's newly posted blog entries for occurrences of the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling". When it finds such a phrase, it records the full sentence, up to the period, and identifies the "feeling" expressed in that sentence (e.g. sad, happy, depressed, etc.). Because blogs are structured in largely standard ways, the age, gender, and geographical location of the author can often be extracted and saved along with the sentence, as can the local weather conditions at the time the sentence was written. All of this information is saved.
The result is a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 - 20,000 new feelings per day. Using a series of playful interfaces, the feelings can be searched and sorted across a number of demographic slices, offering responses to specific questions like: do Europeans feel sad more often than Americans? Do women feel fat more often than men? Does rainy weather affect how we feel? What are the most representative feelings of female New Yorkers in their 20s? What do people feel right now in Baghdad? What were people feeling on Valentine's Day? Which are the happiest cities in the world? The saddest? And so on.
The interface to this data is a self-organizing particle system, where each particle represents a single feeling posted by a single individual. The particles' properties – color, size, shape, opacity – indicate the nature of the feeling inside, and any particle can be clicked to reveal the full sentence or photograph it contains. The particles careen wildly around the screen until asked to self-organize along any number of axes, expressing various pictures of human emotion. We Feel Fine paints these pictures in six formal movements titled: Madness, Murmurs, Montage, Mobs, Metrics, and Mounds.
At its core, We Feel Fine is an artwork authored by everyone. It will grow and change as we grow and change, reflecting what's on our blogs, what's in our hearts, what's in our minds.
MINT
Refreshing Money Management
Mint is a modern, powerful, easy and secure web-based solution for managing your finances. And it’s free. You register anonymously using any valid email address, and then add the log-in information for the online bank, credit union and credit card accounts you want to consolidate in Mint.
Mint connects to over 3,500 US financial institutions. Your account information is updated each night. Mint automatically categorizes all your purchases, showing you how much you spend on gas, groceries, parking, rent, restaurants, DVD rentals and more, with amazing precision. An advanced alerting system highlights any unusual activity, low balances, unwanted fees and charges, and upcoming bills so you’re in constant contact with your money – effortlessly.
Mint goes way beyond just reporting. Using a patent-pending search algorithm, Mint constantly searches through thousands of offers from hundreds of providers to find the best deals on everything from bank accounts to credit cards; cable, phone and Internet plans, and more. Mint’s suggestions are “unique to you” as they are based on your individual spending patterns. For example, if you have $20,000 in a bank account that’s earning no interest, Mint might recommend a high interest rate savings account from ING or HSBC. Acting on that suggestion would give you an extra $900 in interest income over a year.
KIVA
Loans that chnage lives.
Yes, yes. This is the website I've had on my facebook profile for about 6 months now. but in case you failed to check it out, consider this another reminder.
Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can "sponsor a business" and help the world's working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you've sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back.
Kiva partners with existing microfinance institutions. In doing so, they gain access to outstanding entrepreneurs from impoverished communities world-wide. Their partners are experts in choosing qualified borrowers. That said, partners are usually short on funds. Through Kiva.org, partners upload their borrower profiles directly to the site so you can lend to them.
You-Are-Beautiful
A photographic journey of a simple phrase that continues to travel across the globe...
The Visual Dictionary
A visual exploration of words in the real world.
The Visual Dictionary is a collaborative project to collect as many photographs of words as possible.
They aim to do this by asking you, the user, to send in your images of words, whether they be signage, advertising, graffiti, packaging, menus, written in the sky, tatoos, or made of grass - if its a single word, they'll gladly accept it!
1.10.2008
So, 2008 and I are NOT getting along...
That's right.
First things first, a word to our friend 2008:
Listen up! I am not giving in to your crap! Do you hear me?!? I've handled bigger douchebags than you. 2006 was a witch, and 2007 wasn't exactly paradise either, and here I am, still standing and more than ready to TAKE YOU DOWN. So go ahead. Screw me over, I dare you. You won't be the first, and you probably won't be the last, but I garuntee you, you'll be sorry. I'm not the sweet doormat I once was, take heed 2008. TAKE HEED!!
