One birth story I've been mulling over lately, is mine and that of motherhood. I'm not just having a baby, I'm becoming "a mother." A mom is being born... and this time it's me.
Now that we are in the red-zone waiting on baby girl, I am more aware every day that I'm about to be "a mother." Each day I wake up and wonder... "will she come today?" When I buy groceries I think "will she be here before this gallon of milk is gone?" These are the deep thoughts I have.
The idea that I'm going to be a mom is mind-blowing. I wonder if it's something moms ever really wrap their heads around. I've been the child, the daughter for 30 years, and now I'll be the mother. The one in charge. The one responsible for someone else for a long, long time.
Being 37+ weeks pregnant, I have all. the. feels. about motherhood.
Fear: In the beginning it was fear that the pregnancy wouldn't be viable. Now it's fear that something will be wrong, that there will be a disability or deformity or illness that will present itself upon her arrival. Then there are the slightly irrational, but still very real fears that I'm ashamed to admit: I fear I will never sleep again and that I will resent her for it. I fear that I won't feel "the connection." Mom's everywhere share their birth stories and end with "I looked into my baby's eyes and I just fell in love!" I've never really been that kind of person. What if I look into my baby's eyes and think, "well, ok then. here we are." or something? I fear that I won't feel all the "mother" things the way other moms seem to. I fear that I won't think she's cute the way all moms seem to think their babies are, and I'll have to fake it while feeling like a horrible mother because I don't really think my baby is cute. I also fear that she won't really love me. That she'll love her dad because he's wrapped around her finger and she's a daddy's girl. That she'll love her grandparents because they spoil her rotten and are capable of doing crafty things that I can't seem to do. Don't get me wrong, she'll need me. She'll need me, but she'll love them. And I want her to love me too! Finally, I fear it won't be worth it. Geez I can't believe I'm even voicing this in public.... I have brief moments, usually late at night when I have insomnia and heartburn so bad my eyes are watering, where I question whether or not this will have been worth it. Not just the 9 months of weight gain and bloating and heartburn and sleeplessness and nausea, but the part that comes next: more nights of sleeplessness, shrill crying, whining, adolescence. Being needed constantly. I don't want to regret it, I absolutely don't... but what if I do? (When I worry about this, I go back and read this post and immediately I feel a sense of calm.)
Sadness: I'm selfishly sad that my life is changing. I know having a baby will change my day-to-day routine significantly. Every decision now involves another aspect that I didn't have to consider before. Where I work, when I work, when I sleep, when I run errands will all revolve around the baby for a while... which is weird to think about. I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose my relationships. I don't want my marriage to change. I idealistically want to add this baby into our life with minimal disruption... but I know that's not how it works.
Intrigue: I wonder what she will look like, what she will be, what character traits she will have. Will she be hellishly impatient like me? Or will she drive me insane with her dad's "never-in-a-rush-ever" attitude. Will she like music like we do, or will she be artistic like my mom? Will she be smart like my brother? Will she be introverted or extroverted? Will she be annoying? Will she be THAT kid on the airplane? Then I wonder what I, as the mother, will be like... will I be a helicopter parent? Will I constantly be rushing my kid to hurry up? Will I try to force her to do things I like? Will I let her be who she is? Will I be annoying? Will I be THAT parent on the airplane?
Worry: I worry that I won't be able to give to her and do for her in all the ways I want to. I stumbled upon this post recently and thought, "yes! this! this is how I am feeling." For the life of me I don't know how my parents were able to give me dance lessons and piano lessons and trips to summer camp, let alone assist with college. It's going to take us 6 months just to pay for our daughters delivery fees (and that's WITH 9 months of pre-planning/saving), so summer camp seems like a pipe dream these days. And college.... well.. we pray any kids we have will be blessed with a skill or trade, because Lord knows college will cost 10x what it does now by the time she goes.
I think the thing that has surprised me the most in thinking about our girl, has been how deeply I want her to like and love me. It's a good thing that as children we aren't aware of how our parents want us to view them as "cool" and "fun." Had I known, I probably would have gotten away with a lot more! On the other hand, had I known, I might have been kinder more often. =/
This baby is making me a mother. I may have other kids one day, but this child will be the one who turned me into a mom. Think about that all you first-borns out there!
People, strangers even, ask me daily now if I am "ready." I'm not quite sure how to answer this. Yes, we have the majority of our ducks in a row. I believe our carseat is secure. I've washed the clothes, I have a few places or her to sleep, and I have about 270 size 1 diapers. But emotionally.. I don't feel at all emotionally ready or mature enough to be a mom. Let's be real, there are days I go to bed realizing I never brushed my teeth... how am I going to handle caring for another person 24/7 for the next several years?
I'm hoping that motherhood is like being real in the Velveteen Rabbit. I'm hoping it's true that it's about "the journey" and that mothers aren't born, but rather, molded. If so, then there's hope... and heaven knows there is so much molding ahead of me. I was struck the other day that the traits I want my children to possess: kindness, patience, compassion, generosity, respect, etc... they likely won't inherently possesses those, I have to display them and lead by example. They will learn so many traits from me. This is terrifying. This means my daughter may have the mouth of sailor when behind the wheel of a car if I am not careful. She might audibly huff and sigh when she has to wait in a line for more than 2 minutes. God help me, I need molding! And better dental hygiene!
I debated for weeks whether or not to even write this post but in the end I decided on doing it (obviously). My big fear is that one day my daughter might find this and be insulted. God knows the internet saves everything.... But maybe, just maybe, someone else out there will read this and say "Thank God it's not just me!" I hope to do a Part II after she arrives so I can look back one day and remember the things I was afraid of, versus the things I actually wound up thinking and feeling. Who knows, maybe we will all have a good laugh.
To becoming!
-d
“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you......'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept...."
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