In April I found out I was pregnant.
In May I found out that pregnancy is a cluster, and that I was unprepared for the emotional roller coaster I was trapped on.
I always figured I'd have kids one day in some form or fashion, but I never really pictured myself pregnant. I also never really saw myself with a baby. So the whole thing is very strange.
One alarming realization: No one ever told me that the parent-guilt and self-shaming starts before the kid even arrives...
It seems as though the people I know fall into one of two categories: 1. Those who talk about how "beautiful" pregnancy is, and how "special" this time is and how I should be writing everything down. And 2. Those who are trying to get pregnant and haven't yet.
It's hard to know what to say or how to act when I don't fit into either of those categories.
I feel guilty for getting pregnant almost effortlessly.
I feel guilty for not being "over-the-moon" about pregnancy and impending motherhood 24/7.
I feel guilty for not documenting all my feelings, because the truth is, I feel guilty about most of my feelings!
Full disclosure: I find pregnancy awkward and uncomfortable. Yes, it is definitely special but the whole thing is pretty weird and pretty much everything about pregnancy is TMI. You wouldn't believe the things I have googled in the past 6 months. I could submit card entries for Cards Against Humanity, I'm just saying....
I spent the first few months feeling "under the weather" but not being ravaged by sickness. It didn't feel right to complain about feeling sick when so many pregnant people puke daily. I've only thrown up 3-4 times so far and I'm 6 months pregnant! I'm one of the lucky ones.
Enter: Guilt over admitting to feeling sick while not being as sick as some people get.
By week 5 I was overwhelmed with thoughts of "my life is over." Try writing that in a baby book for your kid to read one day! Mommy blogs rarely talk about parents who flip over the anticipated upheaval of their lives. No, no, the majority of mommy blogs just show pretty pictures of kids with cute hair doing crafts and enjoying family vacations. Newsflash: I can't even make my own hair look cute, I suck at crafts and now that I've left my job I'm not sure we will be able to afford family vacations.
Enter: Guilt over being selfish and over-valuing my personal/professional life
Enter: Guilt over not being "mom enough" (yes, already... heaven help me...)
Then we found out the gender and we weren't going to share, but the sheer pressure of the secret (and of our families demanding to know) made it impossible to last more than a month before telling people that we are having a girl.
We are having a girl and I am totally not prepared to have a girl. I am probably the WORST person to give a girl to. I hate to even say this since 90% of my friends have all boys and want/wanted a girl. Aside from my love of pedicures, wine and massages I am one of the LEAST girly people I know. As a teenager I always wanted a sister because all my friends (the ones who all have boys now.. IRONY) had sisters. Every last one of them. They all had older sisters and therefore they all had the right clothes, they all had make-up assistance, they all knew how to do their hair (can you tell I am freaked about about having to do hair?). I love my brother dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world, but having an older brother meant that as a kid I wanted to be just like him. We are 4 years apart and I would wear his old t-shirts when I was in middle school. He played baseball, I played softball. He joined band, I joined band. He joined jazz band, I joined jazz band (and hated it). Etc etc. I climbed trees with abandon and never owned barbies. To this day I get a little queasy around the color pink. Recently I walked through the girls section of a store and I had to leave because the sheer amount of glitter and ruffles and bows and pink was completely overwhelming. And guess what people LOVE to give as gifts to new baby girls?: pink clothes with ruffles, bows and glitter. How do I avoid that? "Anything but Pink Baby Shower?" "Anything but Clothes Baby Shower?"
And speaking of baby showers, if I'm being completely honest, most baby showers are creepy. Those weird cakes shaped like a mothers belly? Ice cubes with plastic babies inside, games that involve guessing what's in a diaper? No... just... no. Is there such a thing as a baby shower where women bring baskets of all the non-sexy items you need to survive the first month after birth: Gel pads, Nursing bras, nursing pads, nipple cream, diapers and WINE? There should be.
Enter: Guilt for having a girl and not being a girly person.
Enter: Guilt for not being PUMPED and ecstatic about having a girl when so many couples desperately want one.
Enter: Guilt for feeling selfish and being opinionated about parties and gifts that are given in your honor. Why can't you just be grateful? Sheesh!
Clearly, everyday is a battle not to put unrealistic expectations on myself for how I should or shouldn't feel. There is no wrong or right way to feel, there are just feelings (wash, rinse, repeat that mantra). And ironically, though you may not believe me at this point, I really AM excited about this, and I feel EXTREMELY blessed. Not a day goes by where I don't celebrate this baby girl while at the same time mourn the loss of my childless life. One minute I worry if I will ever sleep again, if I will ever be thin again, or if I will have an identity outside of "mom"... and the next minute I worry over anything bad happening to our baby before (or after) she arrives. Every day that passes is one day closer to our girls birthday, and with each passing day I feel equal parts fear and excitement. I have a hard time picturing myself as a "mom," but I simply can't fathom how heartbroken I would be if anything happened to her. Ever. Until May I don't think I was fully aware of my ability to feel so many contradicting feelings at once. Welcome to Motherhood I guess...
We went into this journey with the mindset of "it will happen if/when it's supposed to." We were simply surprised that it was "supposed" to happen so soon. It's comforting to know that this child is another chapter in the story God is writing for us, and that at the end of the day (Lord willing) there will be a piece of the hubs and I that remains after we are gone.
Assuming we don't completely screw her up, that's pretty cool. =)
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