Whew. Much better.
Now for those of you in the dark...
It really isn't that bad, but it certainly has been an interesting few days.
You be the judge.
It all started in December when I went in for an oil change. I like to call this "Mistake #1." Afterall, this is my car we are talking about. It's never just an oil change. It's an oil change and .. This time it was an oil change and 2 new belts, making my oil change come to a total of $300.
The day after my "oil change" the car had trouble starting. That night after work, I couldn't get the car to start at all, even after jumping it so I had to be rescued by Emily. The following morning, I went back to the car and it started just fine. I immediately took the car back to it's oil change home. After a full day of inspections, the mechanics could find nothing wrong. I picked up my car and had no problems the entire trip home.
Flash forward to after Christmas. Josh and I are in the car on the way up to Boulder and we reach Park, Kansas. AKA: Hell personified. I swear Western Kansas will steal your soul. Anyhow, we get to Park, Kansas and I fill the tank up with gas, get back in the car and lo! the car won't start. 20 minutes and several tries later we finally get it started and get on our way. No more problems until the trip back, when it had trouble starting on several occasions.
Moving on to this past Saturday. I load up the car and head out on the road back to Nashville after Christmas break. 30 minutes into the drive I begin to smell this odd smell. Being in rural OK I assume it is cows and I turn the vent off. 10 minutes later however, the smell is still in the car. I look over in the cats crate next to me and I see Mo covered in puke. Apparently Valentine had been sick. I pulled off the highway and got a bunch of napkins to wipe down Mo. I even had to throw out some of the cats blankets. Gross!
Back on the road I drive 7 hours without distraction. I arrive in West Memphis. It has finally gotten dark and it has just started raining. I'm in the left lane on the phone with my brother going about 65/70mph with traffic. Suddenly a truck from the right lane cut in front of me and quickly slammed on its brakes. I immediately dropped the phone and hit my brakes and started screaming. Luckily I did not rear end the guy. However, the road was just wet enough that my brakes grabbed and swerved and my car hit the barricade that was to my immediate left.
After a very short moment of shock and awe that I was unhurt and that my airbags didn't deploy. I began to cry (harder) and wonder how I was going to get out of the car. My door was right up against the barricade, and the passenger side half of the car was still out in the lane of traffic. Then came the fear that I would be hit by some moron not paying attention, as my car was still partially in the lane since there was no shoulder to the left of the left hand lane where I was.
Thankfully the semi-truck behind me saw the truck pull in front of me and he immediately pulled over into the right lane and then over onto the shoulder as he saw me crash. He then called 911 and got out of his cab and yelled at me to turn my car off and not to get out of the car. Then he proceeded to slowly cross the highway, screaming at cars to slow down. Then he helped me crawl out the passenger side of my car and walk across to the shoulder off the other side of the highway.
Almost instantly roadside assistance arrived. Honestly I need to send those guys a letter. They were so helpful. They managed to help me get my car across the highway and then they emptied my entire trunk (full of christmas and 2 weeks worth of luggage) to get to my spare tire. They put the spare tire on my car and gave me directions to the nearest Wal Mart (joy) so that I could purchase a new tire for the trip back to Nashville. In the meantime the truck driver got on the phone with my brother (who swears he lost 5 years of his life hearing me scream, hearing the crash and then hearing the phone go dead) giving him details insuring him that I was fine, but shaken up. A police officer arrived but had to leave immediately as there was a nother, more serious wreck about a mile behind me, so no accident report was ever filed.
For the kind people who helped me out, I gave them a CD and said thank-you a million times.
As for the jerk who cut in front of me, he sped up and we never saw him again.
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
I get to Wal Mart (my favorite place on earth). I go inside to see if they can help me pick out a tire and put it on my car. The associates assure me that they can do this if I pull my car around. I return to the parking lot to move my car, and it won't start. I try it a few more times with no luck, so I return to the store asking them to wait for me to get back with my car, as they are closing soon. They agree to wait, and I attempt to start my car again. After several attempts I get it started and and hour and $75 later, my car is ready to go!
