Today at work I read half of an article in The New York Times Magazine discussing theology and politics. What I read was quite well written and I may have to go buy the magazine so I can finish.
The article discusses how the Western world has long sought to seperate theology and politics, whereas the majority of the rest of the world, for better or for worse, has not. Obviously the writer goes into great detail fledging out historic timelines and the like.. however, one key point to his piece was this: an individuals view of God, or the idea of "higher beings", directly affects ones ideology in terms of government and rule.
I supppose this isn't a huge revelation or anything. Afterall, it's obvious that a person's thoughts on God, or lack thereof, would reveal themselves through various tangible means. But it got me thinking...
I'm not so sure what to do with God these days (as if there is anything I can do with Him). I'm not sure what to make of Him... and that scares me a little.
Don't misread me: I believe in God. I love God (or try to anyway). I'm all about the Nicene Creed, The Apostles Creed, etc. but at the same time, lately my thoughts toward God involve this feeling of extreme seperation. That God is up there in His world, and I am down here and His "will" is being done regardless of anything I may think or feel or do. I'm sure that makes it sound like I don't believe God cares about people.. and maybe that is what I am saying, but I hope not, because I do think that God cares... I just think His will is more important than my personal feelings.. or whatever.
I find myself constantly coming back to the idea that it isn't a matter of God's capacity or ability.. it's a matter of desire. I'm not saying that God is incapable, that would be a contradxiction of terms. If He wanted things to be different for people, then they would be. So where does that leave us? I'm not sure.
I don't think God is a vending machine, giving us what we want, how we want it, whenever we ask. I know it's holiness over happiness. But what about those situations that harden us, that do anything but make us more "holy"...when we want to believe and have faith, but we don't? When we wait for it to come, but it never does? What of God then?
I know the Bible says that God's plans for us are for good and not for evil, and I don't believe the Bible lies.. but God also hardened Pharoah's heart.. was that for his good? The more I think about it, the more I think that God's plans are for God's good, and hopefully that translates to our good... because ideally we should want the things that he wants, regardless of what that means for us.
I dunno.
I miss the days when I believed. When I believed that God wanted good things for me personally, when I thought that I wanted what He wanted, when I believed that He delighted in my happiness. It never crossed my mind to think that maybe God had lots of painful things in store for me that I wouldn't bounce back from. I never thought to consider that "God's best" could be my worst, which is silly, because God required His own son to die to fullfill His will so that we can be in heaven one day, so why would I assume to be exempt?
Regardless, I wonder where that blind faith and simple belief went. I sometimes wonder if it, like my old self, somehow wandered off or ran to hide, and is now lost and gone forever. I've stopped wondering if I will ever wake up, though I am still desperate to.
Who knows. Maybe I am just sick of christians, or of religion and the idea that it doesn't matter what we do, who we hurt or how we hurt them, because God will just fix it all, so who cares? No regrets. Is it bad that some people call that grace and I, lately, call it bullshit? Yes, grace to a point... but come on. I might as well whore myself out, go get pregnant and abort my baby because I know I can feel guilty and repent later and be off on my way... and the people I screw over on my path to self-awakening? Thanks for the ride, you're in my prayers, no worries, I'm sure God's looking out for you. See you in heaven!
I used to think "religion" was about relationships. Relationship with God, with the church, with community. I thought grace was about God's ultimate sacrifice and acceptance of us, not some "get-out-of-jail-free" license to do whatever we want whenever we want to, to "sin without care, cause hey, God's there!" I thought it was about learning to love and receive love well. And failure. I thought it was about failure and reconciliation and redemption. But I dunno. Christians may be called to reconciliation, but I don't think fallen humans are cut out for it, as we often esteem "reconciliation" to mean tolerant friends/acquaintences...and I am skeptical as to whether or not that's what God meant by it. Who knows. At the end of the day it all gives me a headache, and I find myself wishing there were someone who would explain it to me, or better yet, show it to me. I thought I had a small (albeit miniscule) grasp on how to be that kind of person myself, that maybe just maybe I was headed somewhere close to the right direction... but I was wrong. So so wrong.
And now I find myself stuck. Wishing I could turn back time and be who I was and stop the clock and stay there forever. It's as though I don't want to be who I am becoming, but I have no idea how to stop it. I've caught myself withdrawing in an attempt to avoid feeling. Avoiding church, avoiding friends, avoiding the table, going late and leaving early when I do make it to church... it scares me. I'm working to make myself go lately. It's work... I know that sounds dumb, but it is, and after months upon months of this.. I'm getting worn out.
I miss the Danica that was easily excited and expected good things, rather than being terrified of them. But obviously this is the person I am supposed to be now, because I can't for the life of me seem to shake it, no matter how many times I have tried or how long I have waited or how much I have prayed. I've come to accept that this is where God wants me right now, otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?
But that definitely is not good news for my thoughts on God. It is not good news for my thankfulness level. It is not good news for a lot of things, and I don't know how to fix it. I keep thinking, and hoping that God will get me there, but it doesn't appear to be high on the priority list.. and I'm afraid to assume that it should be. I'll keep hoping though.
And in the mean time, I'll trust that God won't give up on me even though I am really, really struggling with Him right now, and I'll hope that maybe someday I'll be who I was. After all, it wouldn't be the first time God has raised the dead.
"How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart"
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