Doubt.

Authors note: The following post is one I have had for several weeks now. I've been holding it in "draft" but the other day I watched the most recent Desperate Housewives episode and it highlighted some of what I had to say, so after seeing it I decided to go ahead and post it.

I've been thinking a lot about doubt recently. I've been reading Timothy Keller's newest book: "The Reason for God" and it has been addressing some of the issues I have had these past couple of years. I've talked with some of you about this, so it's really no secret or anything. Sometimes thinking about my life, and God and "christians" and the whole "religion" thing keeps me up at night.

I suppose most of it has been in the back of my mind in some form or fashion for a while. Seeing hungry children, wartorn countries, cities destroyed by natural disasters..etc.. that stuff makes you think. Add to that the day-in-day-out disappointments that any human has, and personal events that hit a little closer to home and I think anyone would reflect on this sort of stuff a little bit more than usual.

I just find myself plagued with questions and arguements and doubt about things that I really don't want to think about right now for fear that I'll come out with even less belief/faith/hope than I have now... which is hard to imagine. Not to mention that I don't always want to discuss it with people cause everyone has a different opinion, and most take it too personally and no one really has any answers anyway. I guess I'm just frustrated. What else is new? Maybe I am making an idol out of my understanding. Maybe I am just thinking too much. But why create me to think and then expect me to do it less? Why put a question in a human who was created curious and then condem them for asking it out loud? Obviously there are many flaws in those last 2 statements.... but this is the track my mind has been on for awhile now.

I've begun to see religion and views on christianity and sin and behavior as circular and convenient at best.. and before I know it, I don't know what to think anymore. It seems most christians use God as their excuse to justify doing or saying whatever it is they want to do or say.... and then there is all kinds of other evil going on for what appears to be no reason. Do we blame humans for their choices, or God for His plan? I suppose we should just blame "sin"... but that seems like such a cop-out. After all, why is sin even an issue? This takes me back to the beginning... to Adam and Eve.

Did God plan for Adam and Eve to sin, or did he merely give them the choice and then allow it to happen? Either way, God knew Adam and Eve were going to sin, so why not stop them, and thus stop the fall of man and it's residual fallout (not to mention the death of His son and the destruction of man) right at the start? Couldn't all of this have been avoided?

There is a large part of me that feels like a good and powerful God would have stopped two individuals from ruining things for the rest of eternity right at the start, so why not? Taking it a bit further, if God planned for men to sin so that He could have His son killed on their behalf, that's love, but doesn't that make Him some sort of masochist or something? I think God is powerful, I don't think it was a matter of capability... but sometimes I do think it's a matter of will. Maybe he just chose not to intervene. But why?

Most of the time I feel as though God is going to do whatever He wants to do, and there's not a whole lot we can do about it. I think that God is "good" in the sense that He is good on His terms... not always on ours, and something about that depresses me, even though I know that should be good news. The Bible says that God's plans are for good and not for evil Plans to prosper and not to harm us... and yet, plenty of christians (and everyone else) suffer horribly. I don't expect a world without suffering, but I just can't see children starving to death as "good." I can't see people being cruel and hateful as "good." I've dished out my share of terrible behavior, and I've been on the receiving end of hate and indifference from others (christians even....actually.... christians mostly) and maybe that's what God thinks is "good" for me... but I can't seem to see it that way myself. And yet it happens. I find myself wishing I could just see things the way God sees them. I'm not saying I want to "be God," cause that would be terrible for everyone involved... but if I could just see things from a perspective other than mine. I dunno.

Sometimes I manage to be patient waiting for the "good" to come of things. But it appears that most times, good doesn't come. I know it will all be redeemed eventually, but if it all could have been circumvented in the beginning, then why wasn't that done? And honestly, I know that redemption is coming, and I long for that day, I really do... but part of me is a little miffed by the fact that we just have to truck along taking hits as they come and then die before we get to really and truly experience it. Thinking about that makes me wonder why more people don't commit suicide. If it's all about that final day and just surviving in the mean time, then why bother living at all? (and no, I'm not suicidal or anything, really.)

As strange as it seems, I want to believe better things. I really do. But how do you make yourself believe something? I find myself missing the person I used to be. It seems to me that the Danica who so passionately believed things, has completely faded away into someone who doesn't believe much of anything anymore. I still believe in God, but I don't trust Him anymore. Just writing it out and seeing it there makes me sad, but I just don't know what to do with it. I suppose I trust God to "do His thing".. but I definitely don't trust Him to care about what I think or feel or want. And why should He? He's God, and I've begun to believe that He will do what He wants, when He wants regardless of my prayers, thoughts, hopes or feelings. And that sucks, because I want God to care but I also want Him in control... but then I see what happens when He is in control and I start to wonder... the number of things I could have prevented in my life if I had only trusted less... I'll have someof those regrets for the rest of my life. That's a really hard thing to get my mind around.

I think my problem is that I tend to "trust" God like I trust people: based on experience and what they show me. But that's probably not the best thing. Just because I've trusted God many times before and things turned out terrible, doesn't mean that they always will, right? I was thinking about this recently, and I realized, I can't "trust" or "distrust" God based on what I feel he is doing or what I feel he has done, but rather on what I know He has done. I can, and must, trust God because of Jesus. God came through for Jesus. And thinking about this helps me... until I go back to the beginning and think that if the fall of man had been avoided, then God wouldn't have had to send His son at all... not that He "had" to in the first place but...

Sigh.

No wonder I can't sleep.