Unfortunately for me, the car again refuses to start. The mechanics tell me I need a new fuel pump, but that they can't fix it there. We try for an hour with no luck. panicked at being trapped in a Wal Mart in West Memphis where I know no one, I call home to tell my parents that I am stuck and plan to sleep in my car in the parking lot until I can be rescued by a wrecker service in the morning.
Despite being 24 and independent, the parents were not in favor of this idea. They proceeded to call the District Superintendent of the Nazarene church in Arkansas, who then called the pastor of the Nazarene church in West Memphis, who agreed to come pick me up and let me stay at their home that evening.
After calling my insurance company to make use of my free roadside assistance, the wrecker guy "John" and I decided it was best to take everything of value out of the car and leave it in the Wal Mart parking lot with the key locked inside where it would be secure and he would come with a mechanic friend in the morning.
So the pastor and I again unloaded my car into his car and off I went with the cats to stay at the parsonage for the night.
Morning comes.
I get up and go to church with pastor and his wife.
Halfway through the service "John" calls me to tell me that his mechanic friend has successfully hotwired my car to bypass the computer system so that I can get home, but that I will need the cars computer checked out and dealt with as soon as I get home.
We leave church to pick up the car. I pay the guy $100 in cash, give the pastor and his wife a CD and a millions thank-yous and finally get on my way home.
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
I drive 3 hours with no problem.
15 minutes from my front door I get pulled over.
I haven't had a ticket since I was 18, mind you. The policeman asks why I am in a hurry. (sadly, I wasn't even trying to speed.. usually I am, and this time I honestly wasn't) I start to cry (mistake #2) and tell him I didn't know I was going fast, that I had been driving for 2 days with no cruise control, that I had been in a wreck yesterday and that I wasn't sure if I could turn my car off.
To which he replies "here is your $175 citation, you have the option of going to court."
In his defense, I am sure that he gets tons of sob stories, and he probably didn't believe me. But come on!
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
I get home.
After a short panic atttack thinking I had left my coat (with my house keys in it) at the pastors house, I dig through my trunk until I thankfully find my coat and keys.
I go inside and I hear a strange noise....
I immediately book it to the back of the house where I find water spraying all over my bathroom. Tub and trashcan full. About an inch worth of water on the floor.
I quickly attempt to get the water off to no avail. I then rush to my next door neighbors house. He grabs some tools and manages to get the water main shut off and helps me inspect the problems while we wait on the landlord.
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
The landlord comes and we get things straightened out. The maintenence crew would be out in the morning to take care of the pipes and the busted hot water heater.
In the meantime, I attempt sleep.
I get up Monday morning to go to work, go out to my car, get it, turn the key... and nothing. The battery is completely dead. Turns out the "hotwiring" was great in getting the car started, but it would completely drain the battery if the car sat still for too long.
So I hitch a ride to work and that evening I locate a battery charger. Tuesday morning I take my car in and they agree to look at it on Friday. In the meantime, I was to drive the car as little as possible and leave it plugged in to the charger with the grounding cable unattached.
Sheesh!
And that my friends, brings us up to today, where so far, nothing has gone wrong. I picked my car up from the shop after 2 days and $130, and it appears to be working fine.
Hopefully the rest of 2008 won't be as traumatic!
First things first, a word to our friend 2008:
Listen up! I am not giving in to your crap! Do you hear me?!? I've handled bigger douchebags than you. 2006 was a witch, and 2007 wasn't exactly paradise either, and here I am, still standing and more than ready to TAKE YOU DOWN. So go ahead. Screw me over, I dare you. You won't be the first, and you probably won't be the last, but I garuntee you, you'll be sorry. I'm not the sweet doormat I once was, take heed 2008. TAKE HEED!!
Whew. Much better.
Now for those of you in the dark...
It really isn't that bad, but it certainly has been an interesting few days.
You be the judge.
It all started in December when I went in for an oil change. I like to call this "Mistake #1." Afterall, this is my car we are talking about. It's never just an oil change. It's an oil change and .. This time it was an oil change and 2 new belts, making my oil change come to a total of $300.
The day after my "oil change" the car had trouble starting. That night after work, I couldn't get the car to start at all, even after jumping it so I had to be rescued by Emily. The following morning, I went back to the car and it started just fine. I immediately took the car back to it's oil change home. After a full day of inspections, the mechanics could find nothing wrong. I picked up my car and had no problems the entire trip home.
Flash forward to after Christmas. Josh and I are in the car on the way up to Boulder and we reach Park, Kansas. AKA: Hell personified. I swear Western Kansas will steal your soul. Anyhow, we get to Park, Kansas and I fill the tank up with gas, get back in the car and lo! the car won't start. 20 minutes and several tries later we finally get it started and get on our way. No more problems until the trip back, when it had trouble starting on several occasions.
Moving on to this past Saturday. I load up the car and head out on the road back to Nashville after Christmas break. 30 minutes into the drive I begin to smell this odd smell. Being in rural OK I assume it is cows and I turn the vent off. 10 minutes later however, the smell is still in the car. I look over in the cats crate next to me and I see Mo covered in puke. Apparently Valentine had been sick. I pulled off the highway and got a bunch of napkins to wipe down Mo. I even had to throw out some of the cats blankets. Gross!
Back on the road I drive 7 hours without distraction. I arrive in West Memphis. It has finally gotten dark and it has just started raining. I'm in the left lane on the phone with my brother going about 65/70mph with traffic. Suddenly a truck from the right lane cut in front of me and quickly slammed on its brakes. I immediately dropped the phone and hit my brakes and started screaming. Luckily I did not rear end the guy. However, the road was just wet enough that my brakes grabbed and swerved and my car hit the barricade that was to my immediate left.
After a very short moment of shock and awe that I was unhurt and that my airbags didn't deploy. I began to cry (harder) and wonder how I was going to get out of the car. My door was right up against the barricade, and the passenger side half of the car was still out in the lane of traffic. Then came the fear that I would be hit by some moron not paying attention, as my car was still partially in the lane since there was no shoulder to the left of the left hand lane where I was.
Thankfully the semi-truck behind me saw the truck pull in front of me and he immediately pulled over into the right lane and then over onto the shoulder as he saw me crash. He then called 911 and got out of his cab and yelled at me to turn my car off and not to get out of the car. Then he proceeded to slowly cross the highway, screaming at cars to slow down. Then he helped me crawl out the passenger side of my car and walk across to the shoulder off the other side of the highway.
Almost instantly roadside assistance arrived. Honestly I need to send those guys a letter. They were so helpful. They managed to help me get my car across the highway and then they emptied my entire trunk (full of christmas and 2 weeks worth of luggage) to get to my spare tire. They put the spare tire on my car and gave me directions to the nearest Wal Mart (joy) so that I could purchase a new tire for the trip back to Nashville. In the meantime the truck driver got on the phone with my brother (who swears he lost 5 years of his life hearing me scream, hearing the crash and then hearing the phone go dead) giving him details insuring him that I was fine, but shaken up. A police officer arrived but had to leave immediately as there was a nother, more serious wreck about a mile behind me, so no accident report was ever filed.
For the kind people who helped me out, I gave them a CD and said thank-you a million times.
As for the jerk who cut in front of me, he sped up and we never saw him again.
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
I get to Wal Mart (my favorite place on earth). I go inside to see if they can help me pick out a tire and put it on my car. The associates assure me that they can do this if I pull my car around. I return to the parking lot to move my car, and it won't start. I try it a few more times with no luck, so I return to the store asking them to wait for me to get back with my car, as they are closing soon. They agree to wait, and I attempt to start my car again. After several attempts I get it started and and hour and $75 later, my car is ready to go!
Unfortunately for me, the car again refuses to start. The mechanics tell me I need a new fuel pump, but that they can't fix it there. We try for an hour with no luck. panicked at being trapped in a Wal Mart in West Memphis where I know no one, I call home to tell my parents that I am stuck and plan to sleep in my car in the parking lot until I can be rescued by a wrecker service in the morning.
Despite being 24 and independent, the parents were not in favor of this idea. They proceeded to call the District Superintendent of the Nazarene church in Arkansas, who then called the pastor of the Nazarene church in West Memphis, who agreed to come pick me up and let me stay at their home that evening.
After calling my insurance company to make use of my free roadside assistance, the wrecker guy "John" and I decided it was best to take everything of value out of the car and leave it in the Wal Mart parking lot with the key locked inside where it would be secure and he would come with a mechanic friend in the morning.
So the pastor and I again unloaded my car into his car and off I went with the cats to stay at the parsonage for the night.
Morning comes.
I get up and go to church with pastor and his wife.
Halfway through the service "John" calls me to tell me that his mechanic friend has successfully hotwired my car to bypass the computer system so that I can get home, but that I will need the cars computer checked out and dealt with as soon as I get home.
We leave church to pick up the car. I pay the guy $100 in cash, give the pastor and his wife a CD and a millions thank-yous and finally get on my way home.
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
I drive 3 hours with no problem.
15 minutes from my front door I get pulled over.
I haven't had a ticket since I was 18, mind you. The policeman asks why I am in a hurry. (sadly, I wasn't even trying to speed.. usually I am, and this time I honestly wasn't) I start to cry (mistake #2) and tell him I didn't know I was going fast, that I had been driving for 2 days with no cruise control, that I had been in a wreck yesterday and that I wasn't sure if I could turn my car off.
To which he replies "here is your $175 citation, you have the option of going to court."
In his defense, I am sure that he gets tons of sob stories, and he probably didn't believe me. But come on!
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
I get home.
After a short panic atttack thinking I had left my coat (with my house keys in it) at the pastors house, I dig through my trunk until I thankfully find my coat and keys.
I go inside and I hear a strange noise....
I immediately book it to the back of the house where I find water spraying all over my bathroom. Tub and trashcan full. About an inch worth of water on the floor.
I quickly attempt to get the water off to no avail. I then rush to my next door neighbors house. He grabs some tools and manages to get the water main shut off and helps me inspect the problems while we wait on the landlord.
Now. You would think the story ends here... but it does not.
The landlord comes and we get things straightened out. The maintenence crew would be out in the morning to take care of the pipes and the busted hot water heater.
In the meantime, I attempt sleep.
I get up Monday morning to go to work, go out to my car, get it, turn the key... and nothing. The battery is completely dead. Turns out the "hotwiring" was great in getting the car started, but it would completely drain the battery if the car sat still for too long.
So I hitch a ride to work and that evening I locate a battery charger. Tuesday morning I take my car in and they agree to look at it on Friday. In the meantime, I was to drive the car as little as possible and leave it plugged in to the charger with the grounding cable unattached.
Sheesh!
And that my friends, brings us up to today, where so far, nothing has gone wrong. I picked my car up from the shop after 2 days and $130, and it appears to be working fine.
Hopefully the rest of 2008 won't be as traumatic!
1.01.2008
Here it goes, Here it goes, Here it goes again...
Oh here it goes again.
2008 is at last upon us. This New Year finds me in Fraser, CO in the midst of days spent hot-tubbing, snow shoeing, cross-country skiing, and snowboarding.
Tonight as 2007 came to a close, we had elk steak and wine after a day on the slopes, spent a few hours playing blow pong and Dirty Santa and then had a dance party with some new friends here at "the lodge." We also read a Tennyson poem that I plan to post at the end of all of this ranting, and sang "Come Thou Fount" together in the living room.
I have many thoughts about 2007....
As I look through the days headlines I read about the unrest in Kenya, the devastating turmoil in Pakistan, and of course, Britney Spears' younger sisters pregnancy.
I look through my life this past year: Quitting my day job to sing. Recording and releasing the EP, playing out in Austin, recording voice-overs, obtaining freelance vocal work, getting signed with amax, seeing the Dalai Lama, traveling to NYC (twice), to Michigan, to Chicago, to Orlando, to Shreveport, to Outer Banks, and now to Colorado.
Crazy, how in spite of so many wonderful things, there has been quite a bit of darkness and unrest, for me personally, for my friends, my family and this hectic world we call home.
It reminds me of the Barenaked Ladies song, "Lovers in a Dangerous Time"
I don't know about you, but I have heard a lot of shit (pardon my french) about "love" this year... from all kinds of people, myself included. I've come to realize that anyone who says that they love, is a liar. No one loves. Not really. Not real love...
But God bless those who try. Those who really, and truly try. Because it is a dangerous time. And those who are willing to fight it out... well, they have a hard road ahead of them.. and I can't honestly count myself as one of them anymore, but I can promise that they have all of my hope and support behind them. Because damn it, I want to believe that it's possible.
So that's what 2008 is bringing me. The hope that my friends and family who are willing to fight it out, will win. That they won't give up. That they won't give in. The hope that one day Jesus really will make this world right, and I won't have to read stories about mass killings, hunger, extreme poverty and political assassinations ever again. The hope that people will stop destroying each other.
The hope that we will stop destroying each other.
I want to believe it.
2007 brought the dark... Here's to hoping that 2008 will bring some light.
Happy New Year.
2008 is at last upon us. This New Year finds me in Fraser, CO in the midst of days spent hot-tubbing, snow shoeing, cross-country skiing, and snowboarding.
Tonight as 2007 came to a close, we had elk steak and wine after a day on the slopes, spent a few hours playing blow pong and Dirty Santa and then had a dance party with some new friends here at "the lodge." We also read a Tennyson poem that I plan to post at the end of all of this ranting, and sang "Come Thou Fount" together in the living room.
I have many thoughts about 2007....
As I look through the days headlines I read about the unrest in Kenya, the devastating turmoil in Pakistan, and of course, Britney Spears' younger sisters pregnancy.
I look through my life this past year: Quitting my day job to sing. Recording and releasing the EP, playing out in Austin, recording voice-overs, obtaining freelance vocal work, getting signed with amax, seeing the Dalai Lama, traveling to NYC (twice), to Michigan, to Chicago, to Orlando, to Shreveport, to Outer Banks, and now to Colorado.
Crazy, how in spite of so many wonderful things, there has been quite a bit of darkness and unrest, for me personally, for my friends, my family and this hectic world we call home.
It reminds me of the Barenaked Ladies song, "Lovers in a Dangerous Time"
Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by
You never get to stop and open your eyes
One minute youre waiting for the sky to fall
The next youre dazzled by the beauty of it all
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This fragrant skin, this hair like lace
Spirits open to the thrust of grace
Never a breath you can afford to waste
Lovers in a dangerous time
When youre lovers in a dangerous time
Sometimes youre made to feel as if your loves a crime
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight
When youre lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
We were lovers in a dangerous time
I don't know about you, but I have heard a lot of shit (pardon my french) about "love" this year... from all kinds of people, myself included. I've come to realize that anyone who says that they love, is a liar. No one loves. Not really. Not real love...
But God bless those who try. Those who really, and truly try. Because it is a dangerous time. And those who are willing to fight it out... well, they have a hard road ahead of them.. and I can't honestly count myself as one of them anymore, but I can promise that they have all of my hope and support behind them. Because damn it, I want to believe that it's possible.
So that's what 2008 is bringing me. The hope that my friends and family who are willing to fight it out, will win. That they won't give up. That they won't give in. The hope that one day Jesus really will make this world right, and I won't have to read stories about mass killings, hunger, extreme poverty and political assassinations ever again. The hope that people will stop destroying each other.
The hope that we will stop destroying each other.
I want to believe it.
2007 brought the dark... Here's to hoping that 2008 will bring some light.
Happy New Year.
"Ring Out Wild Bells..."
By: Alfred Lord Tennyson
Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.
Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.
Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.
Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.
Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)